Monday, October 31, 2016

Champion

CHAMPION vs. pretender
Thoughts for Cheri cont.:
November 11, 2003
Guilt is another issue we discussed.  This is something I think I need to talk about with Cheri.  I realize I felt guilty for what happened to my family.  However I also know that I avoid anything that might make me look or feel guilty.  I’ve had a hard time admitting when I was wrong or I did something wrong.  No matter how big or small the mistake.  I always tried to cover up or blame someone or something else.  Part of this stems from the early experience.  However, my marriage contributed to this.  I lived with a man who was never wrong; it was always someone else’s fault.  Also, he go so angry whenever the kids or I make a mistake.  He scared me.  I would lie to protect my kids and myself.  Then I felt guilty about that.  I know that Satan has used guilt to bind me and to keep me from serving God.  I am learning how to reject him when he brings up issues that I have dealt with by confessing them to God.  I know that God has forgiven me.  I have also asked God to reveal anything in my past or present that I need to confess and to be forgiven for.  He is doing this in His time and His way.  He knows my heart and He knows when the time is right and what I can handle.  He does not make me feel guilty; He makes me genuinely sorry and He forgives and cleanses me.  Guilt is not from God; conviction, repentance, and cleansing are.”
I see in this entry one of the major differences between the way God treats His child and the way Satan attacks the child of God.  Guilt: “a bad feeling caused by knowing or thinking that you have done something bad or wrong”.  Conviction: “to convince of error or sinfulness”. 
“I know that Satan has used guilt to bind me and to keep me from serving God.”  Guilt is a negative emotion that cause one to seek to hide what they’ve done, just like I wanted to because I feared the consequences.  Usually they were far worse than the deed itself.  Guilt doesn’t change anything.  Guilt produces a heavy weight that drags down the spirit and destroys a life.  Guilt enslaves the soul.
“He knows my heart and He knows when the time is right and what I can handle.  He does not make me feel guilty; He makes me genuinely sorry and He forgives and cleanses me.”  To be convicted of something is a positive experience.  At least it is for me.  When I’m convicted by God, and yes it still happens because I still sin, the Holy Spirit leads me to confess and repent, or turn away from, that wrong.  Then God’s forgiveness pours over me like the freshest of showers and I’m clean.  Conviction leads to a lifting of that heavy weight and a freedom of my soul that is indescribable. 
Over the past 13 years God has revealed many things I’ve carried for too long.  He doesn’t beat me over the head with any of this.  He lovingly allows His Spirit to bring to mind forgotten sins of commission and omission; things I did I shouldn’t have done and things I didn’t do that I should have done.   When I look back I see how He takes the time to prepare me through prayer, scripture, sermons, etc. before reminding me of these things.  He never blind-sides me.  Yes, there have been tears and yes I’ve had to forgive myself more than once on occasion.  Thankfully, He forgives me once and for all the first time. 
I know that when things I’ve been forgiven for come to mind it’s not God, but Satan who is trying to guilt me all over again.  I’ve learned to rebuke him and trust the God who forgives and forgets. 
If you truly belong to the Lord through the sacrifice of His Son don’t allow Satan to beat you over the head and to enslave you all over again with his guilt trips.  This undermines what Jesus did for us on that cross.  He gave His life for you and for me.  There is nothing you can do to lose that salvation once you truly accept Him.  Don’t let Satan tell you differently.  He’s a liar who is LIKE a lion prowling seeking whom he can devour.  He cannot harm God’s sheep.  Jesus is THE LION of JUDAH who has overcome evil in this world and protects His sheep from all harm.
Father,
Thank You for using conviction and not guilt to change me.
Thank You for the gift of once and for all forgiveness for my sins.
Thank You for the sacrifice of You Son who made it all possible.
Thank You that THE CHAMPION defeated the pretender once and for all.
In His Name,
Amen.

 P.S.  I read back over this and felt like I needed to add something.  I no longer blame my ex or anyone else for any of this.  If someone else was at fault I wouldn’t need to be forgiven, would I?  I made my choices over the years.  I allowed myself to be fooled by Satan into thinking that I had to do this to protect myself and my kids.  The truth is, and thankfully I’ve learned this, God is the only One I need to depend on.  He will protect me in any and every situation.  That doesn’t mean bad things won’t happen.  I will suffer the consequences of my own and others bad choices.  But my soul, who I am, is safe in God.  This life and its troubles are temporary.  Life with God is forever and trouble free.  Hallelujah! 

Friday, October 28, 2016

Voice

Thoughts for Cheri cont.:
November 11, 2003
“Cheri told me he took my voice.  But I allowed him to do that!  I do not want to do that anymore.  I desire for God alone to determine my voice; my thoughts, my words, my motives, my actions, every part of my being.  I must take responsibility for myself, not give that right to others.  Then God can truly begin to work in me making me the Ginny He created me to be.  What an awesome thought!”
How does someone “take my voice”?  Ridiculing, criticizing, and disparaging just about everything that is said or believed by a person will cause them to shut down.  That’s what happened to me.  In order to keep the peace as best I could I began being quiet and agreeing with whatever he said.  If you do that long enough you began to think the same way as the other person.  It’s a form of brainwashing.  It’s real.  But it’s not permanent.  There is One who can restore a voice that has been taken.  He is the only one who can do this.
Satan uses the things of this world to attack, deceive, and still the voice of God’s child.  Unfortunately the ones he can use best are those who are closest to us.  We listen to those voices; we care about what they say.  That’s why it’s so important to stay in God’s word, to spend time in prayer, to fellowship with other believers.  This is how we gain discernment to know what aligns itself with God’s word and what is not.  We also need to be careful with our own words.  Our voices must be used to encourage, teach, and build up those in our sphere of influence.  This doesn’t mean we don’t speak the truth.  On the contrary, we speak the truth with love but with firmness and faith.
“I desire for God alone to determine my voice; my thoughts, my words, my motives, my actions, every part of my being.”  Since He delivered me from this situation He has done this for me.  He taught me to rely on scripture, prayer, and the leading of the Holy Spirit to guide me each day.  When I do this God will be the one determining my voice.  I know this is true because there are days when I wake up not feeling so sweet and kind.  Every morning I spend time with God before leaving for work.  I always ask Him to help me be an encouragement to others but on those not so nice days I tell Him “God, I really don’t feel like being nice today so You please be nice through me.”  He’s never failed me yet.  By the time I reach church I’m able to smile and greet people with a voice of friendliness and kindness.  I’m telling you, we serve an awesome God!
God’s word tells me to:

I put on these “clothes” when I allow Jesus Christ to shine through me.  His presence is the force that gives me strength and wisdom to live a life that pleases the Father.  That’s the voice I want to share with this hurting world. 
Father,
You are the One who gave me a voice.
I am the one who chooses to use that voice to bless or curse.
Help me to always please You with the words of my mouth
And the meditations of my heart.
In Jesus’ Name,
Amen

Thursday, October 27, 2016

Of Turtles and Dragons

Thoughts for Cheri cont.:
November 11, 2003

“The image I see is one of a turtle that pulls back in his shell when he senses danger.  I created a shell of protection for myself, detaching myself from all feelings.  The problem with that is I ‘protected’ myself from life, the life God had for me.  Satan kept prodding me with ‘sticks’ so I wouldn’t poke my head out.  When I did venture out by teaching a class, singing a solo, joining a group, or anything else risky, the old feelings of worthlessness, inferiority, and insecurity would rear their ugly heads and I would pull back into my shell.”

Okay, so I was like a frog in a kettle of water (previous blog post) and a turtle in a shell!  Interesting comparisons but very appropriate.  I would venture out into the world just like a turtle does but I was also wary and only revealed a little of the real me just like a turtle.  I kept that shell of protection around the vulnerable parts of myself so that I couldn’t be hurt.  I shielded my heart, mind, and soul so that nothing could touch me. 
Reading this now makes me wonder what I missed all those years.  At the same time I look back and remember the blessings God gave to me in spite of myself.  My children, family, friends, and life-changing experiences are blessings that even today bring joy and smiles to me.  He alone could penetrate that hard shell and He did.
While I was writing that last sentence the Chronicles of Narnia book The Voyage of the Dawn Treader by C. S. Lewis came to mind.  The boy Eustace is turned into a dragon.  When he had learned his lesson Aslan the Lion appeared to him.  We learn what happened from Eustace himself:
“Then the lion said — but I don’t know if it spoke — You will have to let me undress you. I was afraid of his claws, I can tell you, but I was pretty nearly desperate now. So I just lay flat down on my back to let him do it.
“The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I’ve ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off. You know — if you’ve ever picked the scab of a sore place. It hurts like billy-oh but it is such fun to see it coming away.”
“Well, he peeled the beastly stuff right off – just as I thought I’d done it myself the other three times, only they hadn’t hurt – and there it was lying on the grass, only ever so much thicker, and darker, and more knobbly-looking than the others had been. And there was I smooth and soft as a peeled switch and smaller than I had been. Then he caught hold of me – I didn’t like that much for I was very tender underneath now that I’d no skin on — and threw me into the water. It smarted like anything but only for a moment. After that it became perfectly delicious and as soon as I started swimming and splashing I found that all the pain had gone from my arm. And then I saw why. I’d turned into a boy again. . . .”
C.S Lewis, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader.
Much of the last 13 years have been my “peeling years”.  God has peeled away the thick layers of protection I had wrapped around myself.  Much of this peeling, like Eustace’s, was extremely painful but knowing it was for my good made it a pleasure.  It was “such fun to see it coming away”.  He ripped off the disguise I had used to hide from the world and others and myself began to see and know the Ginny He’d created me to be. 
“After that it became perfectly delicious and as soon as I started swimming and splashing I found that all the pain had gone from my arm.”  The pain I felt during those years is gone.  Yes, I have physical pain but it pales in comparison to the soul searing agony I experienced as God tore away the scales from my soul.  The colors of creation increasingly become more vivid than I could have ever imagined.  The music of the world whether it be birds, voices, melodies, etc. sounds sweeter as each day goes by.  The vividness of God’s creation overwhelms me daily and it is such a joy to truly be alive.
The hope I have is that as wonderful as my life is now I can’t wait to see what eternity with Jesus will bring.  The colors and sounds and joy and peace and so much more are miracles I cannot imagine.  God’s word tells me that:

I for one cannot wait to see and hear what He has prepared for me!
Father,
Thank you for loving me enough to tear away the shell of protection I erected in my life.
Thank You for penetrating that shell even when I resisted.
Thank You for the colors and sounds of this world that make me rejoice.
Thank You most of all for the hope of an eternity with You because of Jesus Christ.
In His Name,
Amen.

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Do I Deserve:

Thoughts for Cheri:
November 11, 2003
Feelings of Detachment:
“I think this feeling has its roots in my experience in 1963.  Since I blamed myself for my family’s problems, I detached myself from close relationships.  If I wasn’t a part of anything I didn’t have to take responsibility for my mistakes or for anything bad that happened.  I wouldn’t be hurt again like I was then.  I also missed out on many wonderful experiences because of this.  I sense this changing nowI’m able to reveal myself and my thoughts and feelings to others without fearing rejection.”
“Maybe that last word is it!  Maybe I thought no one would want to have anything to do with me if I got close enough for them to know the ‘real’ me.  Is that what detachment is all about?  And the inability to look people in the eyes?  The eyes reveal so much about a person.  Have I not wanted people to know me because I thought I was such a terrible person?  Did I think I deserved to be treated the way he treated me as punishment for my ‘sins’?  Interesting thoughts!  I believe the answer to all these questions is ‘yes’!”
“Did I think I deserved to be treated the way he treated me as punishment for my ‘sins’?”  Hindsight is 20/20.  I see now how insecure and worthless I felt during those years.  I didn’t fight back, I didn’t stand up for myself because I thought I deserved to be treated with no respect or love.  I hid who I was and adapted to the desires of others for so long that I lost myself.  Yet, because I was a Christian there was always this deep felt sense that this was wrong.  I had done nothing that deserved between treated this way by the one who had vowed to love, honor, and respect me.  He didn't have the right or authority to judge me.    
There is One who has the right and authority to judge me.  He is my Creator.  Thankfully He offers mercy and grace instead of the justice my sins have earned me.  All I have to do is accept the offer made possible by His Son when He suffered, shed blood, and died on the cross.
The answer to the question "do I deserve mercy and grace" is NO!  I deserve judgment for my sins.  However, Jesus undeservedly accepted what I deserve and because of His sacrifice mercy and grace are mine.  
Please, if you doubt that you are worth being treated with love and respect look to the One who loves you so much that He gave His Son for you.  Allow the One who died for you to permeate your entire being and fill you with His love.  You are not worthless.  No one is.  That’s a lie Satan spins to keep us from God’s love.  Allow God to touch your heart and change your life.  He alone is able.
Father,
You gave Your Son to die for me.
There is nothing I can do or say to deserve such a gift.
Mercy and grace are mine instead of the judgment I do deserve.
Thank You!
In Jesus’ Name.
Amen

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Joy Unspeakable


Journal Entries:
November 8, 2003
“Wonderful day!”
November 9, 2003
“What a glorious day!”
November 10, 2003
“Great day!  I had a letdown this evening.”
November 11, 2003
“Underlying sadness today but still joy.  That is such a strange mixture.”
November 12, 2003
“Still dealing with sadness.”
November 13, 2003
“This has been a tough week but I am walking through it.  I had a good but sad day.  Cried a little but not too much.”
These are excerpts from my journal that I found interesting.  I believe they’re a reflection of life.  Happy days and sad days.  Easy days and hard days.  Most often a day contains a myriad of emotions.  God has given us the time we have and fills each day with enough joy and sorrow to draw us to Himself.
The statements that jumped out at me were “Underlying sadness today but still joy.  That is such a strange mixture.”  All these years later I don’t see this as a strange mixture at all.  I now walk through life, every bit of it, with joy.  Remember what Jesus said:

When Jesus enters a life He brings many things with Him.  One of these is an abiding and full joy that the most terrible circumstance cannot diminish or destroy.  How marvelous is this Joy Unspeakable!  As you listen to this wonderful song read the words so they can penetrate to the deepest level of your soul.

I have found His grace is all complete,
He supplieth every need;
While I sit and learn at Jesus’ feet,
I am free, yes, free indeed.
Refrain:
It is joy unspeakable and full of glory,
Full of glory, full of glory;
It is joy unspeakable and full of glory,
Oh, the half has never yet been told.
I have found the pleasure I once craved,
It is joy and peace within;
What a wondrous blessing, I am saved
From the awful gulf of sin.
I have found that hope so bright and clear,
Living in the realm of grace;
Oh, the Savior’s presence is so near,
I can see His smiling face.
I have found the joy no tongue can tell,
How its waves of glory roll;
It is like a great o’erflowing well,
Springing up within my soul.
I hope you have this joy unspeakable in your life.  If you have Jesus, you do.  You just need to tap into the resources He brings to your life each day.  You do this by spending time with Him and in His word.  He really is all we need. 
Father,
Thank You for sorrow that causes me to seek Your face.
Thank You for joy unspeakable that makes the sorrow sweeter.
Thank You for all the days and times of my life.
In Jesus’ Name,
Amen

Monday, October 24, 2016

His Time or Mine?

Journal Entry:
November 7, 2003
“Went right to counseling after work-hard but great session.  I realized I have felt guilt over what happened to my family in 1963.  It wasn’t my fault but as a child I thought it was.  Also realized how far I have come in so many areas.  Praise the LORD!  ‘Thank You Lord.  I do love You so much!’”
I remember this session with Cheri.  I don’t remember what Cheri asked me that revived this memory but I remember telling her about it.  I know it was from God because I needed to remember so that I could heal.
In 1963 my parents, brother, and sister were living in Georgetown, KY.  My dad was pastor of a church we had started and we were content there.  I had made many good friends in the 3 years we had lived there.  I had begun playing clarinet and was looking forward to being in the band when I went into 7th grade the next year.  It was a great life for a 12 year old.  Then everything changed.  I won’t go into detail but things happened and we ended up leaving the church and moving to Lexington. 
When I give my testimony I use the woman with the issue of blood as a starting point.  The following is taken from my testimony:
“A comment made by my mom to a friend of our family as we were leaving town affected me for the next 40 years of my life.  What she said doesn’t matter.  It really didn’t even have anything to do with me.  However, in my young mind, I interpreted her comment to mean that I was responsible for what had happened to our family.  I know now that isn’t what she meant.  But at that moment, without realizing I was doing it, I detached myself from life.  I kept on breathing but my lifeblood, my passions, my joy, began to seep out of my body.  The hemorrhage, while tiny, had begun.”
This is what I remembered on that day in 2003 with Cheri.  It was such an ‘aha’ moment!  It was such a healing moment!  Relating this experience to her and exploring the feelings it aroused in me brought such freedom to the young girl who had been hurting all those years.  My healing was not complete because others wounds over the years had to be faced and dealt with but at least the flow of blood began to slow a bit.  This was the memory I needed to continue my journey.  God’s timing is perfect!
I don’t in any way blame my mom.  If I told you the comment that was made you, as an adult would say, “How in the world did that statement make you think you were at fault?”  In looking back and knowing the situation I know exactly why I thought that.  I took the comment as a criticism of something I did.  It wasn’t.
We need to remember that Satan is on the alert for anything he can use against God’s child of any age.  He whispers accusations to make us doubt God and His mercy.  I don’t know what the answer is to keep things like this from happening especially to a child.  There may not be an immediate answer in this fallen world.  As an adult I’ve learned to recognize those moments and rebuke Satan with the name of Jesus but that’s a difficult concept for a child or even a young person.  I know my mom had no idea of what happened.  I also know God knew the whole time and, just like the woman with the issue of blood who was healed by Jesus after 12 years, He knew the exact time I needed to remember this moment and began the healing process.  I don’t know why this particular day was that time but He does. 
This reassures me that whatever I may be walking through today God knows and cares, and His purpose is being and will be accomplished in my life through all circumstances.  It will be in His perfect time not my imperfect idea of the best time.  The question today is, do I want to do my will in my time or do I submit my life to the will and timing of the One who loves me most.  

Father,
Your timing is perfect.
I don’t always understand it.
I do trust You.
Therefore, I trust You timing in my life.
In Jesus’ Name,
Amen

Friday, October 21, 2016

I Surrender All

Thoughts for Cheri continued:
November 5, 2003
“Several of my friends have asked me how I lived like that for so many years.  I tell them about the frog that was placed in the kettle of cold water on a stove.  Then the heat was turned on and the frog eventually was boiled to death.  I was that frog.  I just got used to it and thought that was how it was supposed to be.  In the last few years I began to think differently.  Something was wrong; I wasn’t cherished or treated like a wife should be.  I started asking God to change my marriage, my husband, and me.  He did.  He was in the process of showing me how to be a better wife and mother by using Proverbs 31.  I believe He was convicting my husband but that Satan was also working on him and Satan won.  He could have chosen to confess, repent, and allow God to work a miracle in our marriage and family.  I believe he knew me well enough to know that if he had done this and given me the choice I would have chosen counseling to try and save our marriage.  He didn’t want that so he gave me no choice.  I do pray for him that God will work a miracle in his life."
“I’m ready to move on to the hard questions.  I want to face my past and learn from it.  I want to become the person I was created to be and fulfill the purpose God planned for me.  I am both scared and excited about the journey I am on, but I know I am not taking it alone.  God is with me every step of the way and He has placed some wonderful people in my life to help me.  I am ready to fly!”
I started asking God to change my marriage, my husband, and me.  He did.  This is what stands out to me as I read these paragraphs.  It doesn’t really matter what the circumstances were or are.  What matters is that I sought God and He answered.  When I started seeking His help my desire was for Him to “fix” my marriage.  And I know He could have worked His miracle in our lives.  However, it does take two to tango and my ex didn’t want to dance.  He already had another partner in the wings. 
God didn’t heal my marriage but He did heal me.  Even though it has been an extremely painful and difficult process He delivered me from a toxic relationship into a wonderful life.  When I read today's entries I recalled that  in my quiet time this morning I read Psalm 40:
He truly did take me out of a slimy pit and set my feet on firm ground.  What a blessed reminder from my God of what He has and is doing in my life.
I trusted in Jesus when I was 9 years old.  I’ve always had a great faith even in those difficult years.  I believe that my life was firmly set on the foundation of my faith in Jesus Christ since that day.  However, that day that I asked Him to change me was the day Jesus became Lord of my life. Since I surrendered all to the One who surrendered all for me my life is no longer my own. 


I am in the hands of the One who loves me most, my Blessed Savior.  There is not a better place to be than set firmly on the Rock of Ages.
“I’m ready to move on to the hard questions.”  With God’s guidance and Cheri’s help I did move on to the hard questions.  I am still learning and growing because as a child of God I believe that continues until the day this body of flesh dies and I am raised to new life.  It’s rarely an easy journey but it’s always rewarding when I leave the destination and travel plans in the hands of God.  Who is your travel agent on this life journey?  I hope it's the One who knows the path best.
Father,
You hear my cry day or night and You answer.
You always do what’s best for me no matter the circumstance.
Thank You for the joyful and painful times You’ve used to conform me to Your will.
That’s the best place for me to be.
In Jesus’ Name,
Amen.

Thursday, October 20, 2016

I am Valuable

Thoughts for Cheri continued:
November 5, 2003
 “I thought about the feeling I have had that the past 32 years have been wasted.  I decided that, even though I might not have been where God wanted me to be because of choices I made and of ones that were made by my ex, they were not wasted years.  God doesn’t waste anything.  I believe God is going to restore to me what I’ve lost.  It will be done in His will and His time but that is what I desire.”
“I thought about the feeling I have had that the past 32 years have been wasted." This was 13 years ago.  I still believe that God doesn’t waste anything but recently God gave me a different way of looking at this.  God knew before I said yes to a marriage proposal what my marriage was going to be like.  God knew each and every decision that would affect my life.  God knew!
God is never surprised by what happens in and to His creation.  I don’t understand this but I believe it.  His word tells me that He works ALL things for my good.  He sees the good, bad, and ugly and weaves these into His plans for me.  Before I was born He set into motion events and relationships that have and will direct me to His purpose for my life, the reason He allowed me to be born in the first place.  Again, I don’t understand this but I believe it.  Remember:
I don’t know if this is making any sense to those reading this.  I know my finite mind cannot fathom the depth of this infinite God.  I’m glad I can’t.  I don’t want to worship a god I can understand.  I desire a God who is infinitely more than I could ever comprehend.  The God of the Bible, the Creator of the universe, the Savior of the world is just that.  I don’t understand why He did but I’m thankful He chose me as His child.
“I believe God is going to restore to me what I’ve lost.”  The thing is, in looking back I realize how much He gave me in those years that I thought were wasted.  First of all of course are my kids and grandkids.  I love and cherish them more than I can say.  But beyond that the experiences, friendships, and lessons learned are immeasurable to me.  They’ve added immeasurably to the woman I am today.
He has restored things I lost.  He has restored relationships with family and friends old and new.  He has renewed my confidence, my feeling of worth, and my sense of security.  He has reawakened the sense of wonder I had as a child.  He’s given me a job I always thought I’d enjoy and it’s also my ministry.  He’s given me a lovely dwelling place where I can rest and be restored each evening and a sweet little puppy with whom I can share my life.  Best of all He’s restored the JOY of my salvation and my relationship with Him through Jesus Christ!  His presence in all the days of my life is what’s given it value.  I matter because He says so.
Father.
Immeasurable, Almighty God!
Thank You!
In Jesus Name,
Amen

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Amazed!

Thoughts for Cheri continued:
November 5, 2003
“I had another victory this week.  I voted Tuesday morning.  I have voted before but I usually had someone go with me.  I was nervous that morning but I got ready, left early, and drove around the block to Hunsinger Lane Baptist.  I went in and there were 3 tables there.  I wasn’t sure what district I am in so I actually asked for help.  I don’t usually want to do that.  Even in stores I will look and look for something instead of asking a clerk for help.  The voting process was different from Spencer County so I had to ask for help again.  I had butterflies in my stomach the whole time but I DID IT!  And I survived!  I felt so good when I walked out of there.  I feel like each little victory is so important and another step towards my healing.”
This may seem like a silly insignificant thing to some people but if you’ve ever been where I was at this time you’ll understand this.  Sometimes today it’s hard for me to remember the frightened submissive (not in a good way) girl I was then.  I was afraid of “bothering” people.  I didn’t feel I mattered or deserved to be treated kindly or with respect.  I would actually walk around a store looking for something and leave without it instead of asking a clerk for help.  I was really pitiful!
I do remember this morning that I voted.  I woke up with the fear in the pit of my stomach.  It was a fight the whole morning:  getting ready, getting in my car, driving the short distance to the church (I almost decided to drive right past it), walking in the building, asking for help, and actually voting were all small victories in the major war I was fighting.  I also remember the sweet feeling of success I felt as I walked to my car.  There are not really words to describe the sense of accomplishment and relief that washed over me that morning.
When I think about the person I became while I was married I’m amazed what God enabled me to do with and in my life.  I raised 3 kids who in spite of circumstances are responsible successful adults.  I took care of our home: cooking, cleaning, and all the chores that go with raising a family.  I did a multitude of jobs in church and did them well I think.  I, a city girl, helped run a dairy farm milking cows, taking care of calves, driving tractors, helping build 3 grain bins, and much more.  Besides my kids that was the best part of my marriage.  I loved living and working on a dairy farm.
I also helped my husband start a trucking business with our own semi-tractor trailer and traveled the road with him. 
Just like with the farming I loved the traveling and even the work, just not the constant fear that went with it.
I went back to school and graduated from the University of Kentucky with honors with my BA in Elementary Education.  I even took some classes at Southern Baptist Theological Baptist Seminary and had a 3.6 GPA.  Family issues kept me from finishing but I value that experience to this day.
I’m not bragging on myself for these things.  I stand amazed in the presence of the One who enabled me to be able to do this and more under the circumstances in which I was living.  I know for a certainty that I did nothing in my own strength.  That’s still true to this day.  That fact that He enabled this frightened submissive girl to not only do these things but to do them well is testimony to my Father’s amazing mercy, grace, and love and to the strength I have in Christ Jesus.  Looking back at this has reminded me that no matter my circumstances God does give me just what I need and more.  Like Paul I can say:
All of these experiences, good and bad, go into making me who I am today.  The presence and provision of God are the only reasons this is so.  I know, and I’ll share more about this later, I would not be alive today if it wasn’t for my faith and God’s loving arms holding me through the deepest despair I ever felt.  So as thankful and happy as I am for these blessings in my life they are nothing compared to the blessings I have as a child of God who is covered by the blood of Jesus Christ.  All of these things are temporary.  Only faith in Christ is eternal. 
Before I close this post I want to say something.  When I type in these entries I rarely have a preconceived idea of where it’s going to lead me.  Some days I am totally surprised at the thoughts God places in my heart that flow through my fingers to the keyboard.  Today is definitely one of those days.  As I began I thought it was going to be about this frightened submissive girl who overcame fear in this once instance.  Instead God reminded me of the times He enabled me to do what seemed impossible.  Isn’t He amazing?!
Father,
As much as I love words I am speechless when it comes to Your amazing grace.
I am overwhelmed by Your amazing love.
I am overcome with gratitude at Your amazing provision and protection of Your child.
Thank You!
In Jesus’ Name,
Amen

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Choose love not fear

Thoughts for Cheri continued:
November 5, 2003
“We always said we never knew what would upset him.  He would laugh about or shrug off something we thought would make him angry and blow up about some trivial little thing.  When we would say this his response was to laugh and say that he like it that way.  I was just thinking about this.  This is not the way a husband and father should be.  His family should be able to trust him, to believe in him, and to come to him with anything.  He is supposed to be a representative of our heavenly Father.  Not perfect, but striving to be like him.  He seemed to take great joy in tormenting the very people he was supposed to love, cherish, and care for.  We could not depend on him.”
“Even when I wasn’t with him but with other people doing fun things, he was in the back of my mind.  I was concerned about his reaction to what I was doing or to how long I would be gone or to if I had done everything I was supposed to do or was I spending too much money.  I really cannot remember anything I totally enjoyed while I was with him.  I have had more enjoyable and good times in the last few months than in the last 32 years.  Sad!”
I find it to be interesting that almost this whole section is “red”.  This does seem sad but at the same time I see hope in these words.  Even though he was not the husband he should have been I knew that the One who promised to be my Husband loved me. 
I knew this even back then but God has proven it over and over and over in the past thirteen years.  I know that in future posts I will recount times when He provided for me as my Husband.  It’s such a joy to be perfectly loved by this One who knows me best. 
Even though he was not the father to my kids he should have been not one of them turned their back on their heavenly Father or ever doubted His love for them.  Besides His own loving presence He provided men like their Uncle Bill who showed them what a loving father is and does.  I’m extremely thankful for this.
I’ve heard stories of people who doubted God’s love because of the lack of love from one who should have loved so it astounds me that God planted His love for us deep down inside where it took root and has blossomed over the years.  Amazing!
The influence of a person who controls another person is always present even when they’re not.  The weed of fear is deeply embedded and is carried with you wherever you go.  It becomes “normal”.  It’s astonishing to me that the seed of love God planted overtook the weed of fear that threatened to destroy the crop of blessings God had for my kids and me.   
“I have had more enjoyable and good times in the last few months than in the last 32 years.”  Blessings unmeasured have been mine since I wrote this.  Yes, I’ve had difficult days.  That’s called life.  But even in those dark days God’s light and love have shone through any clouds.  He’s never left my side.  I know there are those who think people like me are delusional.  The sad fact is they can’t know this presence until they accept that He is Creator, Sustainer, and Savior of all who call on the name of Jesus.  My prayer is that the light of God’s love will permeate the darkness that fills the souls of so many today.  It truly is the best and only hope for humankind.
Father,
Thank You is so inadequate when I consider the love You’ve shown to me and my kids.
You have kept Your promise to be my Husband and their Father.
You have filled me with Your light and love.
Open hearts and lives to the blessings of knowing Your Son.
In His Name,
Amen. 

Monday, October 17, 2016

Forgiven, Forgiving, and Loved!

Thoughts for Cheri:
November 5, 2003
“Cheri asked me if I was ready to think about the good times we had in our marriage and family.  There were some good times.  Vacations were few but we kind of enjoyed the two or three we had.  Holidays, birthday, and other special occasions were times of enjoyment.  Sometimes on Saturday of Sunday afternoons we would get in the car and drive to a new area and just sight see.  Those were good times.” 
“However, no occasion or activity was totally enjoyable.  First, it was usually what he wanted to do.  We very rarely got to choose the event or activity.  If it was something the kids or I wanted to do he would be in a bad mood and complain most of the time.  In fact, my sister told me at Praise Gathering this year that if we had still been together she would not have asked us the use the 2 tickets because he would have complained the whole time.  She was right!”
“Even if we were having a good time the underlying fear that we would do something wrong or something would happen to upset him and it would be ruined was always there.  It was like walking on eggs.  It usually was ruined.  I asked my kids separately what their feelings were about any good times we had and they each responded with, ‘He ruined them’.”
I became rather sad while reading over this.  Even today, all these years removed, these are still my thoughts.  I cannot remember one time that was totally enjoyable.  “Vacations were few but we kind of enjoyed the two or three we had.”  If my memory is correct (which at my age is questionable) J we only took two vacations in 32 years.  One was to visit Pat and Bill in Mississippi and we stopped at Opryland on the way home.  The other was a driving trip through Missouri.  I can’t remember another one.  Like I said, sad.
“…my sister told me at Praise Gathering this year that if we had still been together she would not have asked us the use the 2 tickets because he would have complained the whole time.” I didn’t realize at the time how freeing these words were to me.  It wasn’t just my kids and me who saw this.  I had been brainwashed into thinking that I was the problem.  It may sound funny but I like the fact that my family still welcomed him and treated him kindly at family events even though they didn’t enjoy his company.  They had no idea how he treated us because we hid it well.  They just knew he was my husband and the father of my children so they welcomed him.  That’s the love of a family, isn’t it?”
“Even if we were having a good time the underlying fear that we would do something wrong or something would happen to upset him and it would be ruined was always there.  It was like walking on eggs.  It usually was ruined.  I asked my kids separately what their feelings were about any good times we had and they each responded with, ‘He ruined them’.”  This hurts my heart when I think about my kids growing up with this.  It would be easy for me to live in regret and recrimination that I didn’t do anything about it.  However, praise be to God I’ve been forgiven by Him and my kids and have forgiven myself.
Forgiven.  What a beautiful word!   Most days I’ve forgiven my ex.  Most days I’ve forgiven myself.  Everyday I’m reminded I’m forgiven by God.  It’s in that reminder that I’m able to ask Him to help me forgive again.  I realize that my ex really doesn’t care if I forgive him or not.  The only one it hurts is me.  Unforgiveness makes one bitter and angry.  Forgiveness is freeing. 
“It may sound funny but I like the fact that my family still welcomed him and treated him kindly at family events even though they didn’t enjoy his company.  They had no idea how he treated us because we hid it well.  They just knew he was my husband and the father of my children so they welcomed him.  That’s the love of a family, isn’t it?”  The love of a family.  My family has shown me more love over the years than I could ever deserve.  Even when I’m not easy to love because of all my issues they still loved me.  Over the past 13 years they’ve shown me a love that has supported, encouraged, and uplifted me every day.  I would not be the woman I am today without my entire family:  Children, sister, brother, brother-in-law, grandchildren, nieces, and nephews.  I’ve also been supported by friends who are family because of our relationship with Jesus and the fact that they have exemplified the love and support He talked about for His followers.
 

Father,
I am so undeserved of Your forgiveness yet You give it freely.
Thank You!
Remind me of this when I’m tempted to be unforgiving.
In Jesus’ Name,
Amen