Choose love not fear

Thoughts for Cheri continued:

November 5, 2003

“We always said we never knew what would upset him.  He would laugh about or shrug off something we thought would make him angry and blow up about some trivial little thing.  When we would say this his response was to laugh and say that he like it that way.  I was just thinking about this.  This is not the way a husband and father should be.  His family should be able to trust him, to believe in him, and to come to him with anything.  He is supposed to be a representative of our heavenly Father.  Not perfect, but striving to be like him.  He seemed to take great joy in tormenting the very people he was supposed to love, cherish, and care for.  We could not depend on him.”

“Even when I wasn’t with him but with other people doing fun things, he was in the back of my mind.  I was concerned about his reaction to what I was doing or to how long I would be gone or to if I had done everything I was supposed to do or was I spending too much money.  I really cannot remember anything I totally enjoyed while I was with him.  I have had more enjoyable and good times in the last few months than in the last 32 years.  Sad!”

I find it to be interesting that almost this whole section is “red”.  This does seem sad but at the same time I see hope in these words.  Even though he was not the husband he should have been I knew that the One who promised to be my Husband loved me. 

I knew this even back then but God has proven it over and over and over in the past thirteen years.  I know that in future posts I will recount times when He provided for me as my Husband.  It’s such a joy to be perfectly loved by this One who knows me best. 

Even though he was not the father to my kids he should have been not one of them turned their back on their heavenly Father or ever doubted His love for them.  Besides His own loving presence He provided men like their Uncle Bill who showed them what a loving father is and does.  I’m extremely thankful for this.

I’ve heard stories of people who doubted God’s love because of the lack of love from one who should have loved so it astounds me that God planted His love for us deep down inside where it took root and has blossomed over the years.  Amazing!

The influence of a person who controls another person is always present even when they’re not.  The weed of fear is deeply embedded and is carried with you wherever you go.  It becomes “normal”.  It’s astonishing to me that the seed of love God planted overtook the weed of fear that threatened to destroy the crop of blessings God had for my kids and me.   

“I have had more enjoyable and good times in the last few months than in the last 32 years.”  Blessings unmeasured have been mine since I wrote this.  Yes, I’ve had difficult days.  That’s called life.  But even in those dark days God’s light and love have shone through any clouds.  He’s never left my side.  I know there are those who think people like me are delusional.  The sad fact is they can’t know this presence until they accept that He is Creator, Sustainer, and Savior of all who call on the name of Jesus.  My prayer is that the light of God’s love will permeate the darkness that fills the souls of so many today.  It truly is the best and only hope for humankind.

Father,

Thank You is so inadequate when I consider the love You’ve shown to me and my kids.

You have kept Your promise to be my Husband and their Father.

You have filled me with Your light and love.

Open hearts and lives to the blessings of knowing Your Son.

In His Name,

Amen.