Faith

One of the things that really helped me during my weeks of counseling with Cheri was e-mail.  I had discovered that I could best express myself in and through the written word.  In the days between sessions I would often write e-mails and send them to her.  It was through these that she often discovered issues that I needed to face.  She could always pick up on the underlying problem or feeling that I needed to deal with so that I could heal.  Today I’m going to share excerpts from the first e-mail I sent her.  It was written on October 5, the last journal entry I made on last week’s blog.

Before I start let me just say that when I share these e-mails it will be the first time I’ve shared much of what I wrote with anyone but Cheri.  These words are coming from a soul with bleeding wounds that had festered for many years.  I’ll be honest with you.  If it was just up to me I’m not sure I’d do this but God is moving in me to share my deepest hurts.  I know that He doesn’t waste a thing we go through in this world so I’m praying that just one person will benefit from reading this.  I leave the message and the results up to Him.

“I just want to let you know how I am feeling right now.  I found out some things yesterday that have made me sad and angry.  I will tell you more when I see you ‘cause I have to explain some of it to you.  Anyway, I have cried and yelled at God.  I’m not angry with Him, just with people and the situation and I know He knows it so I can yell.  I realized tonight that I know this is going to be painful but I want to feel the pain and the anger and everything else, so I can experience it, deal with it, and get on with my life.  I am so tired of this!  I don’t even know why I am crying sometimes, I just start crying.
I almost feel like I’ve been, not in denial, because I know what happened, but maybe hoping God would work a miracle and restore my family and make it what it never was.  I know now that’s not going to happen, and I really don’t want it to, but I'm so sad.  It’s like I’ve been in shock and even though I’ve felt pain what I’m feeling now is different, more intense.  I really don’t know how to explain it.
It’s like there’s this poison in me that I have to get out.  I hope all this makes sense to you.  I’m new at expressing my innermost feelings.  I’ve never been allowed to do this before.  Actually, I have never been able to express my opinions, feelings, or anything else.  It’s kind of scary.  I still feel like people I care about won’t love or like me if I let them know me.  I am becoming more comfortable with opening up with you and revealing me.  It’s scary but I want to do it.  I don’t believe you will abandon me.  I have felt abandoned by so many people in my life.  I thought I had friends at our church but it’s like I don’t matter and they are accepting him and his girlfriend like everything is okay.  That’s a major hurt!Well, right now I am exhausted from the day, the emotions, and everything else.  I’m also about to cry again.  And again, I will be okay.  I did laugh yesterday and today.”

The words in red express feelings.  Feelings that reflect the state of my heart, not my soul.  My soul was and is safe with Jesus.  My heart was bleeding.  I use as my testimony the women with the issue of blood because I was her.  It wasn’t literal blood that flowed from my body but it was my lifeblood that was seeping out through the wounds I had received.  I will share later how Cheri helped me discover the original source of that bleeding but for now just know that I began bleeding one day and the flow increased over the years. 

The words in green are facts.  For most of my adult life I wasn’t able to reveal me.  I just knew that if I did I would be abandoned.  Turns out I was abandoned anyway.  It was a new experience to feel so comfortable with Cheri.  It was freeing.  Never once did she tell me or make me think I shouldn’t “feel” this or “believe” that.  Her responses affirmed me as a person who matters.  This was a big deal.

The words in blue are hopeful.  I realize I didn’t like this person very much.  Then I read these words I see her in a different light.  Even in the midst of this terrible pain she was able to find a rainbow, a promise that things would get better.  Even these 13 years later reading this helps me like her not only then but now more than I would have thought possible.  It’s a good feeling to like yourself when you felt unlovable and unlikeable for so many years.

The words in purple reflect my faith.  I knew I could yell at God and He’d listen to me.  He’d take care of me.  I take no credit for the faith that is reflected in this belief.  I don’t know why He did but God gave me more than an extra measure of faith when He formed me in my mother’s womb.  I really have just always known He’ll take care of me.  I really have never doubted, even in the worst of times.  I say I don’t know why but I guess I do.

God is the one who created me.  He knew before I was in that womb what my days on this earth would bring.  He gives to each of His children just what we need to live our lives as they unfold each day.  I don’t understand this but I know it’s true.  I’ve seen it in my life and the lives of so many others who choose to believe His message of hope and love sent in His Son Jesus Christ.  My faith has carried me through the darkest of days and nights.  I still cling to it today when I face loneliness, rejection, sadness, or pain of any kind.  He has never failed me and His word promises that He never will.

I said at the beginning that God led me to share this.  My prayer is that someone who needs to know it’s okay to hurt, it’s okay to tell Him how you feel even if it’s anger, it’s okay to be honest about the pain you’re experiencing will see that through my experiences.  If you seek His help He will provide someone to listen like He did for me with Cheri.  You are not alone.  If you don’t have a relationship with Jesus please open your heart, mind, and soul to Him.  He really does love you and He’s just waiting for you to invite Him in.

Father,

What an awesome God You are!

You give us exactly what we need before we are formed in the womb.

You gave us the promise of life eternal through Your Son.

All we have to do is call on His name.

Open eyes, hearts, and souls to this precious gift.

In the name of our Savior Jesus Christ!

Amen.