Passions from God

PASSIONS

Journal entry:

October 17, 2003

“I wrote my feelings and e-mailed them to Cheri.  (cont.)

“I never watched anything bad because I wasn’t interested, but any TV was a waste of time.  Reading was a waste of time.  Just being was a waste of time.  I did so many things and went to so many meetings that I didn’t really want to go to over the past 32 years that no wonder I am tired.  I am still working on the concept that I have the right to make decisions about what I want do or do not want to do.  It’s frightening and exhilarating at the same time.”

“I never watched anything bad because I wasn’t interested, but any TV was a waste of time.  Reading was a waste of time.  Just being was a waste of time.  I did so many things and went to so many meetings that I didn’t really want to go to over the past 32 years that no wonder I am tired.  All I can say about this is God has shown me that nothing He gave me as a passion like reading, writing, music, UK basketball, love for animals, etc. is ever a waste of time as long as I keep them in their proper place.  I’ve also learned that I can miss a meeting or an event and the world would keep on spinning. 

“I am still working on the concept that I have the right to make decisions about what I want do or do not want to do.  There’s so much meaning in this sentence.  I was 52 years old when I wrote this!  At that age I was discovering that I had the right to make my own decisions.  That’s sad on one hand and great on the other.  Sad because I was an adult but had not been treated like one for years.  Great because I had been delivered from a difficult situation and God was providing the way for me to grow and become the adult He created me to be.

I will say it took me several years to reach the point where I am comfortable doing what I want to do.  Even now in 2016 there are moments when I’m doing nothing that a slight tinge of guilt touches me.  Having fibromyalgia can make this interesting.  In the last few months the pain and fatigue have greatly increased.  I find that after pouring what energy I do have into my job every day I am exhausted when I get home.  I do what’s necessary for myself and my puppy and then I sit and rest.  And I’ve learned to reject the guilt and realize that it’s okay.

As an aside, those who know me will know why I love the fact that this is the symbol for fibromyalgia:

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I had been diagnosed with this disease while I was married.  I don’t think it would’ve been pretty.  I’m thankful God has placed me in a spacious place where I can rest in the evenings without being ridiculed or feeling guilty.  He has truly blessed me.

It’s frightening and exhilarating at the same time.”  I like this sentence.  I like that I wrote this back in 2003 just 6 months into this journey.  To me it’s proof that I was beginning to feel, to live life, to enjoy my passions.  I hadn’t done much of that except when it came to my kids.  The one thing that’s important to know is that I loved raising my kids.  Yes there are things I wish I’d done differently but I think we could all say that.  However, I loved and supported them the best I could.  They are the brightest and best results of those 32 years of my life.  But now God was opening up to me a life that was frightening because it was different and full of possibilities I’d never had before.  And it was exhilarating for the same reasons. 

I am finding that the things I have a passion for in this life are the things I use to connect and share with others.  Many times these things open doors to friendships and opportunities to minister to and witness to others.  God places passions into each life; it’s what we do with them that counts.  He wants us to use them for His kingdom but it’s our choice.  I didn’t have a choice for so long and it’s wonderful, affirming, and freeing to have that choice today.  I choose to live out my passions as a child of God.

Father,

You’ve given me a unique array of passions in this life.

Teach me how to serve You best with each of them.

Open me up to opportunities to share You with others because of them.

Thank You,

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen