Amazed!

Thoughts for Cheri continued:

November 5, 2003

“I had another victory this week.  I voted Tuesday morning.  I have voted before but I usually had someone go with me.  I was nervous that morning but I got ready, left early, and drove around the block to Hunsinger Lane Baptist.  I went in and there were 3 tables there.  I wasn’t sure what district I am in so I actually asked for help.  I don’t usually want to do that.  Even in stores I will look and look for something instead of asking a clerk for help.  The voting process was different from Spencer County so I had to ask for help again.  I had butterflies in my stomach the whole time but I DID IT!  And I survived!  I felt so good when I walked out of there.  I feel like each little victory is so important and another step towards my healing.”

This may seem like a silly insignificant thing to some people but if you’ve ever been where I was at this time you’ll understand this.  Sometimes today it’s hard for me to remember the frightened submissive (not in a good way) girl I was then.  I was afraid of “bothering” people.  I didn’t feel I mattered or deserved to be treated kindly or with respect.  I would actually walk around a store looking for something and leave without it instead of asking a clerk for help.  I was really pitiful!

I do remember this morning that I voted.  I woke up with the fear in the pit of my stomach.  It was a fight the whole morning:  getting ready, getting in my car, driving the short distance to the church (I almost decided to drive right past it), walking in the building, asking for help, and actually voting were all small victories in the major war I was fighting.  I also remember the sweet feeling of success I felt as I walked to my car.  There are not really words to describe the sense of accomplishment and relief that washed over me that morning.

When I think about the person I became while I was married I’m amazed what God enabled me to do with and in my life.  I raised 3 kids who in spite of circumstances are responsible successful adults.  I took care of our home: cooking, cleaning, and all the chores that go with raising a family.  I did a multitude of jobs in church and did them well I think.  I, a city girl, helped run a dairy farm milking cows, taking care of calves, driving tractors, helping build 3 grain bins, and much more.  Besides my kids that was the best part of my marriage.  I loved living and working on a dairy farm.

I also helped my husband start a trucking business with our own semi-tractor trailer and traveled the road with him. 

Just like with the farming I loved the traveling and even the work, just not the constant fear that went with it.

I went back to school and graduated from the University of Kentucky with honors with my BA in Elementary Education.  I even took some classes at Southern Baptist Theological Baptist Seminary and had a 3.6 GPA.  Family issues kept me from finishing but I value that experience to this day.

I’m not bragging on myself for these things.  I stand amazed in the presence of the One who enabled me to be able to do this and more under the circumstances in which I was living.  I know for a certainty that I did nothing in my own strength.  That’s still true to this day.  That fact that He enabled this frightened submissive girl to not only do these things but to do them well is testimony to my Father’s amazing mercy, grace, and love and to the strength I have in Christ Jesus.  Looking back at this has reminded me that no matter my circumstances God does give me just what I need and more.  Like Paul I can say:

All of these experiences, good and bad, go into making me who I am today.  The presence and provision of God are the only reasons this is so.  I know, and I’ll share more about this later, I would not be alive today if it wasn’t for my faith and God’s loving arms holding me through the deepest despair I ever felt.  So as thankful and happy as I am for these blessings in my life they are nothing compared to the blessings I have as a child of God who is covered by the blood of Jesus Christ.  All of these things are temporary.  Only faith in Christ is eternal. 

Before I close this post I want to say something.  When I type in these entries I rarely have a preconceived idea of where it’s going to lead me.  Some days I am totally surprised at the thoughts God places in my heart that flow through my fingers to the keyboard.  Today is definitely one of those days.  As I began I thought it was going to be about this frightened submissive girl who overcame fear in this once instance.  Instead God reminded me of the times He enabled me to do what seemed impossible.  Isn’t He amazing?!

Father,

As much as I love words I am speechless when it comes to Your amazing grace.

I am overwhelmed by Your amazing love.

I am overcome with gratitude at Your amazing provision and protection of Your child.

Thank You!

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen