Of Turtles and Dragons

Thoughts for Cheri cont.:

November 11, 2003

“The image I see is one of a turtle that pulls back in his shell when he senses danger.  I created a shell of protection for myself, detaching myself from all feelings.  The problem with that is I ‘protected’ myself from life, the life God had for me.  Satan kept prodding me with ‘sticks’ so I wouldn’t poke my head out.  When I did venture out by teaching a class, singing a solo, joining a group, or anything else risky, the old feelings of worthlessness, inferiority, and insecurity would rear their ugly heads and I would pull back into my shell.”

Okay, so I was like a frog in a kettle of water (previous blog post) and a turtle in a shell!  Interesting comparisons but very appropriate.  I would venture out into the world just like a turtle does but I was also wary and only revealed a little of the real me just like a turtle.  I kept that shell of protection around the vulnerable parts of myself so that I couldn’t be hurt.  I shielded my heart, mind, and soul so that nothing could touch me. 

Reading this now makes me wonder what I missed all those years.  At the same time I look back and remember the blessings God gave to me in spite of myself.  My children, family, friends, and life-changing experiences are blessings that even today bring joy and smiles to me.  He alone could penetrate that hard shell and He did.

While I was writing that last sentence the Chronicles of Narnia book The Voyage of the Dawn Treader by C. S. Lewis came to mind.  The boy Eustace is turned into a dragon.  When he had learned his lesson Aslan the Lion appeared to him.  We learn what happened from Eustace himself:

“Then the lion said — but I don’t know if it spoke — You will have to let me undress you. I was afraid of his claws, I can tell you, but I was pretty nearly desperate now. So I just lay flat down on my back to let him do it.
“The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I’ve ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off. You know — if you’ve ever picked the scab of a sore place. It hurts like billy-oh but it is such fun to see it coming away.”
“Well, he peeled the beastly stuff right off – just as I thought I’d done it myself the other three times, only they hadn’t hurt – and there it was lying on the grass, only ever so much thicker, and darker, and more knobbly-looking than the others had been. And there was I smooth and soft as a peeled switch and smaller than I had been. Then he caught hold of me – I didn’t like that much for I was very tender underneath now that I’d no skin on — and threw me into the water. It smarted like anything but only for a moment. After that it became perfectly delicious and as soon as I started swimming and splashing I found that all the pain had gone from my arm. And then I saw why. I’d turned into a boy again. . . .” C.S Lewis, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader.

Much of the last 13 years have been my “peeling years”.  God has peeled away the thick layers of protection I had wrapped around myself.  Much of this peeling, like Eustace’s, was extremely painful but knowing it was for my good made it a pleasure.  It was “such fun to see it coming away”.  He ripped off the disguise I had used to hide from the world and others and myself began to see and know the Ginny He’d created me to be. 

“After that it became perfectly delicious and as soon as I started swimming and splashing I found that all the pain had gone from my arm.”  The pain I felt during those years is gone.  Yes, I have physical pain but it pales in comparison to the soul searing agony I experienced as God tore away the scales from my soul.  The colors of creation increasingly become more vivid than I could have ever imagined.  The music of the world whether it be birds, voices, melodies, etc. sounds sweeter as each day goes by.  The vividness of God’s creation overwhelms me daily and it is such a joy to truly be alive.

The hope I have is that as wonderful as my life is now I can’t wait to see what eternity with Jesus will bring.  The colors and sounds and joy and peace and so much more are miracles I cannot imagine.  God’s word tells me that:

I for one cannot wait to see and hear what He has prepared for me!

Father,

Thank you for loving me enough to tear away the shell of protection I erected in my life.

Thank You for penetrating that shell even when I resisted.

Thank You for the colors and sounds of this world that make me rejoice.

Thank You most of all for the hope of an eternity with You because of Jesus Christ.

In His Name,

Amen.