Grace

Journal entry:

October 17, 2003

“I wrote my feelings and e-mailed them to Cheri.  (cont.)

Random Thoughts sent to Cheri:

“Even when he was on the road, I had to be busy all the time.  He had me so scared that if I wasn’t doing anything when I talked to him on the phone I would lie and say I was.  I would lie about watching UK games or other TV.  When I forgot to do something I would say I had done it and then did it.  I also lied for the kids.  I didn’t realize till now how scared I was of him and I still am to a certain degree but I’m getting over it.  I do still feel that knot in my stomach sometimes when I think about him or when I do something I know he wouldn’t like.”

Sharing this was not easy for me.  Admitting that I lied is humbling.  It’s taken me 13 years to be able to do this.  Up till now Cheri is the only one I’ve told about it.  I felt safe with her.  I’m sharing it now in the hope that someone who may be experiencing something similar reads this and will be encouraged. 

It helped me to know that the only reason I lied was to protect myself and my kids.  That doesn’t make it right but it is understandable.  I also know that the fear and the need to protect myself carried over into other parts of my life, especially my job.  Making a mistake at work was devastating.  If there was a way for me to lie my way out of it I did.  When I couldn’t I would tremble in fear and break down in tears. 

At the time I wrote this email I was still dealing with this fear.  It’s only been in the last couple of years that I’ve realized I don’t do this anymore.   When I make a mistake I admit it, apologize if appropriate, and try to remedy the situation.  No one has disowned me, unfriended me, or stopped loving me because I made a mistake.  I don’t using lies as a coping mechanism anymore because I no longer fear.  God’s perfect love has driven out fear just as His word promises.  What a relief.

Satan does try to throw my past lies in my face every now and then.  But you know what?  I’ve confessed my sins to my Father and He has forgiven me once and for all.  I just remind Satan of that and his voice is stilled.  I remind him that God’s word promises me that:

God doesn’t just forgive, He forgets.  When I stand in His presence at the end of my life He will not say, “Well, Ginny, I remember all those sins you committed in your life.  Let me just make an accounting here and see if the good outweighs the bad.”  No, Jesus will say, “Father, this is one of mine.  She’s covered by the blood I shed on the cross for her sins.”  And to me He will say, “Welcome Home!”

Because:

Father,

“Grace, grace God’s grace.

Grace that is greater than all my sins!”

Thank You for Your grace.

In Jesus’s Name

Amen