Key to

Journal Entry

April 5, 2004

“I hurt so badly-I feel so sad.  I don’t have any reason to get up in the morning-just work and I don’t like my job.  I’m so tired-please God-give me a purpose to my life.  I just need a reason to go on-something meaningful.  I know I have God and that is all that is keeping me going right now.  It’s just so hard and it hurts so much.  I’m going to hold onto Him and keep crying out.  He promises to hear and to reveal His truth to me.  I choose to wait on Him.”

This was such a difficult time for me.  I didn’t want to go back but I didn’t know what was next.  I was grieving the loss of my dream.  I don’t think people who haven’t experienced a divorce understand that it’s a death and grieving is a natural result.  This was not something I wanted and I would have worked to save my marriage even after being told what my ex had been doing.  I believed in my vows and in till death do us part.  Well, for me this was a death.

“I hurt so badly-I feel so sad.  I don’t have any reason to get up in the morning-just work and I don’t like my job.  I’m so tired-please God-give me a purpose to my life.  I just need a reason to go on-something meaningful.  I know I have God and that is all that is keeping me going right now.  It’s just so hard and it hurts so much.”  I felt like I had no purpose.  My kids, who had been my reason for living, were grown and on their own.  There was no one in my life who needed me and while I liked the people I worked with the job was boring.   I wanted a job where I felt like I was making a difference.  I wanted a new start in a new place. 

Day after day I cried out to God for relief from the pain and lack of purpose.  I know that if I had not had a relationship with Him through His Son Jesus Christ I would not be where I am today.  I don’t know that I’d be alive. 

I realized in reading over my journal that I didn’t write about one of the most important experiences of my life that occurred about this time.  I remember like it was yesterday the day my pain became so overwhelming that I just wanted it to stop.  I had always said that I didn’t understand why someone would commit suicide.  No judging, just no understanding of feeling that degree of hopelessness.  This particular day the pain washed over me in waves and I found myself lying in the middle of my living room floor just desperate for the pain to cease.  For one split second I wanted to cease living.  I say it that way because I didn’t necessarily want to be dead, I just wanted the pain to stop.  Thankfully my faith in God caused me to cry out to Him for help.  I still get emotional when I think of this because His very presence filled that room.  I felt His touch as He reached down and wrapped me in His loving arms.  I lay there sobbing as He held me and reassured me of His loving presence.  What a beautiful gift of His comfort He gave to me that day!

I still had more grieving to do, in fact sometimes I still have sad moments today but this moment was a defining one for me.  First of all I understand what it is to feel hopeless.  It’s a scary overwhelming experience.  That’s why it’s so important to me to share the hope I have in Jesus Christ with others.  I don’t want anyone else to feel hopeless when there is hope.

Secondly I know now that God is with me and will not let me down.  This was the lowest point of my life and He comforted me with the tangible gift of Himself.  I need nothing more to live in the hope He gives.  He’s real, He cares, and no one can take that away from me.  I’ve lived it.

This is one of my favorite verses because it guarantees this hope:

 

Father,

Because of the sacrifice of Your Son You alone are my hope.

Thank You for being there in the most desperate moment of my life.

I love You so!

In Jesus’ Precious Name,

Amen