Journal Entry:
November 7, 2003
“Went right to counseling after work-hard but great session. I realized I have felt guilt over what happened to my family in 1963. It wasn’t my fault but as a child I thought it was. Also realized how far I have come in so many areas. Praise the LORD! ‘Thank You Lord. I do love You so much!’”
I remember this
session with Cheri. I don’t remember
what Cheri asked me that revived this memory but I remember telling her about
it. I know it was from God because I needed
to remember so that I could heal.
In 1963 my
parents, brother, and sister were living in Georgetown, KY. My dad was pastor of a church we had started
and we were content there. I had made
many good friends in the 3 years we had lived there. I had begun playing clarinet and was looking
forward to being in the band when I went into 7th grade the next
year. It was a great life for a 12 year
old. Then everything changed. I won’t go into detail but things happened
and we ended up leaving the church and moving to Lexington.
When I give my
testimony I use the woman with the issue of blood as a starting point. The following is taken from my testimony:
“A comment made by my mom to a friend of our family as we were leaving town affected me for the next 40 years of my life. What she said doesn’t matter. It really didn’t even have anything to do with me. However, in my young mind, I interpreted her comment to mean that I was responsible for what had happened to our family. I know now that isn’t what she meant. But at that moment, without realizing I was doing it, I detached myself from life. I kept on breathing but my lifeblood, my passions, my joy, began to seep out of my body. The hemorrhage, while tiny, had begun.”
This is what I remembered
on that day in 2003 with Cheri. It was
such an ‘aha’ moment! It was such a
healing moment! Relating this experience
to her and exploring the feelings it aroused in me brought such freedom to the
young girl who had been hurting all those years. My healing was not complete because others
wounds over the years had to be faced and dealt with but at least the flow of
blood began to slow a bit. This was the memory
I needed to continue my journey. God’s
timing is perfect!
I don’t in any
way blame my mom. If I told you the
comment that was made you, as an adult would say, “How in the world did that
statement make you think you were at fault?”
In looking back and knowing the situation I know exactly why I thought
that. I took the comment as a criticism
of something I did. It wasn’t.
We need to
remember that Satan is on the alert for anything he can use against God’s child
of any age. He whispers accusations to
make us doubt God and His mercy. I don’t
know what the answer is to keep things like this from happening especially to a
child. There may not be an immediate
answer in this fallen world. As an adult
I’ve learned to recognize those moments and rebuke Satan with the name of Jesus
but that’s a difficult concept for a child or even a young person. I know my mom had no idea of what
happened. I also know God knew the whole
time and, just like the woman with the issue of blood who was healed by Jesus after
12 years, He knew the exact time I needed to remember this moment and began the
healing process. I don’t know why this
particular day was that time but He does.
This reassures
me that whatever I may be walking through today God knows and cares, and His purpose
is being and will be accomplished in my life through all circumstances. It will be in His perfect time not my
imperfect idea of the best time. The
question today is, do I want to do my will in my time or do I submit my life to
the will and timing of the One who loves me most.
Father,
Your timing is
perfect.
I don’t always understand
it.
I do trust You.
Therefore, I trust
You timing in my life.
In Jesus’ Name,
Amen
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