Journal entries:
October 4, 2003
“Good day-Tanya and Roger were here for chili. We talked. Monnie, Terry, and kids came, and Tim later. Good time with all of them. After they left sadness set in. I cried. I just feel so sad right now. And angry too. I know he is with someone else and that hurts. I don’t want to go back to what was. It’s the betrayal I think. I am so tired of this-I am so tired of this-I want to go on. ‘Please Lord, heal me! I love You!’”
October 5, 2003
“Good Lord’s day even though I am sad. I shared with my SS class and asked for prayer. They are all so sweet! Worship and choir was uplifting and I got a hug from Cheri. Home, ate and rested. Talked to Tanya. Back to choir-enjoyed it-my new friend I sit by is so sweet. Sat with ladies during worship. Home cried, watched TV. Talked to Tim. God is so good. He knows how I am hurting-He loves me and ‘I love You, Lord!’”
I’m going to
start with the words in red. I just
remember this underlying sadness that ebbed and flowed through my life. I enjoyed the good things that happened every
day but the tears hovered just below the surface ready to trickle down my
cheeks at any moment. Whenever I wrote “cried” the
tears gushed out with a force that exhausted me.
Then there was
the anger. I never knew when it was going to surge up
inside of me. I can remember crying out
to God in my anger. Never once did I blame
Him. I did ask Him why but it was “why
did he (ex) do this to me?” not “why did
You do this to me?”. It was good to know
I could express what I was thinking and/or feeling without fear. It had been years since I could do that.
When I read the
words in blue
I remember the people God brought into my life at this time. My kids, family, and Terry and Monnie were
always there for me. It’s the new people
who showed me love and acceptance that astounds me. The ladies in my SS class
took me in like a long lost friend.
I immediately felt like part of their group. Believe me that is not always true, even in
church. It should be but I’ve
experienced just the opposite where I felt like a stranger when I walked in and
when I walked out. This was not true
with these ladies. The moment I walked
in the door I was loved and accepted.
Choir was
the same. Music is so therapeutic for me
and singing for and to the Lord with these people was exactly what I needed. The young girl I sat next to was a joy to get
to know. We laughed and shared our
stories with each other. I could forget
the pain for a few moments of pure joy.
I am a hugger
so the cherry on top of this day of fellowship and worship was the “hug from Cheri”.
“God is so
good. He knows how I am hurting-He loves
me…” You notice I didn’t say
that God knew I was hurting and He took away the pain. There was still plenty of pain in my life and
in my future. Pain is necessary for
healing to occur. I’ve had several joint
replacement surgeries in the past few years and I’ve learned that before the
surgery without the pain I wouldn’t have known there was a problem. Without the pain of physical therapy after the
surgery I wouldn’t have healed. Pain is
a part of life, it’s how we deal with it that counts. What I’m grateful for is that in the midst of
that pain God placed joy, love, friendship, fellowship, grace, and mercy in the
people and events He allowed into my life.
Just like physical therapy helped my joints heal, this was the therapy I
needed to heal spiritually and emotionally.
In His love God gave me exactly what I needed at exactly the right
time. He answered my prayer to “Please Lord,
heal me!” He was birthing me
into a new life that He had prepared just for me.
If anyone who
is reading this is going through a painful time right now please don’t try to
mask the pain. Do reach out to God and
to those He brings into your life. He
will bring someone into your life but you have to be open to and accept that
help. If you don’t know Him find someone
who does and they will be glad to tell you about this man called Jesus who died
for you and me and who lives again in the presence of His Father. His love, grace, and mercy know no bounds but
we have to accept it. He doesn’t force
it on anyone but it is freely and lavishly given to all who ask. And in the receiving you will find joy.
Father,
Words cannot express
the gratitude and joy I find in being Your child.
I pray for those who
don’t know You,
that they will open
their lives to Your mercy, grace, and love.
I pray that they will
see You in the lives of Your children.
In Jesus’ Name,
Amen.
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