Holy Spirit Led Life

Journal Entry:

July 6, 2003

“Church-felt uncomfortable in Bible Study for some reason.  I had a good talk with one of my friends but then felt so alone.  I had something in my eye so left class.  Sat and watched people which was good and bad.  Enjoyed it but seeing married couples hurt some.  Sat with my friends in church and then we went out to eat.  They are so good to me and make me laugh.  Stopped at Meijer-raining when I came out-I got soaked but it felt good.  Home-quiet afternoon.  Talked to Tim and Tanya-she got photo albums from the house.  Spent time with God.  I feel so lonely.  He is teaching me to depend on Him more and more. ‘Father, thank You for Your presence and for friends and family who care.’”

I remember this day very well.  I was still learning then, and sometimes have to be reminded today, to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit’s leading in my life.  “…felt uncomfortable in Bible Study for some reason.”  I cannot tell you how many times I’ve sensed an uneasiness or an assurance that proved true later. 

I’m going to go back to 1971 before I was married.  While in college I met, became friends with, and then started dating my future husband.  I was 19 years old when we met and very naïve.  I wanted to be married.  I wanted to be loved.  That’s just all there is to it.  I believed him when he said he loved me.  However, when he asked me to marry him I remember saying, “I need to think about it”.   His response was, “Do you really need to think about it?”  Hmmmm!  Years later when he blamed me and his parents for our getting married I thought of this statement.  (Still haven’t figured that out but okay.)  Wouldn’t this have been a wonderful opportunity for him to say "just forget it then"? 

Looking back I now believe it was the Holy Spirit warning me that I was making a mistake.  Instead of listening to His voice I allowed my then boyfriend to talk me into marrying him. 

Let me interject in here that although my marriage was not good, in fact most it was very painful, God’s blessings did not cease because of that decision.  The three greatest blessings He’s ever given me are Hal, Tim, and Tanya followed by my grandchildren.  I would do it all again to have them in my life.  There are so many more blessings God gave during those 32 years: friendships, opportunities, activities, answered prayers, miracles unnumbered, and so much more than I can name here.  Then to top it all off, He eventually delivered me in His perfect timing. 

This tells me that when one of His children veers onto the wrong path He knows it’s going to happen and He works in each life changing us to draw us back to the path He has laid out for each child.  It simply takes different methods and varied time periods for us to return.  Our usefulness to His kingdom work doesn’t cease even when we take the wrong path for a time as long as we’re willing to be used by Him.  I’ve come to realize He uses the things we learn in the hard times to minister to our sisters and brothers and to a dying world.

 Back to being sensitive to the Spirit’s leading.  God never led me to be unfaithful or to end my marriage in all the years I was with him.  I made my vows “till death do us part” and I meant them.  I was far from perfect in my marriage and I take my share of the blame but I did keep my vows.  In fact, I know it was His leading that led me to seek to be a better wife in the months leading up to our separation. 

I do know that in the last thirteen years the Holy Spirit has allowed me to become more sensitive to His leading and I am so grateful for that.  I’ve learned to listen (most of the time) and never been disappointed.  The only things I’ve done to aid in this is spend time with God through prayer, scripture, worship, and fellowship with other believers.  If anyone does this God will honor it with His presence and His guidance.

Just a short note on the blue statement.  “Stopped at Meijer-raining when I came out-I got soaked but it felt good.”  This statement makes me happy because I later discovered through counseling how totally shut down to my feelings I had become over the years.  The fact that I felt led to record feeling good about something as simple as rain shows how rare it was at that time.  Just to “feel” and to express those feelings was wonderful.  I give all the praise and glory to my Heavenly Father who loves me so!

Father,

Thank You for the gift of Your Spirit.

His presence enables me to grow more like Jesus every day.

Increase my sensitivity to His working in my life.

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen

Laughter

Journal Entries:

July 3, 2003

“Long day at work.  We had a meal and we laughed-that was good.  Came home and just collapsed-I am worn out.  ‘God, thank You for the gift of laughter.’”

July 4, 2003

“What a good day!  Tanya came by early and used my computer to print a picture.  I met a friend from Bible Study and we went to Indiana and shopped.  We ate at Southside Inn.  Then home and rested, cleaned, worked on pictures.  Just a good day.  ‘Thank You, Father’”

July 5, 2003

“Spent the day at home alone.  Sorted and framed pictures and organized office closet.  Talked to Tim, Pat, and Hal.  ‘Father, please be with me today-or should I say, let me be aware of Your presence ‘cause You are always with me!’”

Simple days filled with simple happenings.  Even my prayers were simple and to the point.   “Came home and just collapsed-I am worn out” about being tired and which is not really such a bad thing is it?  It was the end of a week of emotional happenings and the start of a long holiday weekend.  I don’t know about you but I know that my tendency is to keep going until I know I can relax and just give in to the emotional and physical exhaustion. 

One of the reasons I was exhausted was from the day at work.  I remember this day.  I worked with a great group of women and we loved to laugh when we could.   “We laughed…”  “…gift of laughter.”  We laughed more than usual that day.  Laughter is healing and it can exhaust you.  When you’re already running on fumes it can deplete all your energy in a good way.  That’s what happened this day.  I know that in the days to come there will be a multitude of tears and a heart full of laughter creating times of sheer exhaustion.  I’m grateful for all of this because every tear and every laugh contributed to the healing God was doing in my life.

Then there’s the one green statement found in one of my simple prayers: “let me be aware of Your presence ‘cause You are always with me!’” I realize that I don’t have to ask God to be with me.  He’s promised to always be where I am.  Jesus promised to dwell in me through the presence of the Holy Spirit.  I’m never alone.  I’m never forsaken.  God doesn’t leave me.  I’m the one who forgets He’s there and neglect to draw on the strength and power of His presence.  Jesus spoke about this to His disciples in John 14:20:

Father,

As I read back over my journal I’m so thankful for all the way You touch my life.

Through tears and laughter, family and friends, and work and rest.

Mostly I’m thankful for Your presence in my life as promised in Your word and by Your Son.

What an awesome God You are!

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen

Peaceful Past, Purposeful Present, Hopeful Future

Journal entries

June 30, 2003

“What a day.  I am now divorced-I don’t want to be but it is a fact of life.  God truly was with me thanks to the prayers of His people.  H. looked bad I thought-looks hard and old.  I am trying to pray for him.  I will get the money in about a month.  Stopped at Meijer’s and got flowers, ice cream, veggies, and fruit.  Talked to Tim, Tanya, Pat, and two friends called me.  I really feel good now.  I think I have survived the worst.  I know I have more to do but God is leading.  Praise God!  ‘Father, thank You for Your presence in my life.’”

July 1, 2003

“Work was okay.  I had some sad times today but I’m doing better.  I felt like the apartment was ‘home’ for the first time today.  I’m enjoying my evenings with the Lord.  I spend time reading His word and talking to Him just as I would my husband.  And He listens!  He cares!  ‘Thank You for being my Husband.  Help me to dwell in Your presence.’”

July 2, 2003

“Work was good.  I accomplished all I had to do today.  Bible study was good.  They are such sweet ladies.  They seem to be fairly new at this but they are genuinely searching.  I’m learning by just listening.  I believe God is teaching me to listen better.  I cried some tonight but not as much.  The pain is easing or at least not lasting as long.  ‘Father, thank You for Your presence as I go through this valley.’”

Words in red.  I have to laugh when I read them.  “I really feel good now.  I think I have survived the worst.”  “I had some sad times today but I’m doing better.”  “I cried some tonight but not as much.  The pain is easing or at least not lasting as long.”  I guess it’s true that what you don’t know won’t hurt you.  At least it was in this case because the worst was yet to come.  I think it was similar to being in shock after an injury.  What I always had thought was the worst thing that could happen in my life had happened and I survived!  But guess what?  There would be much worse times ahead.  Moments when I really just wanted to give up so it would stop hurting.  Days when I didn’t think I could take another step.  Painful sad lonely days.  I look back now and realize it was a good thing that I didn’t know what the future held.  The worst was yet to come.

Words in green.  “I know I have more to do but God is leading.  Praise God!”  “I felt like the apartment was ‘home’ for the first time today.  I’m enjoying my evenings with the Lord.  I spend time reading His word and talking to Him just as I would my husband.  And He listens!  He cares!”  “Bible study was good.  They are such sweet ladies.  They seem to be fairly new at this but they are genuinely searching.  I’m learning by just listening.  I believe God is teaching me to listen better.”  Sweet times given to a wounded daughter by a loving Father.  Knowing God was leading me.  Feeling at home in the place He had provided for me while spending time with Him.  Fellowship with other women who were seeking God from different vantage points and life circumstances. Thankfully there Have been and will be many more good times in my life.  The best is yet to come.

Words in blue.  “Father, thank You for Your presence in my life.”  “Thank You for being my Husband.  Help me to dwell in Your presence.”  “Father, thank You for Your presence as I go through this valley.”  Notice a theme running through these words lifted to God.  “Your presence.”  It makes my heart sing to see that even then I had an awareness of my need for to God to be with me as I live out each day.  There’s a Gaither song “Sweeter As the Days Go By” that perfectly expresses what His love and presence means to me:

The more I trust Him, the more I love Him

Nothing good for me He'll deny
The longer I know Him, the better I can show Him
I couldn't stop now if I tried

It gets sweeter as the days go by
It gets sweeter as the moments fly
His love is richer, deeper, fuller, sweeter
Sweeter, sweeter, sweeter as the days go by

Oh, the moment He saved my His good grace He gave me
He place His love down deep in my heart
There's great joy in knowing with Him I am going
And never more from Him to depart

It gets sweeter as the days go by
It gets sweeter as the moments fly
His love is richer, deeper, fuller, sweeter
Sweeter, sweeter, sweeter as the days go by

It gets sweeter as the days go by
It gets sweeter as the moments fly
His love is richer, deeper, fuller, sweeter
Sweeter, sweeter, sweeter as the days go by

Sweeter, sweeter, sweeter as the days go by

Father,

Thank You that Your love truly does grow sweeter each moment that I spend in Your presence.

I honestly don’t know where I’d be today without You.

Thank You for bringing peace to my past, purpose to my present, and hope to my future!

I love You so!

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen

From Empty to Overflowing

Journal entries:

June 28, 2003

“Spent most of day shopping for an outfit and found nothing.  I felt down again.  I realized Saturdays are tough ‘cause we usually spent the day together.  ‘How could he, Father?  It hurts-please take this terrible pain.  Thank You.  Help me to dwell on You and Your word.’”

June 29, 2003

“Took a mini-retreat for myself.  Stayed home and spent time in God’s word and w/music & just listening to Him.  I needed this-it was wonderful.  Tomorrow I go to court and I know it will be hard but I have many people praying for me.  ‘Father, help me to look at You and not at my circumstances.’”

The weekend before court.  When I read these entries as usual I see God’s love and provision for me during this time.  First of all, and this may seem like an odd thing to say, He allowed me to feel the pain.  If you don’t feel pain you don’t know you need to heal.  I sure knew I needed to be healed and I’m thankful I know the ultimate Healer.  My prayer indicates that knowledge when I asked Him to take the pain away.  And He did.  Not right then because I had a journey to complete before the terrible pain was gone.  It has taken years but the intensity of the pain has diminished and the comfort of His presence has increased immensely.

Secondly, there are still days when the pain comes backs a little.  Those days I think about what could have been and wonder why my marriage had to be the way it was.  On those days I again cry out to God and He again reminds me of His forgiveness, love, mercy, and grace.  He reminds me of where I am today and of the understanding and empathy I have for others because of what I’ve experienced.  I also realize that my relationship with Him would not be as deeply intimate if I hadn’t walked this path of rejection, restoration, and revitalization.  He really is my All in all.  I agree what this says:

Sunday.  It’s amazing how well I remember this day over thirteen years later.  My cup was empty and I knew I needed time alone with my Father.  I read scripture and found promises of God’s presence and provision.  I watched Gaither videos and soaked in the words, music, tears, and laughter they provided.  I nestled in the refuge that God had provided to me.  It was my haven of rest.  That day with my Abba filled my cup to overflowing so that I could weather the emotional storm that was about to make landfall. 

The hope, joy, and peace He placed in my life that day carried me through the coming week as God gave me a time to prepare for the tempest that would slam into my life.  And it was coming!

Father,

It amazes me as I look back to see how You always know just what I need just when I need it.

Then I’m amazed at my amazement because You are God!

Enable me to share with others the amazing hope You bring into my life every day.

Thank You!

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen

The God Who Sees Me

Journal entries:

June 23, 2003

“Work-fixed a problem with an account and found problems with another one.  Up most of the night with digestive issues. (I changed the wording for this posting!) J”

June 24, 2003

“Stayed home sick today.  Lawyer called.  H. offered a lump sum and he will pay lawyer’s fees.  Will change beneficiary of my life insurance policy to kids but not his in case they divorce.  He still wants control.  Probably go to court Monday.”

June 25, 2003

“Went to work and helped with bills.  Still sick so home at lunch.  Rested and worked on Bible study but didn’t go.  Talked to Tanya, Tim, and Pat.  Got sweet card from one of the ladies at RV who took me in when I first got married.”

June 26, 2003

“Slow at work.  Too much time to think.  I so desire a different type of job.  God will provide.  Talked to another friend for an hour.  It’s so good to know who your friends are.  God is so good!  ‘Father, thank You for my friends.’”

June 27, 2003

"Long day at work.  Got card from Bible study in mail-so nice.  Friend from SECC left message inviting me to go with the class to Cowboy Church tonight.  Went and had a great time.  She even treated me to supper.  People seemed genuinely happy to see me there.  ‘Father, thank You for people who care.’”

I begin these postings by just typing in journal entries with no preconceived idea of what I’m going to say.  Sometimes as I’m typing a theme immediately presents itself.  Sometimes one day’s posting is enough.  Days like today it takes a few more. 

One of the first things I noticed was the lack of a recorded prayer on the first three days.  Not sure why but maybe it was my illness.  I know myself and I will tell you I had to be really sick to miss work.  Even today I rarely miss because of illness.  It was probably all I could do to write what I did.  I know I talked to God each day, so I'm thankful it doesn’t have to be written for Him to receive my prayers.

“Lawyer called.  H. offered a lump sum and he will pay lawyer’s fees.  Will change beneficiary of my life insurance policy to kids but not his in case they divorce.  He still wants control.  Probably go to court Monday.”  I highlighted this because it’s important.  However, and this may change over the coming weeks and months, one thing I’ve noticed is that up to now I really haven’t written much negative stuff about H.  I take no credit for this.  I just think I was concentrating so hard on moving on and not letting my life be controlled any more so that’s what I wrote about.  Thankfully H. wasn’t in my life any more so I could move on.  I do remember and will write about moments when the “stuff” from our marriage overwhelmed me and caused great sadness and anger.  To me this is like allowing the poison in a wound to be removed so healing can take place.  It’s not easy but it’s necessary.  God does the preliminary work in the next few months but in October 2003 the painful excision of that poison begins in my life.  To be honest, I’m anxious to get there but I know revisiting these prelims is to my benefit and maybe someone else’s.

Last but not least the “green” entries.  Reading these reveal to me a child desperate for someone to show love, friendship, caring, and acceptance to her.  “…who took me in.”  “It’s so good to know who your friends are.”  “Got card from Bible study in mail-so nice.  Friend from SECC left message inviting me to go with the class to Cowboy Church tonight.  Went and had a great time.  She even treated me to supper.  People seemed genuinely happy to see me there.” 

My self-esteem was non-existent.  I didn’t realize it at the time but although my faith was strong and I knew God loved me, I didn’t think anybody else even saw me much less liked me.   It makes me wonder how many more people are out there feeling like no one sees them.  Many of them don’t even have faith in God to cling to like I did.  It’s heartbreaking.  My hope is that God will somehow use my words (given to me by Him) to encourage one person to seek Him and to realize their worth as a child of God.  I’m thankful that we are only called to plant the seed.  God takes care of the results.

Father,

My prayer is that one person will see in my words that hope that is found only in You.

No matter what we believe or what the world says about us,

we are special in Your sight.

Give me wisdom and courage to plant the seed.

Thank You for making that seed grown.

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen

Heartsick for Home

Journal entries:

June 22, 2003

“Wonderful Bible study and worship.  Went to lunch with friends from Bible study.  I am still struggling.  I feel like I want to go home but I don’t know where it is.  I know this world is not my home but I also know I am to be content.  I don’t want this sadness and fear-I want God’s peace and joy.  Had a nice talk with Carie and Haley.  Watched 101 Dalmatians and laughed.  That was good for me.  ‘Lord, please help me to surrender all to You.  Give me Your joy and peace-take away sadness and fear.  I love You’”

Home.  It can mean different things to different people.  When I reflect on my life I realize that for most of my marriage I never felt at home.  The only thing that made feel at home was the presence of my kids.  Otherwise I always felt like an outsider, someone who didn’t really belong.  Let me say there were people not in the family I married into who accepted and loved me and showed it in many ways.  I realize now that they were the ones whose friendships helped me survive and even grow in those years.  I don’t know where I would be today without those gifts from God.  I just remember always having this deep longing for home.

“I feel like I want to go home but I don’t know where it is.” In my journal I express that same longing for home and the frustration of not knowing where home is.  I liked my apartment.  I felt safe and comfortable there.  Many people had shown and were showing me love.  Yet, I longed for home.  Why?  I believe the answer to this is found in the words of Jesus:

“I know this world is not my home but I also know I am to be content.  I don’t want this sadness and fear-I want God’s peace and joy.” To provide this contentment, peace and joy I believe God gives us glimpses of home in family members who love and accept us just as we are.  He provides the fellowship of sisters and brothers in Christ who share a common bond with us.  As wonderful as these blessings are the truth is we are not at home in this world.  Once we accept Jesus as Savior our citizenship is firmly set in heaven.  Jesus Himself is preparing a place for us.  How amazing is that! 

So many people today are lost looking for home.  The rooms of this world are temporary and fail miserably to satisfy our longing for home.  Money, fame, sex, power, sports, people, etc. are all shallow pretenders that seek to woo us away from the place that is and the One who is truly our home.  The room in which we will reside in heaven is home. 

I am content in my life today.  God has placed me in a wonderful place with family, friends, dog, apartment, and job that I truly enjoy.  I’m rarely sad and can say I’m truly at peace.  However, that being said, I still long for home.  As I age my body is wearing out.  The things of this world do not hold the same attraction that they once did.  People I love have departed this world and are with Jesus.  I want to be there too.  As long as God leaves me here I will do my best in service to Him.  However, I am waiting with anticipation the day He calls me home!

Father,

What a joy it is to know that Your Son is preparing a place for me in Heaven.

I want to do my best for You while I'm in this world so please help me.

When I grown weary remind me that my home is waiting for me.

Thank You!

In Jesus' Name,

Amen 

   

Kindness: Pass it on!

Journal entries:

June 16, 2003

“Hard day.  I can’t concentrate.  My lawyer sent him the new settlement.  Tanya bought me lunch. ‘Please let him agree, Lord’.  I didn’t go to divorce care-it’s too early for that."

June 17, 2003

“Rough day-I am so tired in every way.  Went to dentist-I am finished!  Didn’t go back to work.  I felt so bad.  Got cards from a couple of friends.   That was so helpful.  Tim & Tanya both called.  ‘God, You have so richly blessed me.   Bring that to mind when I doubt and fell afraid.’”

June 18, 2003

“What a day!  I was so angry.  Bible study helped me.  The ladies are so concerned and understand what I’m going through.  ‘Father, thank You for friends.  Help me to learn how to be one.’”

June 19, 2003

“Doing okay till afternoon-then the sadness hit.  Met a friend at White Castle and we talked-it was helpful.  Watched Gaithers and praised God-that was wonderful.  I am going to make it.  I need something truly spectacular and wonderful to happen right now.  I need a mountaintop experience.  ‘Lord, please send a miracle my way-not for a sign cause I know You are here but for a renewing of my spirit.’”

June 20, 2003

“Work okay.  Went to Summit and bought some stuff for my apartment.  Just enjoyed being home.  Talked to my former Sunday School teacher for an hour.  She is such an encouragement.  ‘Father, thank You for friends old and new.’”

June 21, 2003

“Long day.  Cleaned apartment.  Talked to Pat.  Had another ‘meltdown’ in the evening-cried so hard my head hurt.  I forgot the picture albums at the house.  I am angry and hurt.  Pat listened and prayed for me-it did help.  ‘Father, please work a miracle in my life.’”

Rough week!  The words in red prove that.  Even the best day was just ‘okay’.  But notice that every day also has purple words; words that signify something good or uplifting that happened that day.  God used family and friends to encourage and minister to me every day!  The thing is, He didn’t make them do these things; His Spirit nudges people to act but there is never coercion.  It’s a choice we make when God asks us to do something.  I’m blessed because the people in my life choose to take the time and expend the effort to reach out to and help someone who was in pain.  

This is why we are here on this earth.  Our responsibility is to minister to the needs of others as God leads.  We cannot all be everything to everyone.  We can do our part when the Spirit dwells in us and guides us.  Some of the sweetest moments in my life have come from a hug or a smile or a simple kind word.  There are so many ways we can show the kindness given to us by God.

No matter where we are in life; age, health, financially, circumstances, etc., we can do something to show kindness to someone who needs it.  The only thing it will cost us is time and effort.  So why not decide today to open ourselves up to the Holy Spirit and ask Him to give us opportunities to be kind this day?  I truly do not know where I would be at this moment if it wasn’t for the kindness of so many people, not just over the last thirteen years, but throughout my entire life.  I want to make the same difference in someone’s life today.

I asked on June 19^th for a ‘mountaintop experience’.  Reading this today reminded me that it’s not on the mountaintops that God encourages us the best and most; it’s in the valleys where wildflowers of kindness touch our hearts and bring encouragement to our wounded hearts and souls. 

How can you show kindness to someone today?

Father,

I have no words to thank You for the kindnesses shown to me over the years.

I only ask that You help me to show those kindnesses to others along the way.

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen

Moments

Journal Entries:

June 12, 2003

“Strange day.  Two of my coworkers were off, two left early for health reasons, leaving two of us in our department.  It was quiet.  Hal called in the evening-he and Carie were leaving for Kentucky.  Had a quiet evening at home. ‘Lord, be with Hal and Carie as they travel and as they get the dogs.’”

June 13, 2003

“Slow long day at work but evening was wonderful.  Hal, Tim, Tanya, Carie, Roger, and Wayne came.  We ate pizza, talked, laughed, cried, and healed.  I feel closer to them than I ever have.  Praise the Lord-He is so good!  ‘Lord, please bless us as a family-hold us close to You and to each other.’”

June 14, 2003

“What a wonderful day!  Hal and Carie took me to the Summit where I spent my gift certificate.  Got a complete bedding set, a towel rack for bedroom, salt & pepper shakers, spoon rest, & two soap dispensers.  I enjoyed being with them.  They went to Lexington to eat with some friends.  I had a nice evening at home.  Tanya called from the Kentucky Speedway-she saw Terry Bradshaw and he called her ‘Sweetie’.  She said she was speechless.  It was just a great day.  ‘Father, thank You for my children.  Watch over each of them.’”

June 15, 2003

“Wonderful Bible class and worship.  Sat with friends and they took me out to eat.  They are so wonderful.  Restful afternoon until about 5:30.  Hal called.  When he, Carie, and Tim went to get dogs from the house H. had a friend over.  The kids didn’t want to talk to him so they quickly loaded up the dogs and left.  It does hurt!  My friend and her kids came by-it was good to talk to her.  I am thankful for good friends.  ‘Lord, help me to think of others this day’”

These days were special because of my kids.  We were all together for the first time in a while.  The statement “I feel closer to them than I ever had” may seem strange since I’m their mother and of course when they were little I was close to them.  I have always loved them more than life itself.  I think this was different because we were all adults and we were together without the fear and anxiety that had been present for most of their lives.  It was just a sweet time of family fellowship.  In the years since, like most parent-adult child relationships we’ve had our ups and downs but I’ve always known I can count on them if I need them.  We are all very independent people who live our own lives but our love for each other is real.  I’ve had to learn how to be myself with them just like I did with friends.  It’s probably been harder with them because I am mom and they are still my babies no matter how old they get.  I’ve let go of some expectations I had of what our relationships would be like which is a good thing because no person can meet our expectations.  God is the only One who never fails me. 

The time of shopping with Hal and Carie was special in a different way.  It was fun being with them since I don’t get to see much of them.  Being able to shop for myself without apprehension or guilt was still a very new experience, one I quite enjoyed. 

The entry about Tanya and Terry Bradshaw was a moment that made a mom’s heart happy.  She is a huge Pittsburgh Steeler fan and she and Roger were at the Speedway to help a friend’s daughter earn money for a group she was in.  She never expected to see Terry Bradshaw!  This was a special moment for her and I’m so glad it happened.  My kids had some great experiences growing up but their childhood was not easy so anytime something happens that makes their hearts sing it does the same to mine.  This made Tanya’s heart sing.

Sunday was a day of mixed emotions.  I love that God knows what we need when we need it.  I didn’t go into all that happened at the house when they pick up the dogs because I don’t need to share that.  However, it was a painful event for the kids and for me.  For me it was a reminder of what could have been if other choices had been made and a dose of reality of what really was. The time of worship and with friends that day were gifts from God to ease the pain.  The friend who came by was one of the friends I wrote about yesterday who did not let my meanness keep her from loving me.  Her friendship reminded me that I was lovable and even likeable.  These were still novel ideas for me.

As I read back over my journal I reminded of things I’d forgotten about.  From a vantage point thirteen years removed I see how the little things, good and bad, brought me to where I am today.  God doesn’t waste anything in our lives.  As Paul says:

When we love Him, God takes every part of our lives and brings about His purpose so that we can impact His world for His kingdom.  It’s in the hard places that our heart becomes softened and our will aligns with His so that we can use what we experience to touch others and hopefully help them to see Jesus.  That is after all the ultimate purpose for those who are called by Him, to live each moment for God.

Father,

Thank You for loving me.

In fact, You love me too much to let me coast through life.

You have walked with, led, and carried me through all things in this life

so that Your purpose can be fulfilled in me.

Continue to do so until my time on this earth is complete.

I love You so!

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen

Friends

June 9, 2003

“Not a great day.  I was sad all day and it really hit when I got an emails from two friends in the afternoon.  I had let them have it earlier and they still love me.  Went home and cried till I had a headache.  That evening both of them emailed me and one called.  Hal called too.  God is so good.  I’m learning how to express my emotions since I have never been allowed to do it.  ‘Lord, help me to remember You always love me and to be able to express my emotions in a positive way.’”

June 10, 2003

“Good day!  People at work told me I’m looking great.  Accomplished some things at home.  Got address mailed to people.  Lawyer emailed.  H. wants to give me a lump sum instead of maintenance.  Okay but I asked for more in lump sum.  One of my friends who emailed me yesterday called-nice talk.  She had stopped by but I didn’t hear her.  I was in the bedroom.  I’ll have to watch that in early evening.  ‘Lord, please be with me.  Help me to walk the path You lay out for me.’”

June 11, 2003

“Another long day at work.  I’m thankful to have a job but I pray God will soon lead me to a better one.  Ladies Bible study was great-this is a neat bunch of ladies.  They are so caring.  “Lord help me to follow Your lead.’”

Quote for the day:  “I’m learning how to express my emotions since I have never been allowed to do it.”  This was just the beginning of my lessons in this area.  I had such a long way to go.  Still learning as a matter of fact.  When I said I let my friends have it that means I lit into them for not contacting me for a period of time, for not checking on me.  I remember feeling lonely and forgotten; just like I felt for most of my marriage.  I think the years of bottling up my emotions and my anger were starting to erupt like a volcano.  After I had done this I firmly expected to lose their friendship.  Thankfully, they are both lovely Christian ladies who understood and forgave and still love me today.  Even though because of location I don’t see either of them at this time I do know if I ever need anything that they are friends for life.  They taught me what true friendship is.

Then there’s the matter of the lump sum agreement.  At the time I didn’t really thing about it but looking back I see God’s hand in this too.  My kids were grown so no custody or child support needed.  This man had controlled my life for so long that I needed to be released from any contact with him.  The lump sum did this.  I no longer had to allow him any access to my life.  I’m sure his motive was not to make it easier or better for me but that’s what happened.  His influence over my life was by no way over.  I had a long hard battle to fight to freedom.  However, this was an important step in that process.  It was so totally a God thing and I’m so grateful.

Lastly there’s the statement about my job.  I did like my job okay.  I worked with some nice people and, of course, the best part was Tanya was there.  However, I felt like I needed a change.  New life, new job.   Again, in looking back I see God’s hand in this desire.  It would be some time before He provided the perfect job for me because He still had work to do in my life right where I was.  And what a work He did in that next year!  I’m excited about looking back at this time of healing and moving forward.  I can’t wait to rediscover all that God did in my life during this time. 

In this posting the main lesson I see is how God uses earthly friendships to give us a taste of our best and true Friend.  He’s the one who gives us the love, compassion, and caring to be the kind of friend who love no matter what.  I am so thankful to have Jesus Christ as my Friend!  John 15:15

Father,

Thank You for friends who have taught me what it means to be a friend.

Thank You for truth, love, compassion, grace, mercy, and acceptance as lived out by my friends.

Teach me to be the kind of friend who loves unconditionally.

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen

Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow!

June 6, 2003

“Work, grocery, and home.  Didn’t do much.  I am so lonely.  I know God is with me and I think that is the only thing keeping me going.  My lawyer called and then e-mailed me the settlement.  It looks good but I wonder if he’ll agree. ‘Please help me Father.  Give me a good day tomorrow and help someone to call or come see me.’”

June 7, 2003

“Stayed home all day.  Cleaned the apartment, worked in the office, and made spaghetti.  It was a lonely day but good.  Pat called after 9 and I cried a little but it reminded me that people care.”

June 8, 2003

“Good day-really enjoyed Bible study and worship.  It’s so good to truly worship!  Went to lunch with FAITH class.  Met some new people.  Home and just relaxed.  Tanya & Tim called.  I’m going to be wonderful-it will just take time.  ‘Lord, lead me to new friends with whom I can be honest and can share.  Help me to be a good friend.’”

I underlined the phrases that impacted me when I read over these entries.  There are days still when God’s presence is the only thing that keeps me going but it’s for different reasons.  Then it included sadness, loneliness, feeling abandoned, and not sure of what to do next.  Today it’s more physical fatigue and pain from arthritis and fibromyalgia.  Today I need His strength and presence to help me do what I must do and to be who I need to be to others.  Today the joy He’s placed in me is what enables me to be kind and encouraging when I really don’t feel like it.  *I prefer today.

My prayer on the 6^th for someone to call or come see me sounds pretty desperate to me now.  It shows my loneliness and need to feel wanted.  Again, compared to today that too is different.  Today my job necessitates me talking to others either in person or on the phone most of the working day.  Today I receive love and appreciation from many friends and from family. Today because I am an introvert and I have fatigue when I get home I just want to be quiet and still.  Today I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do with my evenings.  *I prefer today.

Going right along with that is the statement on the 7^th that I was lonely.  Today I’m seldom lonely when I’m alone any more.  Today it’s lonelier in crowds where there are couples and families enjoying each other than it is when I’m in my apartment.  Today leaving church after morning worship on Sunday can be the loneliest time of all.  Watching groups leave to go out to eat knowing I’m heading home to eat alone sometimes hurts.  But once I get home and I love on my puppy I’m fine.  *I prefer today.

Did you notice the answer to my prayer on the 7^th?  I prayed for someone to call or come see me.  The next day I was alone all day but then right before bed my sister called.  She is one of the few people whom I trusted enough at that time to be totally honest with so I could cry when I talked to her.  God knew I needed a reminder that people care and He knew who I needed to talk with that day.  He still does today.  Then and now, yesterday and today the one constant was God’s presence in my life.

The last phrase I underlined was “I’m going to be wonderful-it will just take time.”   Wow!  That kinda surprises me.  I know there are days I will be writing about from my journals when I certainly didn’t feel that way.  When I read this I see a child who was resting in my Father’s assurance that things would be okay, that I would be better than okay.  I would be wonderful.  And guess what?  I have more wonderful days than down days right now!  But in that yesterday I never imagined the wonderful times I would experience those todays that were yet to be.  Like:

Swimming with dolphins!

I cherish the yesterdays I've lived.

I dream about the tomorrows I've yet to live.

But meanwhile I'll live today.

Father,

As I reflect on my yesterdays,

live in my todays,

and hope for my tomorrows,

my gratitude for Your faithful love

knows no bounds.

Thank You!

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen

*I do prefer today to yesterday.  That being said, without my yesterdays I would not be who or where I am today.  God has done a wonderful work in my life in those yesterdays.  Every yesterday contributed to who I am today.  That’s why I can be thankful in ALL things as 1 Thessalonians 5:18 says.  God is good!

Where Do I Find My Worth?

Journal entries

June 3, 2003

“What a day!  It was okay until H. called me at work to see why he hadn’t heard from the lawyer.  I don’t know why he’s in such a hurry.  I told him to talk to the lawyer, she’s in charge.  He still affects me in a bad way.  The lawyer who is handing the divorce for both of us (he was okay with that) said he can get his own lawyer (he threatened to) but it would take longer cause she would hold him to the letter of the law.  I choose to trust God in this situation.  Tim called and said he had changed the locks at the house so now the kids can’t get in to get their stuff.  What’s wrong with him?  I’m going to a Bible study Wednesday with some ladies for SECC.  I am looking forward to it.   ‘Father, thank You for giving me just what I need when I need it.’”

June 4 & 5, 2003

Not sure what was going on these two days because I didn’t write much.  Highlight: “Went to Bible study-it was wonderful.” 

I still remember the feeling of dread that came over me that day when I heard his voice on the phone.  I felt like a kid who had done something wrong and was about to be punished.  I credit God with giving me the words to say.  I was not rude but I told him the lawyer was taking care of everything and he needed to talk to her.  I do remember crying after I hung up.  I’m not sure if they were tears of relief, sorrow, or fear.  I do know that he always made me feel worthless and stupid. 

Harder than that though was what the kids had and were experiencing.  I’m trying hard not to say too much about my ex-husband.  This is not a “blame it all on him” blog.  I played my part in the troubles of our marriage.  However, when it comes to my kids I have a harder time being kind.  I’ve had a harder time forgiving the things done to them over the years.  That includes forgiving myself for not standing up to him more.  That’s one of the things Satan throws at me still today but thankfully God has enabled me to forgive myself and my ex so I just rebuke the evil one when he tries that junk.  Sometimes I have to forgive all over again but the intervals of time increase and the difficulty decreases over the years.

I’m writing this blog revisiting this journey because God led me to do so.  It’s turning out to be an enjoyable and therapeutic exercise for me.  However, if I had one desire it would be that if even just one woman who’s walking a path of being abused, thrown away, and/or rejected reads any of this she’ll find encouragement to allow God to work in her life.  Or if there is one person who needs reminding that we’re not alone I hope my experience gives them hope.  Others have been there and there is always One who understands. Remember:

No matter what you’ve been through, are going through, or will face in the future, Jesus cares.  I hope to show in the coming days the ways He walked with, provided for, and loved me through all the days of my life. 

As the picture at the beginning of this post states, “your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth”.  After all, God the Creator and Master of all decided you are worth the sacrifice of His Son.  And that same Son was willing to give up His place in heaven to suffer unimaginable pain, agony, and death for you.  So, as Mark Lowry has said, “the pot doesn’t get to tell the Potter how much the pot is worth.  The Potter tells the pot what it’s worth”.  

Father,

You created me.

I am not worthless.

My worth is found in You.

Thank You!

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen