The God Who Sees Me

Journal entries:

June 23, 2003

“Work-fixed a problem with an account and found problems with another one.  Up most of the night with digestive issues. (I changed the wording for this posting!) J”

June 24, 2003

“Stayed home sick today.  Lawyer called.  H. offered a lump sum and he will pay lawyer’s fees.  Will change beneficiary of my life insurance policy to kids but not his in case they divorce.  He still wants control.  Probably go to court Monday.”

June 25, 2003

“Went to work and helped with bills.  Still sick so home at lunch.  Rested and worked on Bible study but didn’t go.  Talked to Tanya, Tim, and Pat.  Got sweet card from one of the ladies at RV who took me in when I first got married.”

June 26, 2003

“Slow at work.  Too much time to think.  I so desire a different type of job.  God will provide.  Talked to another friend for an hour.  It’s so good to know who your friends are.  God is so good!  ‘Father, thank You for my friends.’”

June 27, 2003

"Long day at work.  Got card from Bible study in mail-so nice.  Friend from SECC left message inviting me to go with the class to Cowboy Church tonight.  Went and had a great time.  She even treated me to supper.  People seemed genuinely happy to see me there.  ‘Father, thank You for people who care.’”

I begin these postings by just typing in journal entries with no preconceived idea of what I’m going to say.  Sometimes as I’m typing a theme immediately presents itself.  Sometimes one day’s posting is enough.  Days like today it takes a few more. 

One of the first things I noticed was the lack of a recorded prayer on the first three days.  Not sure why but maybe it was my illness.  I know myself and I will tell you I had to be really sick to miss work.  Even today I rarely miss because of illness.  It was probably all I could do to write what I did.  I know I talked to God each day, so I'm thankful it doesn’t have to be written for Him to receive my prayers.

“Lawyer called.  H. offered a lump sum and he will pay lawyer’s fees.  Will change beneficiary of my life insurance policy to kids but not his in case they divorce.  He still wants control.  Probably go to court Monday.”  I highlighted this because it’s important.  However, and this may change over the coming weeks and months, one thing I’ve noticed is that up to now I really haven’t written much negative stuff about H.  I take no credit for this.  I just think I was concentrating so hard on moving on and not letting my life be controlled any more so that’s what I wrote about.  Thankfully H. wasn’t in my life any more so I could move on.  I do remember and will write about moments when the “stuff” from our marriage overwhelmed me and caused great sadness and anger.  To me this is like allowing the poison in a wound to be removed so healing can take place.  It’s not easy but it’s necessary.  God does the preliminary work in the next few months but in October 2003 the painful excision of that poison begins in my life.  To be honest, I’m anxious to get there but I know revisiting these prelims is to my benefit and maybe someone else’s.

Last but not least the “green” entries.  Reading these reveal to me a child desperate for someone to show love, friendship, caring, and acceptance to her.  “…who took me in.”  “It’s so good to know who your friends are.”  “Got card from Bible study in mail-so nice.  Friend from SECC left message inviting me to go with the class to Cowboy Church tonight.  Went and had a great time.  She even treated me to supper.  People seemed genuinely happy to see me there.” 

My self-esteem was non-existent.  I didn’t realize it at the time but although my faith was strong and I knew God loved me, I didn’t think anybody else even saw me much less liked me.   It makes me wonder how many more people are out there feeling like no one sees them.  Many of them don’t even have faith in God to cling to like I did.  It’s heartbreaking.  My hope is that God will somehow use my words (given to me by Him) to encourage one person to seek Him and to realize their worth as a child of God.  I’m thankful that we are only called to plant the seed.  God takes care of the results.

Father,

My prayer is that one person will see in my words that hope that is found only in You.

No matter what we believe or what the world says about us,

we are special in Your sight.

Give me wisdom and courage to plant the seed.

Thank You for making that seed grown.

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen