Caterpillar to Butterfly

Journal Entries

Before I begin I just want to say that I debated over including the entries from these two days.  I prayed about it and felt like it was the right thing to do.  I’m not out to blame anyone but this is part of my journey and part of the pain and healing I had to go through to overcome the obstacles in my life.  I know there was hurt and pain on both sides and misinformation given to people about what really happened in my marriage.  Only five of us know the truth and only two of us know the entire truth of what happened in our home.  That truth is colored by our own sometimes selfish perceptions of what happened.  So here we go:

August 19, 2003

“I can’t do this anymore.  I am so tired.  Got an ugly e-mail from my ex’s lady friend attacking me.  ‘I don’t understand, Lord.  I am just trying to live my life.  Please help me.’”

August 20, 2003

“Better day.   My kids are so supportive.  Tim called his dad and told him for them to leave me alone.  All three said I have not tried to influence them.  Had a long talk with Hal.  Bible study was wonderful.  I love those ladies.  ‘Lord, I am ready, I think, to move on-please reveal to me Your plan as You see fit.  I love You!’”

What an unpleasant surprise I received when I checked my e-mail at work that morning!  I knew this person, I thought at one time we were friends.  I was wrong.  But I was now settling into my new life gradually.  I didn’t need this.  She accused me of influencing my children concerning their relationship with their father.  First of all, anyone who knows my kids knows they are not easily influenced.  They are all extremely independent and headstrong.  Secondly, I had enough on my plate without trying to tell them what to do even if I could.  No, their decision was theirs alone and based on past experiences.  That’s their story to tell, not mine.

When I read this e-mail it tore open the scabs of old wounds that were being healed.  I spent so many years being accused of things I didn’t do and learning to stuff my feelings deep down inside my soul and this brought all that back.  Fear, sadness, and anger swirled like a whirlwind through my entire body.  I didn’t know what to do so I just forwarded the e-mail to each of my kids and asked if they felt like I had tried to influence them in any way concerning their father.  I received answers from all three of “NO!”   I’m can’t say I was immediately able to let go of the hurt but this helped.

Looking back at this over thirteen years later after much counseling, soul-searching, praying, and seeking I see a purpose for this event.  Remember:

Being confronted this way led me to confront issues in my own life.  I had to learn how to express my feelings in the proper way and it took years for this to happen.  My sister occasionally reminds me that I went from one extreme to the other.  This is true.  I went from never expressing my feelings to often being obnoxious and rigid.  I believe this was necessary for me to find the proper balance.  I’m thankful for people in my life who understood and were kindly and lovingly firm with me.  Mostly, I’m thankful for a Father who listened to my rantings, loved me anyway, and did use this for my good.  

Seeing prayers written in black and white expressing my faith in and love for God means more to me than I can say.  I take no credit.  It’s God who held me fast and filled me with this sure knowledge that He would see me through this.  Knowing that I continued to seek His face and to trust His heart fills me with awe at His love for me.  My awareness of His love is the only way I can explain my faith at this time in my life.

I realize that the person who sent this e-mail had been told one side of the story and because of her desires believed what she was told.  I will admit that especially in the beginning I blamed everything on my ex.  I eventually, after much counseling, soul-searching, praying and seeking, reached the point where I could own, confess, and repent of my failings in my marriage.  God and I have had many talks about this and I know He’s forgiven me and moved me beyond that.  I will say even today Satan tries to dredge up old hurts, sins, and thoughts to use against me as I try to serve God.  I’m so thankful His word tells me that:

I said at the beginning that only two of us knew the entire truth.  That’s not really true either.  Only one knows the real truth because only He knows the heart and the motives of each person.  Only He knows the circumstances from our pasts that color our present.  The key is allowing Him access to my life and letting Him sort, remove, clean, replace, and renew our minds.  That’s why this is one of my favorite verses because to me it represents what God has done and is still doing in my life:

 

Anyone who knows me knows I love butterflies.  This is why I do.  I felt like a caterpillar for so long just inching along on the earth with no particular purpose.  God has slowly and lovingly transformed my life over the years until I can truly say He has allowed me find my wings and soar. For this I will be eternally grateful.

Father,

This journey has been amazing.

You’ve walked with and/or carried me every step of the way.

You’ve been with me when I’ve crawled, stumbled, run, and soared.

Thank You for Your amazing grace given to this seeking child.

I love You!

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen