Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Who Is In Control of My Life?

Journal Entries:  Highlights
September 29, 2003
“Talked to Hal and Tim today.  Tanya brought me homemade chili for lunch-Roger made it.  God has blessed me with wonderful children!  ‘Thank You Lord!  I love You!’”
September 30, 2003
“Sad day.  God is working in my life-I know it and I trust Him. “I love You Lord!’”
October 1, 2003
“Tim called and asked me to make chili this weekend-feels good to be appreciated and needed.  I didn’t make it to Bible study-for some reason I cry on Wednesday nights and being in that group doesn’t seem to be what I need right now.  I’m really ready to get counseling going.  I need to concentrate on it and on spending time with God in the evenings.  Just God and me.  ‘I love You Lord!’”
October 2, 2003
“I realize now that the middle of the week is a sad time for me.  I’m so ready to get on with counseling-I want to be healed in every way.  I need to slow down and let God work.  ‘Help me to hear Your voice alone, Father.  I love You!’”
I highlight the thoughts I’ve written down to help me understand what was happening in my life at this time.  Days likes this with an assortment of colors reminds me that few days are all good or all bad.  I’m grateful for the ways I see God working in each situation, positive or negative, that occurred in my life.  There were some sentences that jumped out at me in these excerpts.  “God is working in my life-I know it and I trust Him.  I’m really ready to get counseling going.  I need to concentrate on it and on spending time with God in the evenings.  Just God and me.  I’m so ready to get on with counseling-I want to be healed in every way.  I need to slow down and let God work.” 
These words show that I recognized who was in control.  God was working His will in my life in the good and bad to bring me to where He desired me to be.  The reason He was able to work in my life was my willingness to trust Him and allow Him to work.  I could have tried to do it on my own but this would have led to nothing but more heartache and failure.  If I tried to force things that I thought I wanted to happen I believe disaster would be the result.  These sentences reveal a desire in me for His hand to touch and to work in my life.
Let me make something perfectly clear here.  I take no credit for this attitude.  When I read these words 13 years later I am astounded.  My only explanation is that through my faith and acceptance of Jesus Christ I have His Spirit dwelling in me.  He’s the one that gave me any wisdom and/or discernment to seek His path.  Scripture tells me that:
I do recall moments when words would not come and I would say “help me, Lord!” or “I need You, Lord!” and He would be there.  I can’t explain it but it is oh so real in my life.  Things happened (and still do) in my life that I cannot explain to this day.  Answers would come in so many different ways that I would just stand amazed at His grace, mercy, and love for me.  The counseling that I was about to begin is a major example of this.  I’d never gone to counseling before; I didn’t know what to expect.  I believe the Holy Spirit placed in my heart, soul, and mind the idea that I needed this and then God sent me an angel named Cherie.  Jeremiah 29:11 became very real to me at this time.
I had no idea what was coming in my life but God did and does.  That’s why it’s so much better to just leave it in His hands.  Walk each day trusting Him and seeking His will.  See interruptions as opportunities, endings as beginnings, failures as lessons learned.  I’ve learned God does not waste anything we go through in our lives but uses all for our good.  One of my favorite verses also became more real to me at this time.


I don’t know what you are walking through at this moment but I do know that as long as we exist on this earth we will face hard times.  Put your faith and trust in God now and when difficult times come you’ll know Who to turn to and He will answer your cry.
Father,
There are no words for me to express my gratitude for your faithful love and guidance.
Continue to open my heart, mind, and soul to Your truth.
Bless Your children with Your presence.
In Jesus’ Name,
Amen.

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Friends


When I began writing this blog I chose to not use names of anyone who is not family.  However, as one stage of this journey draws to an end and another begins I feel like I need to thank several of those who walked through this with me
This blog is about friends; friends who didn’t abandon me when it might have been easier to do so.  I didn’t use names because I hadn’t asked them if I could.  Last week I contacted a few of them and requested their permission to use their first names.  Thankfully they said yes.  There are many more who supported me in various ways but these four went above and beyond in their love and support.
Terry and Monnie.  He was pastor at our rural church when my world changed forever.  They were actually friends with my husband and myself before all this happened.  We were both very involved in church work at this time.   After we separated the actions of my ex affected the small rural church we attended in a not so nice way.  I won’t go into detail but Terry and Monnie were attacked unfairly because of things that were said and done.  They stood the course and followed God’s word in every way.  There were at our house the day after my marriage ended loving me and offering me support.  Monnie is one of the friends who visited me quite often in my apartment and they invited me into their home.  They even let me borrow a couch for the first year of apartment living.  They encouraged and supported me in so many big and little ways while they were experiencing difficult times themselves.  I’m so thankful for their friendship.  I’m also grateful that even though I don’t see them often I can still count them as treasured friends to this day.
Judy.  What a friend.  I hadn’t even known her that long.  We met in our Sunday School class and really were just becoming good friends when everything happened.   It was to her house that I went on the day after my ex.’s announcement that he wanted a divorce.  She and her family took me like a long lost relative.  She listened, cried with me, fed me, and let me stay all weekend.  It was a place of refuge and rest.  Two weeks later at Tanya’s wedding when we realized we had forgotten the ingredients for the punch, Judy left the wedding, drove to a grocery, bought what was needed, and came back and made the punch!  Then she helped serve at the reception.  I don’t know if I’ve ever adequately thanked her for that.  I was certainly no help; I was just trying to enjoy my daughter’s special day before I fell apart.  She’s also one of the friends who visited me, met me for lunch or supper, emailed me, and prayed with me in that first year.  Judy and Monnie are the two friends that I first expressed anger with and then feared they wouldn’t have anything to do with me anymore because that’s what I’d been conditioned to believe.  What did they do?  They firmly but lovingly responded to my words and our friendships deepened.  Like Terry and Monnie, I don’t see Judy these days but I count her friendship as a treasure that will last.
Ann.  I knew this sweet lady through my sister and her husband.  We weren’t really what I would call friends, more like acquaintances.  Yet, this wonderful woman allowed me to invade her home and live in her basement until I found an apartment.  She graciously welcomed me, encouraged me, did things with me, and loved me when I so needed it.  Ann is a widow who shared her life, home, and wisdom with me for 7 weeks.  That’s a long time to have someone you barely know in your home yet she was always gracious and kind to me.  During this time she became not just my sister’s friend, but my friend as well.  Seeing how she had overcome and thrived in her life after the death of her husband was such an inspiration to me.  I once told that when I grew up I wanted to be just like her!  Like the others, I don’t see her often but when I do I count it as a blessing.  She’s another treasure in my life.
These blessings from God all exemplify the qualities of a friend:
Their love, faith, and support gave me a firm foundation on which to begin my new life. In Romans 12:15 Paul says to “Laugh with your happy friends when they’re happy; share tears when they’re down. (MSG)  This is exactly what Monnie, Terry, Judy, and Ann did for this wounded soul.  I am so thankful that God in His mercy and grace brought this people into my life just when I needed them.  Their examples of being a true friend taught me how to be one today. 
I can’t close without saying there were others whose friendships carried me through this time.   Most of them will come up in later postings because of entries I made about their love and support.  The lesson we can learn from this is that no act of love or kindness is too small or insignificant in this life.  We never know when a kind word, a smile, a hug, or a warm welcome will be the one thing a person who is hurting remembers years later as a healing balm to their soul.  We are the instruments God has chosen to be His heart, hands, and feet in this broken world.  I’m so grateful for those who took the time and made the effort to show His love to this broken and hurting child of God. 
Father,
I don’t have the words to express my gratitude for the friends with whom You’ve blessed me.
Most of all I thank You for my Best Friend, Jesus Christ.
Thank you for the friends who have been His heart, hands and feet to me over the years.
Help me to be a friend to others as they have been to me.
In Jesus’ Name!
Amen.

Monday, August 29, 2016

Family

Today there will be no journal entries.   I’m to a place where one stage of this journey draws to an end and another begins.  Before I relive the memories from the next phase I feel like I need to thank those who walked through this with me.  Today I will begin by thanking family.
I must begin with my three kids.  Of course they’re no longer kids but to me they always will be my babies.  Hal, Tim, and Tanya have blessed my life since they day each of them was born.  They are the only other people in the world who truly understand the life we lived for all those years because we lived it together.  They know it from their life experiences just as I know it from mine so we all “know” it a little differently.  Still, the basic issues that were present affected all of us.  Let me just say I am so proud of the adults they have become.  They all live responsible lives loving their families and most of all loving Jesus and serving God as He leads.  Hal, Carie, and their kids and Tanya, Roger, and their daughter, and Tim have blessed my life over the years and I’m extremely thankful for all of them.   Tanya checks on me every day by phone.  Tim, since he lives closest to me, is always there to lend a helping hand if I need it.  Hal, even from a distance is available when I need advice or help.  Since the day my marriage ended I’ve always known they love and support me.  Their actions and words have proven that.  I’m truly blessed!
I’ve had no bigger supporters or encouragers over the years than my sister Pat and her late husband Bill.  A few weeks ago I wrote an entire posting about Pat so I’ll just reiterate the fact that she has been there for me from day one.  In fact, she has been the one who has been the most honest with me when I needed it.  I’m so thankful we have become best friends and enjoy spending time together.
Bill.  What can I say about this man?  He came into my life when I was 16 and he started dating my sister.  He became a brother to me.  Even in the difficult years of my marriage his support and love for me and my kids was amazing.  After my divorce he supported and encouraged me in every way possible.  He never doubted that I could succeed.  I can still hear him say “Why not?” when I would tell him I didn’t think I could do something I really wanted to do.  Because of his generosity I’ve delighted in life experiences that I never expected to enjoy.  This was the finest Christian man I’ve ever known and I’m so grateful that God blessed our family with his presence for so many years.  It just wasn’t long enough for us.
My brother Buddy.  He’s 6 years older than me so we were never close as kids.  Thankfully the years since my divorce that has changed.  He walked some of the same paths I have so he’s understood things I’ve gone through.  We don’t talk a lot but I know he’s there if I need a listening ear.  I’m thankful for his love and friendship.
My nieces, nephews, and families have been there for me in different ways.  One of the things I regret is that we all live in different places and life keeps us from seeing each other as often as we might like.  Yet, it’s so good knowing that I am loved by so many people. 
I do want to make special mention of Rebecca, Pat’s daughter.  Because I spend more time with Pat I’ve seen more of Rebecca and her family in the past few years and they have been such a blessing to me.    She’s touched me over and over again with her love and encouragement.  She also brought into my life five of her friends who call me Aunt Ginny.  We have had some sweet and funny times together that have made more of a difference in my life than they can know. 
I’ve had more meaningful and fun times with these people I call family over the past 13 years than I did the entire 32 years of my marriage.  God has blessed me by giving me loving relationships that have helped me heal and grow.  We’ve shared joy, love, laughter, sorrow, pain, and deep grief as family and friends.  I can think of no other people with whom I’d rather walk this path called life than this crazy loving bunch.
Families are not perfect because they are made up of imperfect people.  We disappoint and hurt each other from time to time.  However, I’ve learned in my life at least that when the chips are down I can count on someone in my family to be there for me.   There’s so much more I could say about these people but suffice it to say that their love and support helped carry me through a deep valley.  I will be grateful for that for the rest of my days. 
There is so much more I could say about these special people.  My prayer for whoever is reading this today is that you too have family who love and support you in good and bad times.  Remember:

Father,
Thank You for the family in which you placed me all those years ago.
We may be separated by distance but we will always be joined by our shared memories and heritage.
Remind us of this bond even when the love is hard to find.
In Jesus’ Name,
Amen!

Friday, August 26, 2016

Moments in Time

Journal Entry
September 28, 2003
“Wonderful Lord’s day!  Sunday School and church-I sang in the choir and new members were recognized.  There was a bunch of us.  Went to dinner with SS class.  Enjoyed it.  Home and rested-choir at 5 and sat with SS ladies for worship.  Good music, good sermon, good people, warm fellowship, and wonderful God.  Talked to Tim & Tanya-what a great day.  PTL!  ‘I love You’”
Bible study, worship with song, hearing God’s word proclaimed, fellowship with brothers and sisters in Christ, a place called home to rest, sweet time learning new music with new friends, more worship with music and proclamation, and conversations with two of my children.  This was about as perfect a day as one can have on this earth.  A day of moments to remember.
Moments.  Each day is made up of moments.  They have the potential to be ordinary or extraordinary, delightful or sorrowful, quiet or noise-filled.  Added together these moments create life lived.  It’s in the moments that I make memories to rejoice or weep over in days to come.  It’s in the moments that I learn to be thankful to the Creator who gives them to me to guide, teach, and mold me to be the person He created me to be. 
Too often I find myself living in the past: “oh if only I had…” or in the future: “oh, if only I could…”   Doing this causes me to miss the gift of the present, good or bad.  The truth is I have benefited more from the difficult moments than I have the easy ones.  It is in the desperate moments I’ve learned just how faithful and dependable my heavenly Father is.  I’ve also discovered family and friends who have been there for me no matter the situation.  I’ve learned what to do and what not to do when others walk through valleys of sorrow, abuse, or loneliness. 
The sweet moments give me hope that I cling to in the bitter times.  The brief moment of happiness I experience is a taste of the total joy that will be mine when I am in the presence of my Savior one day.  The quiet moments allow me time to reflect on and to hear God speak as our relationship grows more intimate.  The noise-filled moments bring fun and laughter as they deepen my relationships with family and friends.  Each moment is special in its own right and is a gift from God.  This is why His word says:
And why we must:
I don’t know where you are in your life journey right now but I do know that if Jesus is your Savior and Friend His Spirit is guiding every step of every moment.  Lean into and on Him.  He will not let you fall, even in the darkest moment.  Believe me, I am living proof of that.  No matter how dark the night there will always be a flicker of light shining in your life when you trust Him. 
Father,
You have blessed me with moments that cause my heart to cry out in pain.
You have blessed me with moments that cause my heart to sing out in joy.
Thank You for each moment that has made me the woman I am today,
The woman You created me to be before I was formed in the womb.
I love You so!
In Jesus’ Name,

Amen

Thursday, August 25, 2016

Timing is Everything!

Journal Entries
September 21, 2003
“I joined Ninth & O today.  The wife of Jeff, one of the associate pastors, counseled me.  She was very sweet.  Stayed home the rest of the day.  I plan to start choir and evening services next Sunday.   ‘Thank You for a church family.  Help me to get to know them and them, me.  I love You!’”
September 23, 2003
“Slow at work.  Left early to meet with Jeff at church.  Had a good talk.  He will put me in touch with his intern if I want.  She is at Southern Seminary getting her masters in counseling.  I’m going to pray about it because he can refer me to a professor if I desire.  ‘Thank You.  I love You, Lord!’”
September 24, 2003
“Called Ninth & O.  Told Jeff I want to go with the intern.  Her name is Cheri.  She called me and we set a time for this Friday.  Had a quiet evening.  ‘Thank You.  I love You, Lord!’”
September 26, 2003
“Half day.  Cheri came at 4:30.  We talked till after 6.  This is going to be wonderful.  She is so sweet and easy to talk to.  God is so good.  Bad storm came through around 2:30 a.m. but I went right back to sleep.  God is so good!  ‘Thank You.  I do love You so!’”
September 27, 2003
“Nice quiet time at home.  Talked to Tanya.  Got e-mail from Hal.  Went to dessert/choir practice at church.  Really enjoyed it.   Talked to Pat a while.  Then to bed.  Good day!  “I love You, Father.’”
This week marks the beginning of a new chapter in my life; a chapter that would bring laughter, tears, opening and healing of wounds, joy, sorrow, and so much more.  God had given me a period of rest and reflection for the last 6 months.  I was settled into my apartment and had found a church home.  People and events had touched my life and helped me to begin the process of healing.  It was time for major surgery on the wounds I had carried for way too long.  I needed to get to the source and I couldn’t do it alone.  God knew that and to heal me He sent me a wonderful counselor.
This brings me to Cheri.  She had just become an intern at Ninth & O Baptist Church working with Jeff.  When I approached him about needing a counselor he gave me the choice of his intern or a referral to a seminary professor.  That evening it didn’t take God long to let me know the intern was the right choice.  I’m so thankful He did.  I cannot begin to describe or give her enough thanks for the difference she made in my life.  Believe me, I’ve told her many times how grateful I am for her dedication, honesty, piercing questions, quiet faith, and friendship.  She was and is a jewel.  I believe you’ll discover that for yourself in the coming weeks as I post about our times together.  I’m so looking forward to revisiting our sessions and the life-changing discoveries they brought.
Cheri is not the only blessing God brought into my life because of my new church home.  He used this group of fellow believers to embrace and encourage me during the time I was there.  Being back in a choir was such a treat.  Music was an important part of my life for many years and I’d missed it.  I really did feel like I’d come home.
One of the lessons I learn from this time is to trust God’s timing.  Everything had to come together at just the right time for Cheri and me to meet.  I know that my joining the church, Cheri’s beginning her internship through Southern at the same church, and my plea to God just the week before for someone to counsel me were all in His hands.  He truly does care about His child and He does work all things for good in His time.  It’s when I try to handle things on my own that disaster strikes.  I’m just thankful that even then He, when asked, comes in, picks up the pieces, and makes things beautiful.
If you are waiting on God right now don’t give up.  Keep asking, keep taking steps as He leads, and keep trusting.  In His timing His perfect plan for your life will unfold and you will be amazed and astounded at His loving mercy and grace!
Father,
Teach me to always trust Your timing.
You see and know what’s best in my life.
Thank You for loving me even when I mess up
and for healing the wounds that touch my life.
In Jesus’ Name,
Amen

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Heart Whispers



Journal Entries:
September 18, 2003
“Cried again.  Sad at work.  My supervisor called me into her office-I was nervous.  I told God I needed something good to happen today.  She did my review-said she admired, and others did too, how I’ve handled this.  Said I have more confidence in myself-gave me a raise.  PTL!  Had a mammogram, signed will, and went to Winchester to see Pat.  We ate supper, did some shopping, and watched TV with Stacy (her father-in-law).  Good day!  ‘I love You!’”
September 19, 2003
“Pat & I shopped most of the day.  We drove through Georgetown (lived there from 1960-63) & it brought back some memories.  Had a good supper with Stacy and watched TV.  Had a great time.  Wonderful day!  ‘Thank You, Lord!  I love You!’”
September 20, 2003
“Had another good breakfast with Pat & Stacy.  We left around 11:30 a.m. and went shopping, then lunch at Bob Evans.  Got her to the airport and drove home.  Went through Versailles-I think I’d like to live in that area someday.  Stopped at LifeWay and bought a video.  This was a wonderful time with my sister.  ‘Thank You, Lord.  I love You!’”
Wow!  Look at all the green!  I’m so thankful for my Father who sees my tears and hears my pleas and provides just what I need.  Started these days with “Cried again.  Sad at workand ended with “This was a wonderful time with my sister.”  God is good!  He’s there comforting me in the bad times when I feel like I can’t go on and He’s there celebrating with me in the good times when my heart overflows with happiness. 
“My supervisor called me into her office-I was nervous.”  I remember being so afraid when she called me.  You have to know that I was so used to being criticized for just about everything I did or being ridiculed for the things I enjoyed in life that I always expected the worst.  I wasn’t used to being complimented or praised.  My knee jerk reaction to any type of confrontation was to draw into myself for protection.  My supervisor was a no-nonsense woman who was not a Christian and I didn’t know what to expect.   When she complimented me and asked me why I had been able to handle this so well I was able to share my faith in God and give Him the praise and glory for all He’d done in my life.  It’s really the first time I remember having the confidence to share my faith so boldly with a lost person.   Her compliment and my pay raise were certainly quick answers to my prayer for something good to happen on that day.
The rest of the weekend was just what I needed.  It was just a fun sweet time with family doing things I enjoyed doing without feeling guilty.  The trip to Georgetown was especially meaningful as it brought back memories of one of the best parts of my childhood.  My time there between the ages of 10 and 12 were about as perfect as a childhood can be.  No life wasn’t perfect, there is no such thing.  But I remember those days being carefree and sweet.  This trip down memory lane reminded me that life could be good.  I just needed allow God to determine my steps and walk with me on each one of them. 
“This was a wonderful time with my sister.”  I wrote in another posting about my sister and how much she has done for me in my life.  Let me just say that this weekend was just the beginning of a change in our relationship that is ongoing today.  I will forever be grateful for the fact that we are not just sisters now; we are friends.  That’s special!
“Went through Versailles-I think I’d like to live in that area someday.”  Versailles is in Bluegrass Country near Lexington where I lived from 1963 till 1971 when I married.  I lived in Louisville at this time but had always had a longing to go “home” to Lexington.  Little did I know that in less than a year God would grant this desire and move me “home” where I live today.   
These three days were a wonderful prelude to an eventful week in my life.  God would introduce someone new to me in the next few days and I’m so looking forward to revisiting the time I spent with this amazing young woman who made such a positive difference in my life.  I can’t wait to introduce you to her.  Stay tuned.
Father,
I stand in amazement at Your love
as You listen for the smallest whisper
from Your child’s heart!
Thank You!
In Jesus’ Name,
Amen

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Does God Hear My Cry?

Journal entries:
September 14, 2003
“Good day.  Sunday School and worship felt like home.  Went to 101 class for new members to learn about Ninth & O.  It was so good.  I will probably join next Sunday.  Three of my friends from RV called-coming to see me tomorrow night.  It will be fun.  Pat is in Winchester.  ‘Lord, guide me each day.  I love you!’”
September 15, 2003
“Busy day.  Home.  My friends came.  We ordered pizza, ate, talked, and laughed.  It was wonderful!  I’m so thankful for good friends.  ‘Father, thank You for friends who love and encourage me.  I love You!’”
September 16, 2003
“Work was good.  Home and did as little as possible.  I am tired.  I need a vacation where I can rest.  ‘Father, help me to rest in You.  I love You!’”
September 17, 2003
“Long day.  H. called Tanya-said someone in Virginia called him but he didn’t get all the number.  Hal is out to sea and his family is with her parents waiting to move into their own place.  Got in touch with Carie-no one from there called him.  Everyone there is fine.  She talked to Hal and he’s doing great.  Home-didn’t go to Bible study.  I’m fighting depression.  I cried and talked to God.  I am so tired!  I need to find a counselor.  ‘Father, help me please.  I love You!’”
Let me start by saying that the first two days of this week good things happened.  Church, wonderful time with friends, being able to go home and choose to do nothing.  I’m so thankful for these moments of happiness in the midst of this extremely difficult journey I was on.  I do not take them lightly or for granted.
That being said, the words in red became my focus as I read these entries.  Tired, need rest, depression, need a counselor.  As I look back now I can see the hand of God preparing me for a major step in my journey.  I had to reach the point where I knew I couldn’t do this on my own.  I needed help.  Until I recognized this God could not provide exactly who and what I needed.  I didn’t know then that in exactly one week God would introduce me to the person He was even then preparing to come along side of me as my counselor and friend.  I believe He was just waiting for me to ask.
And ask I did.  “Father, help me please.”  I see a progression of thought in the prayers on these days.  First I asked Him for guidance in joining Ninth & O.   I wanted it to be where He wanted me to be.  Then I thanked Him for friends.  I think the visit from friends from my days before divorce was a reminder that I did matter, I wasn’t forgotten by them or especially by God.  Then I asked Him for rest.  I was tired of the struggle of doing this on my own.  Family and friends were wonderful but I needed help that only He could give me.  That’s when I reached the point where I gave up pretending I could do this by myself.  I needed a counselor.  I called out to God for help.  That was it.  Simple yet profound.  We can’t get help until we realize and admit we need it.  Jesus promised that if we:
God was getting ready to open wide the door for my journey from being rejected to being restored and revitalized!  If I’d known all that this open door was going to lead to in my life I might have chosen differently.  In fact, a few times over the last thirteen years I’ve told my kids they could just put me in one of these:

There are still days today when it looks pretty good.  Just add my TV & Gaither videos and my puppy Cinnamon and I’d be a happy camper.  Truth be told, I’m so very thankful that neither God nor my kids chose to honor that request.  He has different plans for me because He’s provided so many great opportunities and kept me moving forward even on days I’ve resisted.  He’s still moving me today.
My encouragement to anyone reading this who is discouraged or ready to throw in the towel is to simple admit you can’t do it alone, ask God for help, and wait for the miracle.  It will come.  It may not be what or who you expect but it will be what’s best in God’s timing and purpose for your life.  That I can promise.
Father,
Thank You for not answering all my requests.
Thank You for always doing what’s best for me even when I don’t see it.
You are Awesome!
In Jesus’ Name,
Amen

Monday, August 22, 2016

LOVE

Journal Entries:
September 8-12, 2003
“Painted a picture of flowers in a vase.  It wasn’t bad.  ‘Father, thank You for my family and friends.  I love You, Lord!’”
“Ninth & O Minister of Education and his wife visited. Good visit. Lord, I feel afraid and tired.  Please help me.  I love You, Lord!’”
“Went to Wednesday Night Bible study at Ninth & O.  Felt lonely for a while but enjoyed it.  ‘Thank You.  I love You, Lord.’” 
“Sad day.  I’m tired of being alone in everything-I mean without a human friend ‘cause I know God is with me.  Cried most of the day.  Talked to Pat and cried.  I don’t feel ‘connected’ to anyone and that is hard.  Father, help me to feel Your presence.  I love You, Lord!’”
“I’m still a little sad and I know it is loneliness and I know God is with me.  I stopped at Lifeway and bought a book and video to make me laugh.  God is good.  ‘Father, please heal my broken heart and help me to rest in your presence.  I love You, Lord!”
“Good day at home.  Watched Mark Lowry video and laughed so much-it felt wonderful.  Just a nice day.  ‘Thank You, Lord!  I love You, Lord!’”
When I first read these entries I really didn’t know in what direction to take this blog posting.  These were normal day filled with normal activities, different emotions, and new experiences.  Just living life as it happened.  Then I read back over them and the phrase, “I love You, Lord” caught my eyeIt was in every day’s entry.  When I began thinking about this I realized how important this is to me. 
One of the deepest needs we have as humans is to be loved.  I had been told that the person who was supposed to love me most had never really loved me.  The person I had given years of my life to and had tried to love in spite of the indifference shown to me had literally broken my heart.  Every time he said “I love you” to me it was a lie.  This was a deep hurt and to be honest, even though I’ve healed, I’ve forgiven, and I’ve moved on there are still moments today when I think of this and feel the heartbreak all over again.  I don’t mourn for or even blame him anymore but I ache for that wounded woman who wanted so desperately to be loved that she put up with being ignored and ridiculed for way too long. 
As I look back over my entire life I see God’s love written on every day.  Yes, even those hard days of my marriage.  I could go back and recount the multitude of ways God showered me with His love over those 32 years.  Maybe I’ll do that one day.  But for this day and this blog entry let me just say that I have never ever doubted God’s love for me.  Not even on the worst of days when I felt unlovable.  I don’t understand it but I do know it.  God has always loved me.  On every page of His word is written that:
What a glorious and overwhelming fact this is!  The Creator of all that exists, the Savior of the world, the Victor over all that is evil LOVES ME!  And all He desires from me is a relationship based on mutual love.  He has proven His love for me in one act: the sacrifice of His Son on the cross for my sins.  He need do not more yet He has done so much more.
What then for my part in this love relationship?  My prayer should and must be:

My life, my actions, my words, my desires all must seek to please Him and to do His will in my life.  That’s all that really matters.  That’s all that will last for eternity.  I’m so thankful and to be honest a little astounded to discover in reading my journals that my love for God never faltered.  I despaired some days, I cried some days, and I felt angry some days but the underlying presence of my love for God and His love for me never wavered.  I give Him all the glory, honor, and praise for the foundation of love found in Jesus Christ that carries me still today.
Father,
Your love for me knows no limit.
My love for You grows each moment.
Thank You!
In Jesus’ Name,
Amen 

Friday, August 19, 2016

Following the Shepherd

Journal Entries:
September 5, 2003
“Pretty good day.  Quiet evening.  I think I’ve been doing too much for right now.  I tend to over commit-I need to watch that. ‘Lord, help me to know what You would have me to do and then to do it.’”
September 6, 2003
“Stayed home-beautiful weather-I opened patio door for a while.  Talked with my friend.  Her friends will meet me in the morning.  I am nervous about another new thing but God is with me.  ‘Lord, thank You for Your presence in my life.  I love You!’”
September 7, 2003
"Went to Sunday School and worship at Ninth & O Baptist and felt like I’d gone home.  Small women’s class was great.  I was greeted with smiles and welcomes from the time I walked in the door and everyone was very helpful.  The worship service was meaningful and thought provoking.  This evening a man called to welcome me, see how my visit was, and set up a time Tuesday evening for a visit.  ‘Thank You, Lord!  I love You!’”
“I think I’ve been doing too much for right now.  I tend to over commit-I need to watch that. ‘Lord, help me to know what You would have me to do and then to do it.’”  I didn’t know how to say no at this time in my life.  I wanted people to like and accept me so I thought I had to do whatever I was asked to do.  To be honest, sometimes I still struggle with that even today but for the most part I’ve learned to say no and mean it.  It’s really rather freeing.
“I am nervous about another new thing but God is with me.”    My life was overrun with “new things” at this time.  I did most of those new things by myself.  Yes, sometimes friends were there when I got there but I had to get up, get ready, drive to, and walk into the place by myself.  That’s not always easy, especially when your self-esteem and/or self-image have been beaten down to where you don’t think you’re worth much.  That’s where I was.  If it hadn’t been for my faith, my desire to live life, and my assurance of God’s presence I’d probably still be stuck in that rut today.  I know it was God Himself who led me to do another new thing.
I had truly enjoyed attending Southeast Christian Church.  My friends had been a comfort and a blessing to me each time I saw them.  However, I was born and raised a Southern Baptist and had attended a Baptist church my entire life.  As I began to settle into my new life I found myself yearning for the roots that came with this connection.  I searched for a Baptist church near me and found Ninth and O less than two miles from my apartment.  When I mentioned it to my friend she knew a couple who attended there.  On Saturday she told me she’d talked to them and they were going to meet me and show me where to go.  What a blessing this was!
“Ninth & O Baptist.”  What a blessing from God this was.  When I walked in the door it was like coming home.  It felt right.  The people were warm and welcoming and the class I went to reminded me of my Sunday School class at FBC Mount Washington-ladies who loved the Lord and studying His word.  Ladies who were thrilled to see me in their class.
Worship too was like coming home.  The choir, hymns, sermon, and invitation were all so familiar and comforting to me.  Several of the ladies in my class invited me to sit with them so I didn’t feel alone.  I felt welcomed.  I felt like I belonged. 
The next months would reveal to me one of the main reasons God led me to Ninth & O Baptist Church.  For now I was just thankful for this blessing in my life.  As I look back on this time I see God’s handprint on every aspect of my life.  He knows just exactly what I need when I need it.  I needed a respite time with friends who loved on me without expecting anything from me.  I needed breathing room.  My time at Southeast gave me all of that and more.  I also learned that I could step out in faith and try new things by myself and survive.  God was preparing me for the hard work of healing that would begin in my life before the month of September ended.  Something great was just around the corner.  More about that in future postings.
“Pretty good day.  Quiet evening.”  “Stayed home-beautiful weather-I opened patio door for a while.  Talked with my friend.”  This is just a reminder to myself of the simple blessings God places in my life every day.  I never want to reach the point in my life that I miss the daily blessings He gives to me on the worst of days and the best of days. 
‘Lord, thank You for Your presence in my life.  I love You!’”  ‘Thank You, Lord!  I love You!’”  I end today with these statements.  God’s presence and love and my love for Him are the things that kept me going minute by minute, day by day, week by week until thirteen years have passed.  He has never left me and never stopped loving me.  My love for and gratitude to Him have only increased.  I’m thankful I can say with King David:
Father,
I may not always understand what You are doing in my life,
But I’ve learned to trust Your leading.
Thank You for old memories, new beginnings, and for being my Shepherd through it all.
In Jesus’ Name,

Amen