What am I worth?

Excerpts from e-mail to Cheri:

October 19, 2003

“Cheri, it’s Sunday afternoon at about 4:15 p.m. and I’m not doing well at all. I had a wonderful Saturday. This morning at church was good too. Everyone was nice and caring. I talked to a few people and heard several making plans to go eat and watched friends and family leaving together. Then I went home alone and ate my microwave meal. I was down some but okay. One of the ladies in choir said they had a prayer meeting at 4 p.m. I wasn’t sure I wanted to go but I thought it would be a good chance to meet people and become more a part of the choir so I got ready and drove to church. I got there right at 4 and it was locked up. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back I guess. I got in my car and came home crying.”

“I haven’t been angry with God since this began but I’m afraid I’m getting that way now. I’ve never had a close friend but at least I had someone to do things with even if he didn’t treat me right. Now I feel like I have no one. I don’t have anyone to call and say let’s go get something to eat or let’s go shopping or to a movie or just hang out. I am so lonely. I know I have people who care but they all have lives of their own. I’ve been praying for months for a special friend and I’m so tired of it. I don’t understand why He doesn’t say yes to this and give me a friend. What have I done to deserve to be so alone? My ex has friends. At least he’s not alone. It’s not fair. I’m tired of being patient and I’m tired of trying and I’m tired of being alone. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I must be a terrible person because no one wants to be my friend. My husband threw me away and no one wants to get close to me. It hurts bad and I don’t know what to do. The only time my phone rings is when my family calls me. I am crying so hard right now that I can barely type this.”

“I don’t know if this makes sense, I just know I had to do something to get this out. I’m angry and hurt. I don’t blame people because they don’t know me but you already know I worry about things I have said or done alienating people so I feel like I’m not good enough to have friends. I must be doing something that keeps people from getting close to me. I don’t know what to do. I guess I’m just not worth much.”

“I can’t type anymore. I’m crying so hard my head hurts. I guess I won’t make it to church tonight because I’m now exhausted and there are a lot more tears to come.”

“I’m just angry and I have to yell at God. He can take it, can’t He? Please pray for me when you get this.”

I started to break this e-mail into at least 2 days blog postings but as I read it I realized it needed to stay as one heart cry for help.  I think the thing I like most about this is the honesty I see in these words.  I see a hurting soul who’s learning how to let out her emotions and to be honest with herself and at least one other person.  And I’m extremely grateful for God’s gift to me of Cheri, someone who listened, didn’t judge, and understood me.  If anything or anyone was ever a Godsend it was Cheri.

“I haven’t been angry with God since this began but I’m afraid I’m getting that way now.  I’m just angry and I have to yell at God.  He can take it, can’t He?”  Looking back I realize I wasn’t angry with God, I was angry with my situation.  I was angry with my ex.  I was angry with myself.  I felt safe with God because I knew He wouldn’t stop caring for and loving me if I yelled.  I think if I blamed Him I would’ve stopped talking to and trusting Him.  That has never happened to this day.  I learned that I can be totally honest with Him because He knows everything anyway.  And I learned that when I cry out to Him He listens.

Green words.  These words are interesting because the truth is my life is a lot like that today and I’m content.  I have lots of friends, people who love and like me.  However, I’m still alone much of the time except at work.  In the evenings I’m tired and prefer the quiet of my apartment and my puppy.  I like having caller ID so I don’t have to answer the phone unless I know who it is and I want to talk.  I have friends I go out to eat with and my friend Molly and I get together every so often and eat out, shop, or do whatever.  I think the key difference is found in:  “What have I done to deserve to be so alone?  I feel like I must be a terrible person because no one wants to be my friend.”  The truth is I don’t deserve what I have, a Savior who shed His blood on the cross so I would be saved and rose to new life so I would be with Him forever.  He didn’t deserve to be alone but He was when He was hanging on that cross.  Because He was willing to be forsaken I never will be.  And then there’s this:

I am never without a friend.  Everyone in this world could forsake me and I’d still have Jesus.  What an awesome comforting thought that is! 

Through God’s word, prayer, and counseling I’ve learned I’m never alone.  My last words to Cheri in the e-mail prove that even in the midst of this deep despair I knew I wasn’t alone.  “Please pray for me when you get this.”  I had a friend who would pray for me and a Father who would listen to her prayer. 

I want to end with thoughts about these words:  “I guess I’m just not worth much.”  If the Son of God was willing to leave His Father, walk as a man in this broken world, and suffer rejection, humiliation, pain, and death for me I am certainly not worthless.  Neither are you.  I am covered by the blood of Jesus Christ!  Are you?

Father,

You hear the heart cry of Your broken child.

You not only hear, You respond with love and compassion.

What an awesome God You are!

I love You so!

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen.