Remembering Day Two

Journal Posting April 2, 2003:

“I feel sad and lonely.  I wish I had someone in a human body to talk to about the spiritual feelings I am having…I’m going to spend time with God before bed.  I need to pour out my heart and soul to Him...I wish I had a deeper more intimate relationship with my husband…I want to share everything with him but I don’t think he always hears or understands me.  I know God does!” Then I wrote this:

“God is my refuge.
He hears my heartfelt cry.
He doesn’t judge me,
He just listens and then says,
‘My child, I am here.
Rest in My embrace and let Me be your comfort and your guide.’
He is my Friend when I feel friendless.
He is the Lover of my soul.
Almighty God I love You!
Amen.”

When I read this I think, “Wow, what a sad lonely girl this was!”  And I was.  I had no one in my life I could be totally honest with because I had learned that being honest and sharing my feelings led to me being chastised and/or ridiculed.  Nothing I enjoyed or felt was important or valued by my husband.  I was treated like I was stupid and wrong in everything I thought or did unless it came from or benefited him.   

I had no close friends because I felt unlikable and not worth knowing.  Besides if anyone got close to me they might learn the truth.  Even my family didn’t know the truth because I was so good at putting on a mask to hide the pain.

Writing these words makes me so sad for this person.  It also makes me so grateful for the work God has done in my life over the years.  Not just since my divorce but during the difficult years.  As I reflect on them I see so many times when He provided people, circumstances, and events that blessed me and prepared me for what was going to happen.  I’ll be sharing some of these in the days to come.  He is amazing!

If you’re reading this and you’re in a difficult situation please cry out to God.  I’m not promising circumstances will change immediately.  I am saying that if you have a relationship with Jesus, God will hear and He will act in His time.  Meanwhile, He will provide for you and bless you in ways that you cannot imagine.  I know.  I’ve lived it.

"Be good to me, God—and now!

I’ve run to you for dear life.

I’m hiding out under your wings until the hurricane blows over.

I call out to High God, the God who holds me together.

He sends orders from heaven and saves me, he humiliates those who kick me around.

God delivers generous love, he makes good on his word."

Psalm 57:1-3 MSG