Walking By and In Faith

Journal Entries

May 31, 2003

“What a day!  Spent morning working in apartment-hung pictures, etc.  Went to graduation party.  Saw several people who said they miss me-it still hurts.  Stopped at friend’s house and visited.  Nice time.  Volts light came on in car-Roger said battery or alternator-car wouldn’t run right so called AAA and had them tow it to BP.  Tanya and Roger brought me home.  I won’t be able to go to church tomorrow-that hurts.  Talked to Pat and Hal-I do have people who care but sometimes I am so lonely-I must cling to God-He is my constant, my Friend, my Husband, my Source of everything.  ‘Lord, draw me close to You-be with me Sunday as I am alone.’”

June 1, 2003

“Long day with no car.  Watched Gaither videos and worshipped God!  Hung pictures, finished going through boxes, bedroom straightened.  Talked to Tim & Tanya.  Gordon called from BP-it is alternator-cost: $290.  Also drive belt should be replaced-it is cracked-$50 more.  God will provide.  I do get my car back tomorrow.  I was lonely some but not alone.  God is with me and He is helping me in so many ways.  ‘Father help me do my work will tomorrow.  Thank You for all we accomplished today.’”

June 2, 2003

“Busy day at work-lots of mail.  Got car back.  Went to Divorce Care at SECC.  I feel mixed emotions about it but I know I need to go.  I also want to get started writing again.  ‘Lord, please help me to rest at night so I can get up earlier and spend time with You and do some writing.’”

As I read over my journal I’m beginning to like this person.  For such a long time I didn’t like myself.  It started before I married which is one reason why I think I married too young to the wrong person.  I was desperate to be liked and loved and I thought he did both.  I was wrong. 

I need to take a moment to explain something here.  This may sound like I felt unloved by everyone.  I know I was loved by my parents and siblings.  I am blessed to have grown up with parents who loved the Lord and who took us to church and taught us about Jesus.  I was never mistreated by any family member.  In fact, if anything, I was spoiled rotten.  I am the youngest and took full advantage of that fact.  However, unavoidable events had happened in and to my family that upset my sense of security as a teenager and I believe that affected my sense of self.  That’s why I was vulnerable to someone showing me affection.

 I decided to read over these entries as if reading about another person.  I was struck by her strength, vulnerability, honesty, and faith.  To be honest with you it surprised me.  This is not how I remember thinking of myself during this time.  I felt unsure, sad, lonely, and afraid.  To me this is such a testimony to God’s faithful love, mercy, grace, and provision.  He heard my cry each night.  He led me moment by moment through each day.  He taught me to take care of and love myself so that I could do as Jesus commanded, love others. 

The statement “Thank You for all we accomplished today” reflects the relationship I have with Him, one characterized by faith.   I can do nothing in my own strength.  I believe God gave me the gift of faith and that’s what has carried me through my entire life. 

…to one is given a message of wisdom
through the Spirit,
to another, a message of knowledge
by the same Spirit,
to another, faith by the same Spirit,
to another, gifts of healing by the one Spirit,
to another, the performing of miracles,
to another, prophecy,
to another, distinguishing between spirits,
to another, different kinds of languages,
to another, interpretation of languages.

1 Corinthians 12:8-10

Father,

Looking back I see Your child who was walking a difficult path.

I see You walking beside and sometimes carrying her as she traveled.

All I can say is thank You!

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen