Reflecting on Reflections

E-mail to Cheri about Praise Gathering continued:

“Ken Davis is hilarious and edifying all at the same time.  So many things were wonderful but the one event that stood out to me personally happened Thursday evening.  I have had judgmental thoughts towards Amy Grant but I will say I had been rethinking them the past few months for obvious reasons.  She sang Thursday and gave her testimony.  She said she never believed she would be living through the end of a very public marriage, a new marriage, and birth of a child at 40.  She said she felt like a failure but that God does forgive and restore.  I realize we cannot really judge people when we don’t know the circumstances of their lives.  After she finished and walked off the stage, Bill Gaither came up with a man and said he wanted her to sing a song and he had an accompanist for her who needed a job.  It was Michael W. Smith.  She told how he had written the chorus to “Thy Word is a Lamp Unto My Feet” and wanted her to write the verses.  Their families were vacationing somewhere together and she and her sister headed for a cabin that was out in the woods.  It was dark and she has night blindness.  She kept walking into trees.  By the time she reached the cabin she had the words for the verses.  Then they sang it for us.  It was so moving.  God is so good and He does restore what we lose whether we mess up or someone takes it from us or a combination of both.  His Word really does light our way.”

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet
And a light unto my path.
Thy word is a lamp unto my feet
And a light unto my path.

When I feel afraid,
And think I've lost my way.
Still, You're there right beside me.
Nothing will I fear
As long as You are near;
Please be near me to the end.

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet
And a light unto my path.
Thy word is a lamp unto my feet
And a light unto my path.

I will not forget
Your love for me and yet,
My heart forever is wandering.
Jesus be my guide,
And hold me to Your side,
And I will love you to the end.

Nothing will I fear
As long as You are near;
Please be near me to the end.

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet
And a light unto my path.
Thy word is a lamp unto my feet
And a light unto my path.
And a light unto my path.
You're the light unto my path.

Ken Davis: If you don’t know who he is look him up on the internet. He brought joy into my life which is something I really needed at this time.  He’s a Christian humorist who makes you laugh while encouraging you in your Christian walk.  There are too many dour people walking around who profess to be Christians.  When God created us He gave us a sense of humor.  I think that means He wants us to laugh and smile through this journey.  It certainly makes it a lot easier.

Amy Grant:  I was married to a very judgmental person.  I had some of that in me when I married and I learned to agree with him too often.  If you don’t know about Amy’s past I’m not going to talk about it here.  Look it up.  Just know that I did have a judgmental opinion of her.  I’m so thankful that God allowed me to hear her story this night.  I needed this in my life.  It reminded me that I never know the entire story.  I never know what others may be going through that lead to decisions I don’t understand.  But you know what?  It’s not up to me to understand.  It’s between that person and God.  His opinion is the only one that counts. 

“Thy Word is a Lamp Unto My Feet”.  This doesn’t mean that if someone I care about is walking a dangerous path I shouldn’t speak up and share God’s word with them.  It is the light that guides us on this path called life.  Just as His word is the Light that guides those of us who love Him, we’re called to be light in a dark world. 

Speaking of being a light, I am not a true light.  I’m a reflection of THE true light.  I was looking at the moon last night and reflecting (pun intended) on the fact that it doesn’t have its own source of light.  Without the sun it would be a dark orb hanging in space doing nothing.  The same is true of me.  Without THE SON I would be a dark blob taking up space in this world, doing nothing of lasting value.  But because God’s Word fulfilled in Jesus Christ is a lamp in my life and because He shines a light on the path I must take to be a child of God, He can make a difference through me.  Isn’t it amazing that this glorious holy Creator of the universe chooses to allow me to have a part in His eternal work by reflecting His Light!   

Father,

I don’t understand why You chose to allow me to be a reflection of Your Son.

Forgive me for the times I am a poor reflection of who He is.

Create in me a desire to live a life that reflects Jesus Christ in all I say and do.

Thank You for being the Light that guides my way as I seek to live that life.

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen

Expections

Yesterday I wrote about my first trip to Praise Gathering.  Today I was going to type in the entire e-mail I wrote to Cheri when I got home but as I typed I noticed so many lessons from what I experienced that I decided to focus on excerpts from it.  Here’s the first part.

 “Hi Cheri,
My time at Praise Gathering was wonderful.  So many times we look forward to things with so much anticipation that there is no way the actual event can live up to our expectations.  However, Praise Gathering more than exceeded mine.  The music, speakers, and people I was with were great.  I laughed, cried, fellowshipped, and, mostly worshipped.”

My first thought when I typed the words about Praise Gathering exceeding my expectations was about heaven.  The older I get the more I think about it.  There are so many people who I long to see again; family and friends who have left this world for a much better place.  I remember what God’s word says:

Entering God’s presence is one event that will totally exceed my expectations.  I will say Praise Gathering with the music, speakers, fellowship, laughter, and worship was for me a tiny sweet taste of what it must be like.  As sweet as it was it could not in any way measure up to the joy of being in the presence of God, to sit at the feet of Jesus, to fellowship with other believers in one accord.  I can’t wait for that day.

I have arthritis and fibromyalgia and my pain and fatigue are increasing over time.  At this point in my life I can’t remember what it was to not feel some kind of pain.  I’ve suffered many losses that have caused such sorrow and crying.  But guess what!  Scripture also tells us that:

What a glorious day that will be!  God Himself will wipe away my tears.  My pain will be gone.  Everything will be new.  Wow!

I was able to attend Praise Gathering for 3 years before they ended it.  I can’t remember what year it was but one of the highlights was attending a session by Bart Millard of Mercy Me.  He sang some songs from a solo album of hymns he had just recorded for his mom and that was amazing.  However, near the end of the session he asked for questions and someone requested that he sing I Can Only Imagine.  What a privilege to hear this beautiful voice sing this touching song in a cozy setting.  I can only imagine:

Father,

Thank You for the gift of Your presence on this earth.

I can only imagine what it will be like to stand in Your presence in heaven one day.

Remind me daily that it is because of the sacrifice of Your Son that I have this privilege.

In Jesus’ Precious Name,

Amen

Simple Gifts

Journal entry:

October 9, 2003

“Got ready to go to Praise Gathering.  Wonderful ride with Hilda-we talked and talked.  The evening session was great.  It was good to see Pat and Bill.  Rebecca, Spencer, and Carter got there as we were headed to the concert.  They called Pat later as it was beginning-Carter had a 103 degree fever so they needed my car to take him to the hospital.”

This is a short concise recount of this day.  There was so much more to it than what I wrote.  I didn’t write any more in my journal until the 13^th.  I was having too great a time.  Thankfully, I sent an e-mail to Cheri about some of my experiences that I will share later.  

Let me say first of all that after a trip to the hospital and some medicine and love from his momma and Nana, Carter, who was a baby at the time, was fine.

This trip started off in the best way possible.  Hilda and Bob are the friends I went to Southeast Christian Church with after my marriage ended.  They were friends of my sister and brother-in-law and I knew them before but they became family to me during this time.  They loved me, made me laugh, and welcomed me into their lives like a long lost friend.  There are really no words to describe how wonderful these two people are.  I love them dearly.

That Thursday morning I loaded up my car and drove the few miles to their house.  Hilda’s sister Evelyn and brother-in-law Ken were going with us.  Along with Pat’s family they had been going to Praise Gathering for over twenty years.  This was my first time and I was so excited.  Gaither videos and CDs were playing a major part in my healing and recovery.  Now I was actually going to experience their music live and in person.  What a blessing!

I was welcomed with warmth and smiles when I arrived at Hilda and Bob’s house.  What happened next provided a moment that has yet to be forgotten and has caused many a laugh when we’re together.  I had to go to the restroom.  No toilet paper on the roll.  I had to search the bathroom to find it.  When I came out I teased Bob about not providing the necessities for his guests.  I don’t remember the words he used to respond but it was to tease me right back.  This really is a simple thing to most but for me it was special.  I love that fact that I felt free to tease and joke with him.  And he didn’t get upset or angry, he laughed and joked with me.  Only someone who has been where I had can understand the significance of this.  To this day all any of us has to do is mention toilet paper to bring a smile and a laugh.  It’s amazing how something so seemingly simple can mean so much.

Ken and Evelyn arrived and we loaded up the luggage for the trip north to Indy.  Bob rode with them and Hilda rode with me.  This was one of the best trips of my life.  Hilda is one of the kindest sweetest people I’ve ever known and her laugh is infectious.  In fact, we laughed most of the way there.  We were on 75 in Indiana when Hilda saw a sign that said:

And she said:  

“Did you see what that sign said?  It said ‘rear end parts for sale’!  Do you think we should stop and see what they’re selling?”  

We both started laughing so hard I was afraid I was going to wreck.  I don’t remember what was said after that but I do recall the laughter as we rode along.  I hadn’t laughed that much in a long time.  It was a silly moment that still causes laughter these 13 years later.  In fact, last November Hilda sent me this message on Facebook:

“Just passed the sign rear end parts for sale. Bob and I laughed a big one thinking about you driving to Praise Gathering.  You were driving and we laughed so hard I thought we needed to pull over. Bob was ahead with Ken/Evelyn and he saw how we were laughing. Fun remembering.”

These two events, the toilet paper and the sign, were tiny slices of life that made a major impact on me.  I hadn’t always felt free to laugh and to enjoy life.  There was too much fear.  But God was making a change in my life that is reflected in His word:

Over the past years God has restored my dignity and given me the strength to live victoriously.  Best of all I laugh abundantly without fear of what might be done or said.  It’s a freedom I lost for many years.

Never discount or overlook the simple pleasures in life.  They are sweet gifts from a Father who loves to dote on His child.  These are the moments that bring a glimmer to sad eyes and smile to a hurting heart.  And as wonderful as it is to be on the receiving end of these gifts, it’s so much more satisfying and blessed to be the one God asks to deliver His gift.  As you go through your day seek out ways to spread a little Sonshine on a weary world.  You will be amazed at the impact it has on and in your life.

Father,

Thank You for the small moments of joy that add up in my life.

Help me to be one who spreads Your Sonshine as I go about my day.

In Jesus’ Precious Name,

Amen 

Life

Journal Entries:

October 6, 2003

“E-mail from Monnie.  Neither my ex or his friend were at church and she left resignation on Terry’s desk. (She was the church secretary).  I still don’t understand and it does hurt even though I don’t want it to.  Busy day today.  Besides work all kinds of issues with co-workers families.  A baby had surgery, a brother died, one husband in hospital, another has heart problems, and a son broke his leg.  What a day!  ‘I love You, Lord!’”

October 7, 2003

“Work okay.  Results of mammogram-density in both-another test needed.  Another ‘thing’ in my life.  Met with Cheri.  Good session.  Talked about ex and his friend and my test results.  I am so thankful to have this opportunity.  ‘Thank You, Lord.  I love You!’”

October 8, 2003

“Work okay.  Home and started getting ready for trip to Praise Gathering.  Monnie called.  My ex’s friend resigned and some attacked Terry, but most supported him.  I am so tired of this and looking forward to time away.  ‘Thank You Lord for loving me.  I love You!’”

Life.  When I read over these entries that’s what I see.  Life lived: the good and the bad, the difficult and the easy, the sweet and the sour.  Everyone has hard times.  No one is immune.  From the moment we are born we enter a world of sin and sorrow.  The question becomes, how do we cope with all of this pain?  I’m so thankful that I know the answer.

Jesus never promised that life would be easy for those who follow Him.  In fact He promised just the opposite.  He said that we would be persecuted for our faith.  We will have trouble.  Those who think God is some kind of talisman against suffering don’t understand what it really means to follow Him.  It’s not an easy path.

Sin is a part of this fallen world.  It touches every life.  We either sin or someone sins against us.   The consequences for sin impact every life.  When I sin I reap what I sow.  Unfortunately too often someone else also reaps the fruit of my sin.  This is why it was necessary for someone to save me.  I cannot do it myself. 

People today are searching for someone or something to save them.  In the news, on social media, in daily interaction with people I see a desperation in hearts and souls.  This world seems to believe there are so many answers but none of them work.  People are still lost and dying.  There really is only one way.  His name is Jesus.

When I began this day’s entry I really had no idea where to go with it.  There was a lot to choose from.  However, as I read over the entries again and started typing the words just seemed to flow.  These are not my words.  They are what’s in my heart placed there by a God who loves us and wants to have an intimate relationship with those He created. 

My testimony is of one who has been saved by the blood of Jesus and healed by His stripes.

Without the presence of God in my life I would be lost.  I would have no hope and no future.  With Him I have the assurance of His presence with me as I live out my life on this earth.  With Him I have the assurance of an eternity spent in His presence.  Jesus said:

Everything else mentioned in today’s entries is temporary.  The pleasures and sorrows of this world will fade away when we enter His presence.  If we know His Son.

Father,

Thank You for Jesus!

Thank You that the difficulties C S Lewis spoke about are temporary.

Thank You that the peace he mentioned is eternal.

In His Name,

Amen

Faith

One of the things that really helped me during my weeks of counseling with Cheri was e-mail.  I had discovered that I could best express myself in and through the written word.  In the days between sessions I would often write e-mails and send them to her.  It was through these that she often discovered issues that I needed to face.  She could always pick up on the underlying problem or feeling that I needed to deal with so that I could heal.  Today I’m going to share excerpts from the first e-mail I sent her.  It was written on October 5, the last journal entry I made on last week’s blog.

Before I start let me just say that when I share these e-mails it will be the first time I’ve shared much of what I wrote with anyone but Cheri.  These words are coming from a soul with bleeding wounds that had festered for many years.  I’ll be honest with you.  If it was just up to me I’m not sure I’d do this but God is moving in me to share my deepest hurts.  I know that He doesn’t waste a thing we go through in this world so I’m praying that just one person will benefit from reading this.  I leave the message and the results up to Him.

“I just want to let you know how I am feeling right now.  I found out some things yesterday that have made me sad and angry.  I will tell you more when I see you ‘cause I have to explain some of it to you.  Anyway, I have cried and yelled at God.  I’m not angry with Him, just with people and the situation and I know He knows it so I can yell.  I realized tonight that I know this is going to be painful but I want to feel the pain and the anger and everything else, so I can experience it, deal with it, and get on with my life.  I am so tired of this!  I don’t even know why I am crying sometimes, I just start crying.
I almost feel like I’ve been, not in denial, because I know what happened, but maybe hoping God would work a miracle and restore my family and make it what it never was.  I know now that’s not going to happen, and I really don’t want it to, but I'm so sad.  It’s like I’ve been in shock and even though I’ve felt pain what I’m feeling now is different, more intense.  I really don’t know how to explain it.
It’s like there’s this poison in me that I have to get out.  I hope all this makes sense to you.  I’m new at expressing my innermost feelings.  I’ve never been allowed to do this before.  Actually, I have never been able to express my opinions, feelings, or anything else.  It’s kind of scary.  I still feel like people I care about won’t love or like me if I let them know me.  I am becoming more comfortable with opening up with you and revealing me.  It’s scary but I want to do it.  I don’t believe you will abandon me.  I have felt abandoned by so many people in my life.  I thought I had friends at our church but it’s like I don’t matter and they are accepting him and his girlfriend like everything is okay.  That’s a major hurt!Well, right now I am exhausted from the day, the emotions, and everything else.  I’m also about to cry again.  And again, I will be okay.  I did laugh yesterday and today.”

The words in red express feelings.  Feelings that reflect the state of my heart, not my soul.  My soul was and is safe with Jesus.  My heart was bleeding.  I use as my testimony the women with the issue of blood because I was her.  It wasn’t literal blood that flowed from my body but it was my lifeblood that was seeping out through the wounds I had received.  I will share later how Cheri helped me discover the original source of that bleeding but for now just know that I began bleeding one day and the flow increased over the years. 

The words in green are facts.  For most of my adult life I wasn’t able to reveal me.  I just knew that if I did I would be abandoned.  Turns out I was abandoned anyway.  It was a new experience to feel so comfortable with Cheri.  It was freeing.  Never once did she tell me or make me think I shouldn’t “feel” this or “believe” that.  Her responses affirmed me as a person who matters.  This was a big deal.

The words in blue are hopeful.  I realize I didn’t like this person very much.  Then I read these words I see her in a different light.  Even in the midst of this terrible pain she was able to find a rainbow, a promise that things would get better.  Even these 13 years later reading this helps me like her not only then but now more than I would have thought possible.  It’s a good feeling to like yourself when you felt unlovable and unlikeable for so many years.

The words in purple reflect my faith.  I knew I could yell at God and He’d listen to me.  He’d take care of me.  I take no credit for the faith that is reflected in this belief.  I don’t know why He did but God gave me more than an extra measure of faith when He formed me in my mother’s womb.  I really have just always known He’ll take care of me.  I really have never doubted, even in the worst of times.  I say I don’t know why but I guess I do.

God is the one who created me.  He knew before I was in that womb what my days on this earth would bring.  He gives to each of His children just what we need to live our lives as they unfold each day.  I don’t understand this but I know it’s true.  I’ve seen it in my life and the lives of so many others who choose to believe His message of hope and love sent in His Son Jesus Christ.  My faith has carried me through the darkest of days and nights.  I still cling to it today when I face loneliness, rejection, sadness, or pain of any kind.  He has never failed me and His word promises that He never will.

I said at the beginning that God led me to share this.  My prayer is that someone who needs to know it’s okay to hurt, it’s okay to tell Him how you feel even if it’s anger, it’s okay to be honest about the pain you’re experiencing will see that through my experiences.  If you seek His help He will provide someone to listen like He did for me with Cheri.  You are not alone.  If you don’t have a relationship with Jesus please open your heart, mind, and soul to Him.  He really does love you and He’s just waiting for you to invite Him in.

Father,

What an awesome God You are!

You give us exactly what we need before we are formed in the womb.

You gave us the promise of life eternal through Your Son.

All we have to do is call on His name.

Open eyes, hearts, and souls to this precious gift.

In the name of our Savior Jesus Christ!

Amen.

Joy and Pain mean I'm Alive

Journal entries:

October 4, 2003

“Good day-Tanya and Roger were here for chili.  We talked.  Monnie, Terry, and kids came, and Tim later.  Good time with all of them.  After they left sadness set in.  I cried.  I just feel so sad right now.  And angry too.  I know he is with someone else and that hurts.  I don’t want to go back to what was.  It’s the betrayal I think.  I am so tired of this-I am so tired of this-I want to go on.  ‘Please Lord, heal me! I love You!’”

October 5, 2003

“Good Lord’s day even though I am sad.  I shared with my SS class and asked for prayer.  They are all so sweet!  Worship and choir was uplifting and I got a hug from Cheri.  Home, ate and rested.  Talked to Tanya.  Back to choir-enjoyed it-my new friend I sit by is so sweet.  Sat with ladies during worship.  Home cried, watched TV.  Talked to Tim.  God is so good.  He knows how I am hurting-He loves me and ‘I love You, Lord!’”

I’m going to start with the words in red.  I just remember this underlying sadness that ebbed and flowed through my life.  I enjoyed the good things that happened every day but the tears hovered just below the surface ready to trickle down my cheeks at any moment.  Whenever I wrote “cried” the tears gushed out with a force that exhausted me. 

Then there was the anger.  I never knew when it was going to surge up inside of me.  I can remember crying out to God in my anger.  Never once did I blame Him.  I did ask Him why but it was “why did he (ex) do this to me?”  not “why did You do this to me?”.  It was good to know I could express what I was thinking and/or feeling without fear.  It had been years since I could do that.

When I read the words in blue I remember the people God brought into my life at this time.  My kids, family, and Terry and Monnie were always there for me.  It’s the new people who showed me love and acceptance that astounds me.  The ladies in my SS class took me in like a long lost friend.  I immediately felt like part of their group.  Believe me that is not always true, even in church.  It should be but I’ve experienced just the opposite where I felt like a stranger when I walked in and when I walked out.  This was not true with these ladies.  The moment I walked in the door I was loved and accepted.

Choir was the same.  Music is so therapeutic for me and singing for and to the Lord with these people was exactly what I needed.  The young girl I sat next to was a joy to get to know.  We laughed and shared our stories with each other.  I could forget the pain for a few moments of pure joy.

I am a hugger so the cherry on top of this day of fellowship and worship was the “hug from Cheri”.   

“God is so good.  He knows how I am hurting-He loves me…”  You notice I didn’t say that God knew I was hurting and He took away the pain.  There was still plenty of pain in my life and in my future.  Pain is necessary for healing to occur.  I’ve had several joint replacement surgeries in the past few years and I’ve learned that before the surgery without the pain I wouldn’t have known there was a problem.  Without the pain of physical therapy after the surgery I wouldn’t have healed.  Pain is a part of life, it’s how we deal with it that counts.  What I’m grateful for is that in the midst of that pain God placed joy, love, friendship, fellowship, grace, and mercy in the people and events He allowed into my life.  Just like physical therapy helped my joints heal, this was the therapy I needed to heal spiritually and emotionally.  In His love God gave me exactly what I needed at exactly the right time.  He answered my prayer to “Please Lord, heal me!”  He was birthing me into a new life that He had prepared just for me.

If anyone who is reading this is going through a painful time right now please don’t try to mask the pain.  Do reach out to God and to those He brings into your life.  He will bring someone into your life but you have to be open to and accept that help.  If you don’t know Him find someone who does and they will be glad to tell you about this man called Jesus who died for you and me and who lives again in the presence of His Father.  His love, grace, and mercy know no bounds but we have to accept it.  He doesn’t force it on anyone but it is freely and lavishly given to all who ask.  And in the receiving you will find joy.

Father,

Words cannot express the gratitude and joy I find in being Your child.

I pray for those who don’t know You,

that they will open their lives to Your mercy, grace, and love.

I pray that they will see You in the lives of Your children.

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen.

Do I listen or just hear?

Journal Entries

October 3, 2003

“Left work early to be at home when Cheri came for counseling session.  This is going to be so good for me.  We talked about my childhood and I told her about Toshi and how she died.  That still hurts deeply.  I feel like I betrayed her.  Cheri said she got some ideas on how we should go.  I talked a lot about my parents and our relationship.  God is working!  ‘I love You, Lord!’”

Counseling has started.  The first session felt like I was talking to an old friend with whom I could share anything.  It had been a long time since I’d felt like that.  I spent so many years hiding myself, my feelings and what was happening in my life from others that this was freeing.  Cheri was so easy to talk to and she listened!  I rarely felt like anyone was really hearing me or cared to hear what I had to say.  This was an overwhelming to me.  I shared some things with her that I’d never told a soul. 

Toshi was my dog who had been with me since I was 10 years old.  She was my first baby.  I’m not going into detail about how she died but I will say I still struggle with forgiveness for myself and for my ex over it.  I just say that I wish I had stood up to him more in a lot of situations and this was one of them.  I don’t think about it as often as I used to but when I do I have to forgive all over again.  I’m so thankful God doesn’t do that with me.  His words tells me that:

He also says that I’m:

What sweet assurance this is!

I realize now that Cheri went back to my childhood because that’s when some of my insecurities began.  I am not blaming my parents.  I was raised in a Christian home by parents who loved me and who did the best they could. However, all experience things that affect us positively and negatively over time.  This is called living life.  I needed to explore the good and the bad to be able to understand the decisions I made in my life.  To do this it was necessary to begin in the beginning, to face and forgive others as well as myself for any perceived wrongs that were impacting my life in a negative or harmful way.  I say perceived because one thing I learned from counseling is that I too often misinterpret what others say or do.  Cheri will help me discover one time this happened that was at the root of many of my issues.  Stay tuned for that.

One of the things that was special about Cheri was that while listening to me she picked up on issues I didn’t even know I had that gave her “some ideas on how we should go.”  She would listen to me, ask questions, and then help me to reach a conclusion instead of telling me what she thought I should think or do.  Our sessions always begin with prayer and always included scriptures that were applicable to my situation.  That’s why I could say after just the first session that “God is working!” 

The key word in this posting is “listening”.  I think listening is a lost art these days for many reasons.  I know too often I find myself not really listening to others.  I’m thinking about what I want to say, or what I need to do, or umpteen other things.  I can also tell when others aren’t really listening to me.   I’m trying to work on that but it’s too easy to slide back into the “it’s all about me” way of thinking.  That’s another wonderful thing about God”

“He hears us.”  Do notice, however, there is a condition.  What we ask must be according to His will.  What we must remember is that He is our loving Father who only wants what is best for us so when we seek His will we seek our best.  Anything else is not worth having or doing.

Father,

Thank You for hearing what I say.

Thank You for people who truly listen.

Teach me to be a better listener.

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen