The Tsumami Slams Into My Life

Journal posting April 4, 2003

This day started like most any other Friday at that time in my life.  I got up, got dressed, ate breakfast, and drove to work.  I worked all day, came home, let the dog out, and waited for my husband to get home for the weekend.  He called to tell me that we were going out for pizza which suited me just fine.  He pulled in the driveway, shut off his truck, gave me a hug and kiss, and off we went to town. 

We had a nice supper at a local pizza place with our normal conversation.  I look back on it and realize that he did seem preoccupied but he was quite often that way with me.  I didn’t ever seem to be his focus of attention, I realize now I wasn’t important to him. 

When we got home he told me to sit down at the kitchen table because he knew I’d been wondering about what was going on with him and that he was ready to tell me.

This is what I wrote later about that moment.

“My world fell apart today.  My husband told me that he has had numerous affairs and one night stands for almost 20 years now and that he had never loved me.  He announced that it was God’s, his parents, and my fault and that he was going to divorce me.”

I think I was in shock just as you would be after any traumatic event.  I didn’t say a word.  I went to the bedroom and he went back out to his truck where he would spend the night.  To be honest with you the rest of the night is kind of a blur.  I remember my son coming in and asking me if I was okay.  At that point I really was.  Looking back I believe I was resting in God’s arms as He prepared me for the days to come.  I do remember some other things that happened as the night progressed but out of respect for others involved I won’t recount them.  Nothing terrible, just not my story to tell. 

The one thing that’s kind of funny now happened right after he went out to his truck.  When he came home he gave me a stuffed Tweety Bird as an “early” birthday present.  I remember grabbing it up, storming out to the truck, pulling open the door, and flinging it inside.  I think my words were something to the effect of, “I don’t want this; I don’t want anything from you!”  I slammed the door and that was that.  Isn’t it something that my first real show of independence was throwing poor little Tweety Bird?  Kinda sad.   Tweety hadn’t done anything to me.

 My oldest son called and checked on me too. I remember him asking me if I was okay and I said yes.  Back to my usual pulling into my shell of safety I had built over the years.  He had talked to his father and knew what had happened so he said, “Mom, I talked to dad, how are you really?” I think I said “I really don’t know how I am.”  And I didn’t.  That’s all I remember except being aware that my children would be there for me in the coming days.  My daughter wasn’t home so he said he’d call her and tell her what had happened.  I crawled into bed and fell asleep, one of the first of many gifts I would receive from God.

I view this as a death in my life.  My dream of an enduring God-centered Bible-based marriage was dead.  The man I thought I’d married died that night too.  I knew things weren’t the way they should be but I thought he was an honorable man.  In spite of everything else I trusted him to be faithful.  It was like a dagger to my heart to learn who he really was.

I didn’t know it that night but I was about to enter a period of mourning that would lead me into the most loving, kind, merciful relationship I could ever imagine.  An overwhelming desire to know my Father more deeply and intimately was birthed from deep labor pains.   Psalm 40:1-3 became real to me as I daily cried out to God. 

Tomorrow my new life begins.