Blessed New Year!

Thoughts for Cheri

December 31, 2003

This was written on June 30, 2003:

“I feel like a burst of sunshine has exploded inside of me-

I feel joy and peace and excitement!

Praise God!”

August 19, 2003 after reading Exodus 14:

“God has delivered me from bondage and placed me in a wilderness for a time

to teach, heal, and prepare me for service and mostly to draw me closer to Him.

I have a sense of expectancy today.

‘Open my ears and eyes, Lord!’”

The following are quotes I read and wrote down.  I don’t remember who said them or where I read them but they are so beautiful and meaningful to me.

“Whatever I am going through, Jesus has already experienced

and He will bring me through.”

“Slow me down, Lord.

Ease the pounding of my heart by the quieting of my mind…

Teach me the art of taking minute vacations;

Of slowing down to look at seashells,

To chat with friends,

To pet a dog…

Let me look into the towering oaks and know they grew great and strong

because they grew slowly and well.”

“As I review 2003 I am truly amazed at where I am today.  If someone had told me on January 1^st all that was going to occur in my life this year, I would have just given up right then.  I am so thankful that God only reveals to us what He know we can handle.  He takes care of the rest.  Praise God!”

“On this last day of 2003 I have such peace, hope, and joy in my heart, soul, and life.  I know there will be more difficult times in 2004 but I will also know my God is sufficient.  I am so excited about the plans God has for my life.  I do only want to serve and please Him.  I am ready and eager to go through the doors He opens.  I now understand the following passage.”

“As I review 2003 I am truly amazed at where I am today.”  I can make this statement today at the end of 2016.  When I review all that God has done in my life and where He has placed me today I am truly amazed.  The ups and downs, good and bad, difficult and easy, happy and sad of the past 13 years are all just a part of this life we live here on this earth.  I cannot imagine living life without my Father’s presence and love.  I cannot imagine living life without the hope that is found in Jesus Christ the Son.  I cannot imagine living life without the guidance of the Holy Spirit. 

The sad times are bearable and the happy times sweeter because I am a child of the King.  Yes my body may fail and bad things happen but He keeps my soul from all harm, He watches over every facet of my life, and He observes and guides my coming and going.  Forever!

It has been in the difficulties when my faith has been tested that it has grown and flourished.  These times make the good moments even sweeter because my relationship with God has grown and I can rest in His presence. 

“I know there will be more difficult times in 2004 but I will also know my God is sufficient.”  He has proven Himself to be more than sufficient.  I have been blessed beyond measure in every way.  His word gives this promise:

What we miss too often is that the gifts we see as good from a worldly view are not the gifts God gives to us.  The world’s gifts are temporary.  God’s gifts are eternal and life changing.  I desire the gifts of God and not the so-called pleasures of the world.  They are a small taste of what life eternal in His presence will be like.  Praise God!

As you step into a new year commit yourself to seeking God’s good gifts and to serving Him more each day.  I have learned this is what leads to true fulfillment.  He will never ever fail you.

Father,

As we begin this New Year in this world I ask for the gift of Your presence in each life.

I know You don’t go where You are not invited so please send Your Spirit to convict lives daily.

Open hearts, souls, and minds to the truth found in the life of Your Son Jesus Christ.

I ask this in His precious name,

Amen

God-given desires

Thoughts for Cheri

December 31, 2003

“I did have a wonderful Christmas.  It was nice to be without the fear.  All we did when I was married was open presents and then he made the kids work until time to eat and then they worked some more.  I was supposed to be doing something too.  He usually came up with all kinds of things he wanted to do that involved work.  Heaven forbid you just enjoy!  This Christmas Eve with the kids was wonderful.  No fear, anxiety, or upset.  We just enjoyed being together.  It was nice.”

“Tuesday night at the grocery store (why does so much happen there?) I became aware that I was carrying myself in a different way.  I am standing taller and prouder than I used to and I look people in the eyes when I pass them.  I even smile and nod at them.  What an amazing difference that I would notice it so much!”

“I’m excited about the changes God is making in my life and I’m ready to get on with them.  I don’t know why but I just feel like when I wake up tomorrow morning it’s truly going to be a New Year and a New Beginning for Ginny Holcombe.  Praise God!”

I post some of these entries so that anyone reading this can see just exactly what God has done in my life.  My hope is that if you are in a similar situation you will cry out to Him.  Just be ready for His answer because it probably won’t be what you expect.  It certainly wasn’t for me.  However, His answer has proven to be what’s best for me. 

That’s why my focus today is on “Tuesday night at the grocery store (why does so much happen there?) I became aware that I was carrying myself in a different way.  I am standing taller and prouder than I used to and I look people in the eyes when I pass them.  I even smile and nod at them.  What an amazing difference that I would notice it so much!”  It’s amazing to me the difference God made in my life in 8 short months.  I was so timid and felt invisible and unwanted by everyone except my kids.  I was intimidated in every social situation.  I am no longer that way praise the Lord.

I can say that the feeling I had that New Year's Eve of a New Beginning was right. Today I’m a church receptionist.  I spend my days greeting people in person and on the phone.  I assist them and staff members all day long.  I love sharing smiles and giving hugs.  I’m shown daily that I matter to other people.  They miss me when I’m not around.  It’s a good feeling. My life is not perfect because I live in a fallen world but it is wonderful.  God has given me the desires of my heart in so many ways because I sought His desires for my life.  And His desires are always best. 

That’s my message for today.  Father really does know best and He allows in His child’s life the people and events that bring that best to each life.  All we have to do is ask in faith.

Father,

My heart’s desire is to serve You all the days of my life.

Thank You for placing this desire in my heart

And for fulfilling it each day I am given to live for You.

Thank You for New Beginnings!

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen

Life Lived with Jesus

Thoughts for Cheri

December 31, 2003

“I was thinking about Christmas and wondering why I wasn’t sad and didn’t miss my ex.  I have slowly come to the realization that I never loved him because he never allowed me to.  I didn’t even like him!  His cruelty and need to control everyone caused me to fear him and to believe I couldn’t do anything without him.  I did respect some things about him but they all turned out to be lies.”

“I now compare my relationship with him to a drug addict’s dependence on a drug.  I was dependent on him and thought I couldn’t live without him.  But in reality he was destroying me little by little.  When he went out of my life the withdrawal was painful, just as withdrawal from a drug is painful, but as healing is taking place I am learning how to really live.”

“The last couple of weeks have been interesting.  I guess the best way I’ve been able to describe how I have been feeling lately is weary.  Not sad or down, just weary.  I said I have thought so much in the past months that my brain hurt.  I think I was just tired of making decisions, talking, and just doing.  I just wanted to not have to think.  Cheri told me that because I am such an introspective person I would have trouble doing that.  So I decided to do only what I absolutely had to do until the New Year.  I finished some shopping, went to Tim’s choir presentation, and to work.  I just felt like I needed as much ‘nothing’ as I could create for myself.”

I’ve been sitting here trying to come with something to write about the first paragraph.  I really don’t have any profound words to say because I think they speak for themselves.  This far removed from the situation I have a sadness not anger for this man who was intelligent, good-looking, and gave glimpses of the husband and father he could have been.  I pray that in the years since God has worked in his life just as He has in mine. 

“I now compare my relationship with him to a drug addict’s dependence on a drug.  I was dependent on him and thought I couldn’t live without him.  But in reality he was destroying me little by little.  When he went out of my life the withdrawal was painful, just as withdrawal from a drug is painful, but as healing is taking place I am learning how to really live.”  Reading these words makes me thankful for the One on whom I am dependent today.  He is not cruel, doesn’t control me, and never lies.  He came not to destroy me but to give me everlasting life.  Even today He is still bringing healing into my life.  My dependence on Him brings peace, joy, and love to every day I live.  Jesus Himself said:

 “The last couple of weeks have been interesting.  I guess the best way I’ve been able to describe how I have been feeling lately is weary.  Not sad or down, just weary.  I said I have thought so much in the past months that my brain hurt.  I think I was just tired of making decisions, talking, and just doing.  I just wanted to not have to think.  Cheri told me that because I am such an introspective person I would have trouble doing that.  So I decided to do only what I absolutely had to do until the New Year.”  That’s what I did.  It was a glorious interlude of nothingness.  I hadn’t experienced that in a long time.  I didn’t have to make any major decisions, I just went with the flow of life.  Jesus Himself gave this invitation:

I see this period in my life as the beginning of my learning to walk with Jesus, to work with Jesus, to learn how He does it.  Yes, there are still days when I get caught up in the busyness of life but Jesus is there to remind me to live freely and lightly in His company.  It’s a wonderful way to live life.  I highly recommend it.

If you haven’t already done so please accept Jesus’ invitation and trust His promises.  He alone will never fail you.  I know because He’s never failed me yet.  It’s been in the tough times that He’s proven His faithfulness over and over.  He’ll do the same for you if you only trust Him.

Father,

Thank You for Your Son.

His promises and His presence have touched my life.

He’s taught me how to live freely and lightly.

Touch the lives of those who read these words in the same say.

In Jesus’ Precious Name,

Amen

Christmas is Here!

Excerpts from my journal:   My first Christmas as a divorced woman:

December 24, 2003

“Brunch at work.  Left at noon.  Started pizza at 5 p.m.  Tim, Tanya, and Roger arrived.  Ate pizza and opened Christmas presents.  Talked and read Christmas story.  Tanya and Roger left.  Tim slept on couch.  Wonderful evening.”

December 25, 2003

“Got up and ate sweet rolls with Tim.  Drove to Winchester-arrived while they were opening presents-received special pillow, silver cross, puzzle board.  Rest of day good and relaxing.”

December 26, 2003

“Easy day.  Went shopping with Pat.  Tim and I left around 1:30 p.m.  Home.  Tim left.  Rested.”

This was a sweet Christmas with family.  It was one of the most relaxed ones I’d had in years.  The only thing I cooked was my homemade pizza for Christmas Eve.  No fear involved.  Just being with people who loved me.  A simple celebration with people I loved and who loved me.  That’s what Christmas should be.

Today Christmas is more about Jesus than it’s ever been in my life.  Don’t get me wrong, I always celebrated His birth in various ways over the years.  I loved the carols, church services, and making a birthday cake for Jesus but I know now the Reason for this Season was not always the focus of my celebration.  It is now.

This is why I want to wish anyone who reads these words a Blessed Christmas, a Christmas that is full of love, hope, and joy as represented by the One whose birth we celebrate.  Jesus Christ is born!

Father,

You sent Your Son!

To be born as a baby of humble beginnings.

The King of Kings and Lord of Lords.

Born in a stable.

Walked the earth as a humble man teaching and preaching.

Suffered, bled, and died in my place.

Arose from the tomb.

Ascended to Your presence.

Is preparing a place for me.

Will return victorious one day.

Hallelujah!

HE IS LORD!

Amen

Worship Him!

This season is about welcoming and worshiping our Savior.

Everything else pales in comparison.

Worship as you listen:

Father,

Why do you love us so much?

Why was Jesus willing to come, live, die, and live again for us?

I don't understand but I'm eternally grateful.

Thank You!

In the Name of our precious Savior,

Amen

Celebrating the Season

This is not from my journal or thoughts for Cheri.  This is from my heart right now.

     This season is special for so many reasons.  Family, friends, carols, decorations, and presents all contribute to the joy we feel.  I've had many wonderful Christmas seasons.  I've had a few that weren't quite so wonderful.  Yet one truth about this season remains in my life:

     The one fact of Christmas I've had my entire life is that we celebrate the birth of a tiny baby who chose to be born so that He could walk as I walk and He could experience what I experience.  He didn't do this for Himself.  He did this for me.

     This Christmas season has proven to be a new experience for me.  I didn't put up a tree or many other decorations.  I have collected nativity sets and I display most of them year round.  This year I got out 3 special ones that I save for Christmas.  I don't have any twinkling lights except at work where we have a beautiful tree that sits right by my desk.

      I am listening to Christmas music in my car and watching Hallmark Christmas movies at home.  I attended my church's choir presentation and it was one of the best I've experienced.  I plan to attend our Christmas Eve and Christmas Day services.

     What I'm trying to say is that I loved Christmas when I was a child but it was mostly about my presents.  I loved Christmas when my kids were growing up but it was mostly about their presents.  Yes we celebrated Christ but as I look back He wasn't the focus He should be.  Over the last 13 Christmas seasons there have been many changes in my life.  My kids are grown and doing well.  I have grandkids but they live a distance away.  I've struggled with how to celebrate the season.  I rejoice in realizing that this year my focus is where it should be.

     I will spend time with family and friends and I'll enjoy every moment of it.  I'll open presents and eat too much good food.  But if I've learned anything in the past few years it's that my relationship with Jesus is the one that matters most.  I love my family and friends and would do anything for them.  But Jesus has done and still does everything for me.  He came to this world when He didn't have to, He lived and taught so that I would know how to live, He suffered and died so I could be forgiven, and He rose and lives again where He is preparing a place for me to live forever.  That is the greatest gift ever given. 

     Please in all your merrymaking and celebrating don't leave out the One who truly deserves to be celebrated.  You will be the one who misses out on the joy that this season brings.  Here is my prayer for you:

Amen

Prayer, Provision, Praise

Prayer, Provision, Praise

Thoughts for Cheri:

December 5, 2003:

“Last night I really didn’t want to go to the dress rehearsal but I knew I needed to.  When I got there I sat by myself.  A few people said hi and one asked me how I was.  He said I looked tired.  I told him that the week had been bad, that I was and am very angry.  Since he has been divorced he understood and encouraged me.  I knew that I was feeling sorry for myself and prayed about it.  Instead of speaking to people and sitting by someone I kept to myself and wondered why no one sat by me.  Old habits die hard I guess.  A friend came in and sat with someone else.  I know why, she had her grandchildren and she sat where she could keep an eye on them.  It still hurt me and I continued to talk to God and asked Him to improve my mood.  At least I recognized what I was doing even though I wasn’t able to totally overcome it at the time.  It just seemed like I didn’t have the strength to.  I am so tired right now.  Finally Betty sat by me and we talked.  That helped.  We went up to the choir loft and started rehearsal which helped.  Carolyn and I talked and she understands because she’s been there too.  It is amazing how many people God has put into my life at church who can really understand what I am going through.  I got hugs from several people.  Then Melba came in.  I have decided it is impossible to stay down when you are around her.  That’s why God put me by her.  The singing and laughing did help and I’m so thankful I had this to go to because I needed it.  It’s hard to sulk when you’re praising God.”

There’s so much in this paragraph.  “Self-pity, sadness, weariness, anger, and sulking”.  There’s also “seeking and recognition and “prayer, provision, and praise”. 

I could have chosen to stay home that night but look at what I would have missed.  God’s hand is all over this.  He could’ve left me to sulk and whine but He didn’t.  His Spirit nudged me into praying and seeking and others into showing compassion and caring and love to me when I so needed those things.  He listened when I asked Him to improve my mood.  He had led me to a place where His grace and mercy were felt and shared by so many.  And maybe best of all He sat me beside Melba, a young woman with more joy, faith, and love in her than I can describe.  She’d already experienced much disappointment and sorrow and pain in her life but she still was joyously singing praises to God.  What a blessing she was to me at this time in my life.

“Seeking and recognition”.  I believe God honors a seeker.  He does give us choice and when we choose to seek Him and His way He answers.  He not only answers He does so in the way that is best for each individual because He knows the purpose for which He created us.  He helps us recognize what we are doing to harm ourselves. His word does tell me:

“Prayer, provision, and praise”.  God blessed me with all of this and more that night.  It wasn’t the first time and it has not been the last.  In fact, it’s a daily occurrence in my life.  Prayers are answered according to His purpose and it has always proven to be for my best, to give me hope and a future.  What a majestic and marvelous God my Creator, Savior, Lord, and King is!

One last thought.  “I wasn’t able to totally overcome it at the time.”  When I read this today I realized how misleading this statement was.  If I was trying to overcome this by myself I was performing a futile task.  I am never able to overcome anything in my own strength.  But:

And so can you.  

Just reach out to Him in prayer, 

rely on His provision, 

and offer Him prais in all things!

Amen!

Mountains and Valleys of Life

Thoughts for Cheri:

December 3, 2003 continued:

 “I cry so easily right now, yet I do still have that wonderful joy that comes only from the Lord.  That is the thing that I cling to right now.  It assures me of His continuing presence in my life each day and of His love, grace, and mercy, it is a strange feeling, this combination of sadness and joy, but I am so very grateful for the joy.  I also do have a sense of peace and assurance that all is going to be well even when my mind and feelings are trying to tell me otherwise.  I guess this is the hope He alone gives.”

“I can still function day to day even though sometimes I don’t want to.  I still do my job and take care of other responsibilities.  I still laugh and enjoy life.  I still care about and pray for others.  I still smile and try to encourage others.  Sometimes it amazes me that I am still functioning as well as I am.  Only God can do this!”

“I just wish I wasn’t so tired.  I just wish this heaviness would go away.  I have experienced time without it recently and I will keep praying, seeking, doing until I experience relief again.  I know I am in a valley and I can’t want for another mountaintop period.  I need it!”

I see His hand in every part of my life at this time.  I was struggling but I had joy.  I was blessed with the assurance of His continuing presence.  His love, grace, and mercy were real to me.  Peace and assurance that all is going to be well were gifts I didn’t deserve but I gladly accepted.  I had the hope He alone gives.  My takeaway from these words is “How Great is Our God”.  

“I can still function day to day even though sometimes I don’t want to.  I still do my job and take care of other responsibilities.  I still laugh and enjoy life.  I still care about and pray for others.  I still smile and try to encourage others.  Sometimes it amazes me that I am still functioning as well as I am.  Only God can do this!”  I really like the life these words portray.   Yes, there were days I didn’t want to crawl out of bed.  Yes there were days I woke up thinking, “Lord, I cannot be nice today.  I don’t feel nice, I feel angry and sad.  You be nice through me.”  Guess what?  He always did.  The fact is I sometimes have days like that still and there He is, working in and through my life.  The secret is surrender.  As I said, “Only God can do this!” 

“I just wish I wasn’t so tired.  I just wish this heaviness would go away.  I have experienced time without it recently and I will keep praying, seeking, doing until I experience relief again.  I know I am in a valley and I can’t want for another mountaintop period.  I need it!”  I see hope and faith in the word until.  I knew I was in the valley but I also knew God was preparing a mountaintop for me.  I was anticipating that day.  And it came.  It always does.  

Through It All

I've had many tears and sorrows,
I've had questions for tomorrow,
there's been times I didn't know right from wrong.
But in every situation,
God gave me blessed consolation,
that my trials come to only make me strong.

Chorus:
Through it all,
through it all,
I've learned to trust in Jesus,
I've learned to trust in God
Through it all,
through it all,
I've learned to depend upon His Word.

I've been to lots of places,
I've seen a lot of faces,
there's been times I felt so all alone.
But in my lonely hours,
yes, those precious lonely hours,
Jesus lets me know that I was His own!

Chorus

I thank God for the mountains,
and I thank Him for the valleys,
I thank Him for the storms He brought me through.
For if I'd never had a problem,
I wouldn't know God could solve them,
I'd never know what faith in His word could do.

Father,

I do thank You for the mountains and the valleys.

Most of all I thank You for being with me each step of the way.

Because of Your faithfulness I do know what faith in Your word can do.

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen

Desires from God

Thoughts for Cheri:

December 3, 2003 continued:

“I have decided that after the first of the New Year I am going to take a hard look at my life; all aspects of it.  I want to see where I am and determine where I want to be spiritually, emotionally, financially, and career wise.  I believe God is going to reveal some wonderful things to me soon.  Maybe this is why I am going through this time.  I know Satan is working overtime to discourage me.  I am not going to allow him to do that.  I will keep trusting no matter what.  I just think it is time to get on with my life.”

"I am bored in my job.  I want to be doing something with people.  Especially those who are hurting.  I really have no responsibilities except myself.  Most people are not as free as I am right now.  I want a job with a flexible schedule where I can visit people in the hospital, at nursing homes, or just do other ministries.  I wouldn’t mind some travel.  I don’t know if this makes sense and I don’t even know where to start looking.  I just know this is the desire that is in my heart right now and I have truly been seeking God’s will so I have to trust it is from Him unless and until this desire changes.”

“I am also trying to determine if I am to go back to school.  I am willing but I don’t want to do it just because.  I truly desire to do what God wants me to do.”

Let’s examine what I asked for and see how God answered my request. 

“I want to be doing something with people.    I really have no responsibilities except myself.  Most people are not as free as I am right now.  I want a job with a flexible schedule where I can visit people in the hospital, at nursing homes, or just do other ministries.”  Okay, I just smiled and shook my head when I read this portion.  Six months after I wrote this I was hired by a Baptist church as a ministry assistant and backup receptionist.  Then a couple of years later I became the fulltime receptionist as well as ministry assistant.  I’ve been at this job for 12 ½ years now and I am truly blessed.

Now let’s dissect this request and God’s provision.

 “Doing something with people.”  I work with people from 8 a.m. to 4:45 p.m. Monday through Friday.  Co-workers, church members, visitors, people from groups who meet in our building, delivery people, and on and on.  I greet, answer the phone, call people, call hospitals, and on and on.  I am blessed to be able to interact with, to greet, to assist, to hug, to say a kind word, to make a small but important difference in people’s lives all day long.  Request granted!

“Especially those who are hurting.”  Jesus reached out to the hurting of this world, the sick, the lame, the broken-hearted, anyone who needed a healing touch.  He commissioned His church to be His hands and feet.  The church is not a building, it is the body of believers who serve God.  Every one of us is broken in some way.  Life does that.  As church receptionist I have the privilege of not only helping people who are hurting or needy but of assisting pastors and other members whose mission is to do the same.  Every day gives me opportunities to make a difference in someone’s life.  It may simply be a smile or a hug but more often it’s providing an answer or a listening ear when needed.  Request granted!

“I want a job with a flexible schedule where I can visit people in the hospital, at nursing homes, or just do other ministries.”  It’s a “no” to the flexible schedule.  It’s a “no” to the visit people.  However, my job is a ministry and it is a joy.  I’m ministry assistant to the Senior Adult Pastor and I maintain our hospital list, keep up with homebound and nursing home ministries, and take care of informing pastors, deacons, teachers, and others of needs in our congregation and their families.  And I don’t have much opportunity to visit people but lots of people visit me.  Request granted!

“I don’t know if this makes sense and I don’t even know where to start looking.  I just know this is the desire that is in my heart right now and I have truly been seeking God’s will so I have to trust it is from Him unless and until this desire changes.”  At the time I wrote this I truly had no idea of what to do or how to go about finding this.  I do know that for several years it had been my desire to work in a church.  I had even applied for a church position a couple of times.  However, God’s timing is perfect, mine is not.  I really didn’t try to force anything.  I kept my options open and told Him I was willing to go wherever and do whatever He wanted.    The desire I had grew over days and weeks to come and I continued to seek His will.  I’ll write later about how He opened the doors wide for me.  For now it’s wonderful to remember that I did delight in Him and He is still giving me my desires.

“I am also trying to determine if I am to go back to school.  I am willing but I don’t want to do it just because.”  Thankfully, His answer was a resounding “NO”!  I would go if He asked but I have no desire left for this.  I’m content with my job and my life while being open to any opportunities He brings my way.   Isn’t that how His child should live?

Father,

Wow!

Thank You for the desires of my heart.

Thank You for Your perfect timing.

Thank You for this life You’ve given to me.

Your blessings abound.

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen

Am I loved?

Thoughts for Cheri:

December 3, 2003 continued:

“I have noticed something about myself in the last couple of weeks.  I compare this to a cat.  When I think or feel like someone is trying to control me, I start to arch my back and hiss and spit like a cat does when it is cornered or threatened.”

“Dr. Cook preached about forgiveness Sunday night.  I know I need to forgive and I really do want to, not for him, but for me and because I want to be obedient to God’s word.  I am just not real sure how to do that either.  I think to myself, ‘I forgive him’ and mean it but then I get angry all over again.  How many time do I have to go through this?  Part of me wants to hang on to this anger because I want to see him pay for what he has done and it doesn’t seem like he is cause he doesn’t care.  It seems like he is just going on with his life with no consequences that matter to him.  I know in my head I need to leave him to God and that He will judge and repay him. But my heart wants to see him suffer worse than I have.  I also need to forgive others who have hurt me through this ordeal.  Even though I know they don’t care if I forgive them or not, I need to do it as Dr. Cook said, for me.”

“He sent Tanya a birthday card.  I hoped it was maybe a little sign that he was feeling something.  Pat and Tanya both seem to think it is just a ploy trying to make Tanya think he cares.  A way to get back into her life.  It didn’t work!  Why do I still hold onto this hope when others see him for what he really is?  Am I stupid, crazy, or just hopeless?”

“When I think or feel like someone is trying to control me, I start to arch my back and hiss and spit like a cat does when it is cornered or threatened.”  Wow!  I had forgotten about this period of time in my life.  Reading this reminds me of how defensive I was.  Looking back I believe this was a necessary step in the process of healing.  If you look at this as a meter I had spent years all the way to the left being controlled.  In order to find my balance I swung all the way to the right.  I’ll admit I’m still quite independent but I’ve learned to recognize the difference between being controlled by someone and living a life of compromise when possible.  Scripture has something to say about this:

“I know I need to forgive and I really do want to, not for him, but for me and because I want to be obedient to God’s word.  I am just not real sure how to do that either.  I think to myself, ‘I forgive him’ and mean it but then I get angry all over again.  How many time do I have to go through this?”  Forgiveness.  Not an easy thing to do, is it?  Too often it’s hard to forgive the little things in life.  It seems impossible to forgive the major offenses done by those who are supposed to love us best.  Actually it is impossible in my own strength.  However, I have learned over these years that when unforgiveness rears its ugly head if I ask God to give me the strength I need He does.  Even today reminders of those years will cause me to realize I still harbor some unforgiveness in my heart.  Its fewer and farther between but it happens.  A memory, a word, or a myriad of reasons brings back the pain and there I am.  Thankfully there God is also.  I give Him the pain and His rightful place in handling the situation as He knows is best.  I can actually pray for my ex and others now in ways I never thought possible.  I’m so grateful to a Father who not only forgives me but teaches and enables me to forgive as I’ve been forgiven.

“Am I stupid, crazy, or just hopeless?”  I am none of these things.  These are words Satan likes to whisper in my ears to discourage me.  God’s word tells me something totally different:

I am made in the image of my Creator.  So are you.  Don’t allow Satan or the world or anything else lie to you and make you doubt His love or your worth.  After all, Jesus died for you and me.  And He loves us even when we’re a hissing mess.  If that isn’t love, nothing is.

Father,

Thank You for Your infinite love and patience with Your child.

Thank You for reminding me that I matter.

Thank You for Jesus!

(I cannot say that enough)!

In His Name,

Amen

Who's in Control?

Thoughts for Cheri:

December 3, 2003 continued:

“Hal asked him why he got back together with me the first time we separated and he said it was because I had changed.  He knew what he had been doing and was still doing, and yet, I was the one who needed to change.  I know now that no matter what I did or didn’t do, it was never going to be enough.  And that makes me angry too.”

“I realize now that I lived in constant fear that I might do or not do something that would make him not love me and leave me.  What a laugh!  He didn’t love me anyway.  He treated me like a child.  He never comforted me when I was sick, sad, hurt, angry, or any other emotion I can think of.  He acted like it was an imposition whenever I was sick or hurt.  The kids too.  He has no compassion.”

“Why did I allow him to do this to me?  I am angry with him but I am also angry with myself for letting him do this to me.  And I’m angry with myself when I feel like I miss him or care about what he is doing now.  I don’t want to miss him.  I don’t even want to think about him.” 

“Sometimes I feel like I’m always going to be like this.  I couldn’t stand that.”

I started to omit this excerpt from my notes because I really am not into bashing my ex.  However, after thinking about it I realized that this is an important step in my journey.  It’s not about what he did, it’s about me.  I’m writing this blog to hopefully help someone else who may be in a similar situation.  I want to offer the hope that God gives to the life that is surrendered to Him.  I also want to let them know they’re not alone.  Others have walked this same path and can understand and help them if they only ask.  When I was going through this I didn’t tell anyone.  I thought I was alone.  If my experience can give just one person hope I must share all of my journey.

What do I glean from these thoughts for Cheri?  I realize that I am responsible for myself.  It’s my choice as to how I allow people to treat me.  I cannot control their actions but I can control my reactions.  I can’t go back and change what happened in my life but I have the opportunity today to share my experiences with others so that maybe someone else can benefit and make choices that improve their lives.  I hope so.

The most important thing I glean from this is that no matter what I am going through God is there with me.  He doesn’t say, ‘Oh Ginny, you messed up so I’m just going to see if you can get yourself out of this.’  No, He says, My child, I love you.  I’m waiting for you to ask for My help.  Just ask Me!’ 

And when I asked He answered.  “Sometimes I feel like I’m always going to be like this.  I couldn’t stand that.”  I am no longer like that.  God has worked in my life over the last 13 years and has changed me.  He has done it with love, comfort, and compassion, those things I was seeking from my husband.  In these years my heart has been broken, I have been hurt by words and actions, and I have been lonely.  However, He has made my life complete and has brought such joy and peace in even these toughest of times.  I’m no longer controlled by others or by my own emotions.  I have given control of me to the One who made me and knows me best.  This is the promise I keep going back to when I am tempted to feel abandoned and alone:

Father,

You have proven Yourself to be my Husband.

Thank You for Your love, comfort, and compassion.

I am blessed!

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen

Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus

Thoughts for Cheri:

December 3, 2003

“This has been a rough week so far.  I have been sad and angry most of the week.  It is not consuming, but it is a very present reality.”

“My main thought right now seems to be that I am just tired.  I am tired of the pain.  I am tired of thinking about everything.  I am tired of the struggle.  I am trying to determine how to rest in God as I know I am to do because I still have to get up and go to work in the morning.  I still have to make decisions every day.  The little things seem to be the hardest because there are so many of them.  How do I rest in Him when I still have to live this life I have right now?  I want to, I just don’t know how to.”

“I wish I could just turn off my brain and stop thinking sometimes.  I am learning to take the thoughts I don’t want to have captive and give them to God but when I am so tired as I am now, it is harder to do.”

I am very thankful for these rough weeks and days, these sad and angry moments, these periods of overwhelming tiredness.  Why?  Because as I look back over my life I know it’s in these times that I learn how to rest in God.  I learn how to let go and let Him have control.  My faith grows and my hope is restored in the hard times, not the easy moments.  

Nowhere in God's word does He promise His child an easy life.  In fact it's just the opposite.  Jesus Himself gives a warning followed by a promise:  

It’s in the times of trial and tribulation that I realize I can’t do it.  I don’t have the strength or wisdom to face difficulties on my own.  Praise God, I don’t have to!  He has ALWAYS been there when I call and/or reach out to Him.  The thing is, I must come to the end of myself before I admit my need for a Savior.  And oh how sweet it is to trust in Him!

Father,

It is so sweet to trust in Jesus!

Thank You for this precious gift so freely given by Your Son.

Open lives to the wonder of it all during this Christmas season.

In the precious Name of Jesus,

Amen