Motives

Thoughts for Cheri:

My friend Hilda asked me why I felt a need to know what my ex is doing.  She wondered if it was like picking at an open sore.  This was my reply:

 “As to your question about keeping up with what my ex is doing.  I appreciate your honesty and caring enough to ask because it makes me think.  Actually there are several reasons I feel a need to know what he is doing.”

“First, I was married to him for 32 years and I can’t just forget about him overnight just because he’s forgotten about me.  At first I wanted to know what was going on with him because I wanted to hear that he was missing me and suffering.  That’s still true to a certain point.” 

“Another reason is my kids.  They are out in that area and they hear and see things.  At first they wouldn’t talk to me about things because they didn’t want to upset me.  Now they are opening up to me and I want to be able to talk to me about anything.  Also, if he’s doing anything to hurt them and I can do anything about it, I will!  I know as a mother you understand that.”

“Hearing about how he is acting is actually helping me to heal, believe it or not.  It is opening my eyes to the kind of person he is.  I’m not saying it doesn’t hurt sometimes but that is happening less and less.  I feel like I need to get the pain out into the open and deal with it.  Avoiding it and burying it will not help me heal.  Now when I do think about him and even miss him some I’m able to think about who he really is and it helps.  I’m realizing more and more how God protected me and my kids and how blessed we are to be out to that situation.  I look back and see how we were treated and know I’m glad to be free.”

“My friends out there are another reason.  Because I know the people and the situation they can use me as I sounding board and I’ll understand and pray for them.  I appreciate their trust and wanting to keep in touch with me.”

“Terry and Monnie are a very big reason for my interest.  They have stuck with me through this hard time.  His friends are using my life to attack them.  They need someone who knows and understands the situation but is not directly involved in what is going on at the church to talk with.”

“After this is over I’ll not keep up with so much unless it affects my kids.  I don’t feel the need to anymore.  New and wonderful things are happening to me and I’m becoming more involved in my new life.  I really have no desire to see him or his friends.  I’ve asked God to protect me from this until and unless I’m strong enough to handle it.  He will!”

“I was feeling guilty about what was happening out there since it is my ex and they are using my pain and family as an excuse to attack Terry.  Cheri has led me to realize it is not my fault and I have nothing to feel guilty about.  That’s a good feeling, believe me!”

Hilda responded that this helped her to understand and she told me to “give Cheri a hug from us and tell her that it is from admirers who are grateful for her talent that she is using with our friend”.

I debated on sharing these thoughts.  I wrote them to share with Cheri as part of my counseling.  I’m really trying not to bash my ex but he’s a major part of my story and these thoughts are so important and I hope maybe helpful to someone who reads them who may be experiencing something similar.  This experience taught me a wonderful lesson about friendship and motives.

A good friend is not afraid, and cares enough to, ask the hard questions.  A good friend wants what’s best for you no matter the cost.  A good friend is willing to walk that difficult path with you.  That’s what Hilda did for me.  Her question brought to light feelings I hadn’t yet confronted.  I needed this.  Her concerned question made me think about my motives.  Some were good, some were not so good.  Wanting him to suffer is not such a good motive.  I have to admit that even today, 13 years later, there are moments when that ugly desire for payback rears its head.  Thankfully God has brought me to the point where I recognize it for what it is and has given me the wisdom in how to deal with it.  Thankfully too, those moments grow farther and farther apart.

Wanting to protect and support family and friends is a good motive.  Wanting to support Terry and Monnie is a good motive.  However, even right motives can lead to wrong thoughts and actions.  I needed to pray as the psalmist did:

When I do this He comes through every time.  He reveals my motives for truth and helps me change.  The truth is, sometimes it’s painful but it’s always therapeutic and healing.  He never takes me through anything that is not for my benefit.

 Accepting my motives enabled me to deal with them through prayer and talking with Cheri.  Confronting my motives freed me to be able to move on with my life.  It also freed me from the false guilt I was feeling.  Freedom in Christ is the only true freedom that can be found.  I hope you have found this freedom for and in your life.

Father

Thank You for friends who love me enough to ask the hard questions.

Teach me to be that kind of friend.

Thank You for taking me through the difficult times that help me grow.

Thank You for the freedom that is found only in Your Son.

In His Name,

Amen