Moments

Journal Entries:

June 12, 2003

“Strange day.  Two of my coworkers were off, two left early for health reasons, leaving two of us in our department.  It was quiet.  Hal called in the evening-he and Carie were leaving for Kentucky.  Had a quiet evening at home. ‘Lord, be with Hal and Carie as they travel and as they get the dogs.’”

June 13, 2003

“Slow long day at work but evening was wonderful.  Hal, Tim, Tanya, Carie, Roger, and Wayne came.  We ate pizza, talked, laughed, cried, and healed.  I feel closer to them than I ever have.  Praise the Lord-He is so good!  ‘Lord, please bless us as a family-hold us close to You and to each other.’”

June 14, 2003

“What a wonderful day!  Hal and Carie took me to the Summit where I spent my gift certificate.  Got a complete bedding set, a towel rack for bedroom, salt & pepper shakers, spoon rest, & two soap dispensers.  I enjoyed being with them.  They went to Lexington to eat with some friends.  I had a nice evening at home.  Tanya called from the Kentucky Speedway-she saw Terry Bradshaw and he called her ‘Sweetie’.  She said she was speechless.  It was just a great day.  ‘Father, thank You for my children.  Watch over each of them.’”

June 15, 2003

“Wonderful Bible class and worship.  Sat with friends and they took me out to eat.  They are so wonderful.  Restful afternoon until about 5:30.  Hal called.  When he, Carie, and Tim went to get dogs from the house H. had a friend over.  The kids didn’t want to talk to him so they quickly loaded up the dogs and left.  It does hurt!  My friend and her kids came by-it was good to talk to her.  I am thankful for good friends.  ‘Lord, help me to think of others this day’”

These days were special because of my kids.  We were all together for the first time in a while.  The statement “I feel closer to them than I ever had” may seem strange since I’m their mother and of course when they were little I was close to them.  I have always loved them more than life itself.  I think this was different because we were all adults and we were together without the fear and anxiety that had been present for most of their lives.  It was just a sweet time of family fellowship.  In the years since, like most parent-adult child relationships we’ve had our ups and downs but I’ve always known I can count on them if I need them.  We are all very independent people who live our own lives but our love for each other is real.  I’ve had to learn how to be myself with them just like I did with friends.  It’s probably been harder with them because I am mom and they are still my babies no matter how old they get.  I’ve let go of some expectations I had of what our relationships would be like which is a good thing because no person can meet our expectations.  God is the only One who never fails me. 

The time of shopping with Hal and Carie was special in a different way.  It was fun being with them since I don’t get to see much of them.  Being able to shop for myself without apprehension or guilt was still a very new experience, one I quite enjoyed. 

The entry about Tanya and Terry Bradshaw was a moment that made a mom’s heart happy.  She is a huge Pittsburgh Steeler fan and she and Roger were at the Speedway to help a friend’s daughter earn money for a group she was in.  She never expected to see Terry Bradshaw!  This was a special moment for her and I’m so glad it happened.  My kids had some great experiences growing up but their childhood was not easy so anytime something happens that makes their hearts sing it does the same to mine.  This made Tanya’s heart sing.

Sunday was a day of mixed emotions.  I love that God knows what we need when we need it.  I didn’t go into all that happened at the house when they pick up the dogs because I don’t need to share that.  However, it was a painful event for the kids and for me.  For me it was a reminder of what could have been if other choices had been made and a dose of reality of what really was. The time of worship and with friends that day were gifts from God to ease the pain.  The friend who came by was one of the friends I wrote about yesterday who did not let my meanness keep her from loving me.  Her friendship reminded me that I was lovable and even likeable.  These were still novel ideas for me.

As I read back over my journal I reminded of things I’d forgotten about.  From a vantage point thirteen years removed I see how the little things, good and bad, brought me to where I am today.  God doesn’t waste anything in our lives.  As Paul says:

When we love Him, God takes every part of our lives and brings about His purpose so that we can impact His world for His kingdom.  It’s in the hard places that our heart becomes softened and our will aligns with His so that we can use what we experience to touch others and hopefully help them to see Jesus.  That is after all the ultimate purpose for those who are called by Him, to live each moment for God.

Father,

Thank You for loving me.

In fact, You love me too much to let me coast through life.

You have walked with, led, and carried me through all things in this life

so that Your purpose can be fulfilled in me.

Continue to do so until my time on this earth is complete.

I love You so!

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen