Do I Deserve:

Thoughts for Cheri:

November 11, 2003

Feelings of Detachment:

“I think this feeling has its roots in my experience in 1963.  Since I blamed myself for my family’s problems, I detached myself from close relationships.  If I wasn’t a part of anything I didn’t have to take responsibility for my mistakes or for anything bad that happened.  I wouldn’t be hurt again like I was then.  I also missed out on many wonderful experiences because of this.  I sense this changing now.  I’m able to reveal myself and my thoughts and feelings to others without fearing rejection.”

“Maybe that last word is it!  Maybe I thought no one would want to have anything to do with me if I got close enough for them to know the ‘real’ me.  Is that what detachment is all about?  And the inability to look people in the eyes?  The eyes reveal so much about a person.  Have I not wanted people to know me because I thought I was such a terrible person?  Did I think I deserved to be treated the way he treated me as punishment for my ‘sins’?  Interesting thoughts!  I believe the answer to all these questions is ‘yes’!”

“Did I think I deserved to be treated the way he treated me as punishment for my ‘sins’?”  Hindsight is 20/20.  I see now how insecure and worthless I felt during those years.  I didn’t fight back, I didn’t stand up for myself because I thought I deserved to be treated with no respect or love.  I hid who I was and adapted to the desires of others for so long that I lost myself.  Yet, because I was a Christian there was always this deep felt sense that this was wrong.  I had done nothing that deserved between treated this way by the one who had vowed to love, honor, and respect me.  He didn't have the right or authority to judge me.    

There is One who has the right and authority to judge me.  He is my Creator.  Thankfully He offers mercy and grace instead of the justice my sins have earned me.  All I have to do is accept the offer made possible by His Son when He suffered, shed blood, and died on the cross.

The answer to the question "do I deserve mercy and grace" is NO!  I deserve judgment for my sins.  However, Jesus undeservedly accepted what I deserve and because of His sacrifice mercy and grace are mine.  

Please, if you doubt that you are worth being treated with love and respect look to the One who loves you so much that He gave His Son for you.  Allow the One who died for you to permeate your entire being and fill you with His love.  You are not worthless.  No one is.  That’s a lie Satan spins to keep us from God’s love.  Allow God to touch your heart and change your life.  He alone is able.

Father,

You gave Your Son to die for me.

There is nothing I can do or say to deserve such a gift.

Mercy and grace are mine instead of the judgment I do deserve.

Thank You!

In Jesus’ Name.

Amen