LOVE

Journal Entries:

September 8-12, 2003

“Painted a picture of flowers in a vase.  It wasn’t bad.  ‘Father, thank You for my family and friends.  I love You, Lord!’”

“Ninth & O Minister of Education and his wife visited. Good visit. Lord, I feel afraid and tired.  Please help me.  I love You, Lord!’”

“Went to Wednesday Night Bible study at Ninth & O.  Felt lonely for a while but enjoyed it.  ‘Thank You.  I love You, Lord.’” 

“Sad day.  I’m tired of being alone in everything-I mean without a human friend ‘cause I know God is with me.  Cried most of the day.  Talked to Pat and cried.  I don’t feel ‘connected’ to anyone and that is hard.  Father, help me to feel Your presence.  I love You, Lord!’”

“I’m still a little sad and I know it is loneliness and I know God is with me.  I stopped at Lifeway and bought a book and video to make me laugh.  God is good.  ‘Father, please heal my broken heart and help me to rest in your presence.  I love You, Lord!”

“Good day at home.  Watched Mark Lowry video and laughed so much-it felt wonderful.  Just a nice day.  ‘Thank You, Lord!  I love You, Lord!’”

When I first read these entries I really didn’t know in what direction to take this blog posting.  These were normal day filled with normal activities, different emotions, and new experiences.  Just living life as it happened.  Then I read back over them and the phrase, “I love You, Lord” caught my eye.  It was in every day’s entry.  When I began thinking about this I realized how important this is to me. 

One of the deepest needs we have as humans is to be loved.  I had been told that the person who was supposed to love me most had never really loved me.  The person I had given years of my life to and had tried to love in spite of the indifference shown to me had literally broken my heart.  Every time he said “I love you” to me it was a lie.  This was a deep hurt and to be honest, even though I’ve healed, I’ve forgiven, and I’ve moved on there are still moments today when I think of this and feel the heartbreak all over again.  I don’t mourn for or even blame him anymore but I ache for that wounded woman who wanted so desperately to be loved that she put up with being ignored and ridiculed for way too long. 

As I look back over my entire life I see God’s love written on every day.  Yes, even those hard days of my marriage.  I could go back and recount the multitude of ways God showered me with His love over those 32 years.  Maybe I’ll do that one day.  But for this day and this blog entry let me just say that I have never ever doubted God’s love for me.  Not even on the worst of days when I felt unlovable.  I don’t understand it but I do know it.  God has always loved me.  On every page of His word is written that:

What a glorious and overwhelming fact this is!  The Creator of all that exists, the Savior of the world, the Victor over all that is evil LOVES ME!  And all He desires from me is a relationship based on mutual love.  He has proven His love for me in one act: the sacrifice of His Son on the cross for my sins.  He need do not more yet He has done so much more.

What then for my part in this love relationship?  My prayer should and must be:

My life, my actions, my words, my desires all must seek to please Him and to do His will in my life.  That’s all that really matters.  That’s all that will last for eternity.  I’m so thankful and to be honest a little astounded to discover in reading my journals that my love for God never faltered.  I despaired some days, I cried some days, and I felt angry some days but the underlying presence of my love for God and His love for me never wavered.  I give Him all the glory, honor, and praise for the foundation of love found in Jesus Christ that carries me still today.

Father,

Your love for me knows no limit.

My love for You grows each moment.

Thank You!

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen