Holding to the Hope I Profess

One Week of Living this New Life:

Journal Entry May 4, 2003

“Went to SECC and after to a Chinese restaurant with Bob and Hilda.  They are so sweet!   Went to Walmart to get Tim a UK pillow and went to his surprise party.  (Friends gave him a surprise apartment warming party).   It has been a good day but I’m scared and sad.  ‘Lord, please help me to take one day at a time—to do what I can today and not worry about tomorrow.’”

May 5, 2003

“Went to look at an apartment-smelled awful. ‘Lord, thank You for each new day—help me to use the time You give me wisely.’”

May 6, 2003

“Tanya called—she is ‘wonderful’.  I am so thankful!  Talked to my lawyer-doesn’t look great cause of all of the debt.  I have to list my expenses and what I am taking (from the house).  She is going to try to get me what she can.  Talked to Pat and then cried and prayed.  This is so hard!  ‘Lord, please tell me what to ask for.’”

May 7, 2003

“Found an apartment on Six Mile Lane!  1 bdrm & washer/dryer. I am applying for it tomorrow.  ‘Lord, please let Your will be done.  Be with me as I apply for the apartment and go to the doctor Thursday.’”

May 8, 2003

“Eventful day.  Went to gynecologist.  I really like her. Had tests and checkup.  Will do more tests later.  I will find out about apartment tomorrow.  ‘Father, I want Your will only.’”

May 9, 2003

“Apartment manager called.  I got it-move in 2 weeks PTL!  ‘Thank You Lord for the trials and victories.  Help me to trust solely in You.  Thank You for the people You have placed in my life.  Bless each of them’”

May 10, 2003

“Good day-got mail at Mt W., activated bank card, did some shopping and walked through Meijer’s dreaming and planning.  Went to Dollar Tree-it is great.  Spent rest of day at Ann’s.  Read, watched TV, filed my nails, took a bubble bath, and lathered on lotion.  Polished nails while I listened to a Max Lucado book.  Just a wonderful relaxing day.  ‘Lord, thank You for time to rest.  Be with me as I worship and learn tomorrow.’”

Sunday through Saturday.  Interesting week.  So many new experiences: 

• Chinese food-not a fan but found something I liked.
• Meeting friends of Tim I didn’t know.
• Foul-smelling apartment.
• Talking with my married daughter.
• Consulting with a lawyer about alimony.
• Renting an apartment.
• Having a nice relaxing day doing just what I wanted to do without feeling guilty.

I’m thankful God is leading me down this memory lane.  Being reminded of how I did call out to Him and how I did depend on Him daily for whatever I needed.  He never let me down.  In fact, He showered me with unexpected gifts of mercy and grace.  He protected me every day.

The May 8^th entry about the gynecologist has an interesting back story.  I hadn’t been to one since I’d had surgery in 1978.  After my sister and friends heard about H’s lifestyle they insisted I get checked.  I was extremely nervous and resisted but their insistence won, thankfully.  Of course, like with the dentist, I wanted a woman doctor.  And like with the dentist her office was close to work. 

Note:  All of my tests came back fine.  God’s protection again!

I was treated with the utmost respect and kindness by everyone in this office.  The concern they showed for my health and welfare did much to renew my faith in people.  I had never lost my faith in God but it was extremely hard for me to trust other people because I’d had to guard my words and actions for so long.  The small steps I made in this week were just the beginning of a new life God had already prepared for me.  The thing was, I had to take those steps.  God didn’t force me to do anything, He just opened the doors for me to go through. 

It has been reassuring to discover that I didn’t blame God.  I don’t remember asking Him why this happened to me.  I take no credit for this.  I know He knew what was going to happen in my life and through His Spirit He prepared me over the years.  I do remember needing Him so desperately every day.  That has not changed.  Thirteen years later I still need Him desperately and am still clinging to the faith and hope found in Him alone.  This verse expresses what we must do all the days of our lives:

Father,

Remind us daily that it is in You we find hope.

It is only You who never fails us.

Remind us daily of Your word that says:

Because God wanted to show His unchangeable purpose even more clearly to the heirs of the promise, He guaranteed it with an oath, so that through two unchangeable things,

in which it is impossible for God to lie,

we who have fled for refuge might have strong encouragement to seize the hope set before us. 

We have this hope as an anchor for our lives, safe and secure.

It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain. 

Jesus has entered there on our behalf as a forerunner, 

because He has become a high priest forever in the order of Melchizedek.

Hebrews 6:17-20

In His Precious Name!

Amen

Normal

Random Thoughts

Journal Entry from May 3, 2003

“Tim and I spent the day in Winchester at Bill’s dad’s house.  Very restful.  Carter (he was a baby) took a nap on me while I lay on the couch.  It was wonderful.  Went to Bill’s cousin’s house to watch the Kentucky Derby and have pizza.  Took Tim home to his new apartment in Bardstown.  This morning when I picked him up was the first time I’ve seen it-it’s really nice.  Got to Ann’s-washed clothes and read the paper.  I am going to Southeast Christian Church with the Berryman’s in the morning.  ‘Lord, please guide me and help me to find a place to live soon.’”

I was going to include several day’s entries when I started this post.  However, after reading this I was struck by how normal I sounded and how great this day was.  I promise you that in later entries some days will not be so great, some will be downright terrible, and some will be downright wonderful.  But isn’t that life?  We have good days and bad days, easy days and hard days.  I’m so thankful that God in His mercy and wisdom gives us “normal” days to enjoy in the midst of trials and difficulties.  I see these days as opportunities to breathe, to catch our breath so we can face the next day that may be the hardest one yet.

I also look at the references to people in this entry.  Tim, Pat, Bill, Rebecca, Carter, Stacy, George, Jenny, Maddy, Ann, Hilda, and Bob are the names of people who touched my life this day, by their presence, their welcoming spirit, and/or anticipation of being with them.  So many times in the coming days, weeks, months, and even years I remember feeling so very alone.  Just this simple brief journal entry reminds me I was and am never alone.  God has surrounded me with people who love me, who care about me, and who will be there for me.  And even if for some reason they cannot be, He is ALWAYS with me, ALWAYS for me, ALWAYS loving me!

I also see the variety of activities.  Driving to and from Winchester with my son was a treat.  Spending time at Stacy’s house was always special.  Knowing I was welcome as part of the family meant so much to me.  Resting with a baby sleeping on you is always a treat and I remember feeling peace as I lay there listening and feeling his quiet breathing.  Time with family and friends laughing and eating pizza was healing for me.  Seeing the nice place my son was living in was reassuring about his life and gave me a hope about finding my own apartment.  The normalcy of washing clothes and reading a paper was grounding.  The anticipation of attending worship with a wonderful Christian couple gave me a reason to look forward to the next day. 

Looking at this entry today has given me a renewed desire to look at each day of the rest of my life for the blessings, big and small, given by a gracious loving God.  I realize that too often I’m so wrapped up in my pain or problems that I overlook all the wonders God bestows on me each day.  I want my motto to be:

Father,

I close this posting by asking You to bless each reader with things great and small.

Touch lives with a whisper, a prayer, and a hug.

Daily bring Your love, peace, and joy into each life.

In Jesus’ Precious Name,

Amen

Tiny Rays of Sunshine

The Wedding!

Journal entry April 26, 2003

“Finished up Tanya’s dress.”

April 28, 2003

“Not a real good day—down—but Tanya’s shower at work was nice.”

April 30, 2003

“’Lord, help me to get through the next 2 days—to honor You and to be there for Tanya—make this time special for her.’”

May 1, 2003

“”Off work.  Pat, Rebecca (niece), and Carter (great nephew) are at Ann’s.  Pat & I went to pick up cakes and to rehearsal.  It went well.”

May 2, 2003

“I left for R.V. for wedding.  H. was there-it was hard.  Had a great time with Tanya, Michelle (matron of honor), Michelle's daughter, and Wayne (Tanya’s soon to be stepson).  Wedding was wonderful.  It was a wonderful and difficult evening all rolled into one but it was great for Tanya and Roger.  Now I take care of me for a while.”

As I read my journal searching for wedding entries I was a little amazed that I hadn’t written more about it.  I took some time to think about that.  I had to remember that I was living in my friend’s basement while trying to help my daughter with her wedding and figuring out my next steps.  In looking at what I wrote in that week I saw I didn’t write much.  Thinking back I believe I allowed myself to live in the moment, enjoying this time with family and friends.  I wrote about the important things:

• having lunch with my kids and friends
• driving around looking at apartments
• watching Gaither videos
• talking to friends and family on the phone and by e-mail
• watching a Liz Curtis Higgs video
• packing up stuff at the house
• and several sweet conversations with Ann

In other words, I was living life in the moment.  I look at all the blessings God gave to me in the midst of this sad difficult situation.  I look at the glimpses of life He gave to me as a promise of what He was going to do in, for, and with my life.  I see the people He provided to walk alongside of me every day.  He is so good!  Lamentations 3:22-23 came to mind:

God has proven this time and time again in my life, not just after my divorce but during those days of my marriage when things were not what they should be between a husband and wife.  During those moments I doubted that I was worthy of being loved by anyone I somehow knew I was loved by my heavenly Father.  After my marriage ended He lavished His love on me in ways that I still can’t comprehend.  He still is.

I haven’t forgotten this is about my daughter’s wedding.  It truly was a beautiful day.  She was surrounded by family and friends who loved her.  The simple yet deeply felt vows reminded me that love does exist.  The support of others for me that night helped me to enjoy Tanya’s special day.  My friend Judy went above and beyond by organizing the reception even to the point of leaving the church to buy the ingredients we forget for the punch.  What a true friend!

One of my favorite moments happened when Tanya was getting ready.  My sister’s husband Bill (there will be much more about this man later) was the best at tying bows in our family.  Tanya wanted him to tie the bow on the back of her wedding dress.  Bill went Home in 2013.  I’m so grateful for this picture because it shows the kind caring man he was. 

Through the twists and turns of this path called life I’ve learned it’s the small blessings that make my heart sing the loudest.  Yes, big blessings are wonderful but if we don’t take time especially on the dark days to see the tiny rays of sunshine God sends into our lives we miss so much.  If we focus on the light of God the darkness will dissipate with the rising of the Son.

Guiding light.

God’s guidance day by day.

Journal Entry from April 22, 2003

“Went to Bible study.  Good meeting but not sure I belong at R.V.  Thought I was sure but am still seeking.  ‘God, please show me where You want me to be.’”

April 24, 2003

“Rough day-probably my lowest.  Cried, felt abandoned.  Went to house and packed up kitchen stuff.  My pastor called and asked me to stop by.  Spent 2 hours there-poured out much hurt and poison I had inside.  He informed me of some things that were happening.  Listened to H.’s ‘confession’ before the church.  It was his same old blame others.  I need to move on.  I am looking at an apartment in Bardstown tomorrow.  ‘Lord, help me make the right decision about where to live.’”

April 25, 2003

“Went to employment agency while I was in Bardstown.  Sat there 45 minutes waiting and Spirit working in me-I was in the wrong place.  Called apartment and cancelled appointment to look.  I am moving to Louisville and staying at my job for a while.  I am also leaving R.V.  H. needs it more and the Pastor can help him if he will allow it.  I feel much better and right about this decision.  I am going to look for an apartment but my main focus this next week is my daughter’s wedding.  ‘Lord, thank You for working in my life.  Please help me to follow You always.’”

We can’t just sit around waiting for God to tell us what to do.  Often it is in the doing of something that we hear His voice or see His hand and know what to do, which way to go.  If I had just sat around Ann’s wringing my hands and crying out to Him I would still be there. (Not really!  Ann’s sweet but she would have kicked me out long ago I’m sure).  It’s in taking that first step of faith no matter how difficult or scary it is that we show God we trust Him and we really want an answer.  It’s also in being willing to get up and walk out when His Spirit moves in us. 

Noah had to gather the materials and build an ark.

Abraham had to get up and leave his home. 

Moses had to leave the sheep in the desert and return to Egypt.

The Israelites had to leave the only home they’d ever known and journey to the unknown.

Esther had to enter the presence of the king without assurance she’d live to tell about it.

Mary had to believe an angel who gave her a fantastic promise.

Joseph had to risk ridicule and believe the angel who told him to marry his betrothed.

The apostles had to leave their livelihood and follow this man called Jesus.

Saul had to trust the very ones he’d been persecuting.

Ananias had to minister to the one who had been persecuting fellow believers.

Throughout history we see those who took one step of faith and then another.  Some of them did great things.  I’ve know many saints over my lifetime who served faithfully and quietly one step at a time.  Their names and deeds will not be noted by this world but when they stand before their Savior and King their reward will be great.  It’s not the size of the deed, it’s the faith shown in the life lived.  I’m learning not to worry about what God calls me to do daily.  I’m learning to be open to opportunities to obey and to make a difference no matter the size. 

As I look back on those few days I see God’s hand that eventually led me to where I am today.  I know without a doubt that on this day, June 27, 2016 I’m where I’m supposed to be doing what I’m supposed to do.  It may change tomorrow but that’s one of the best joys of serving God.  I don’t have to worry about tomorrow because He’s got it in His hands.

Small Deeds

Sometimes it’s the smallest deeds that make the biggest difference.

Journal entry from April 21, 2003

 “Made a dentist appointment for tomorrow at 12.” 

Why in the world would I take note of entries concerning a dentist appointment?  There is a story behind this amazing fact.  Here it is:

In my marriage one didn’t go to the dentist just for checkups.  One didn’t go to the doctor unless you were extremely ill.  It cost money and illness was not tolerated very well.  We were not supposed to ever get sick.  It became a normal way to live.  My kids didn’t go to the dentist till they were grown.  Sad but true.

Over the years I had been to the dentist 2 or 3 times to have a tooth pulled.  When we separated I had a broken tooth that had never been looked at because it didn’t cause me any pain.  The sad thing is I worked for an insurance company that provided me with dental insurance.  I still couldn’t go to the dentist.

As soon as I was in charge of my own life I decided to have my teeth examined (not my head which I needed too!  That came later.).  There was an all-woman dentist office right down the street from our office so I decided to go there.  At that point in my life there were not too many men I trusted so I certainly didn’t want to go to one I didn’t even know. 

Journal entry from April 22, 2003 

”Went to the dentist.  Good experience.  Several problems but not as bad as I expected.” 

I remember this first visit as being a pleasant experience which is not the usual reaction when you go to the dentist.  I explained my situation to the dentist who was so very kind.  Because my teeth had never been cleaned she divided my schedule into 4 appointments doing ¼ of my teeth each time.  She only charged me the normal for 1 cleaning.  Set up appointments over a 2 week period for my cleaning.  I remember feeling cared about when I left there.  It was a great feeling.

Journal entry from April 29, 2003

“Dentist appointment was good-they are so nice.”

Journal entry from May 12, 2003

“Went to dentist-had broken tooth fixed.”

Journal entry from May 19, 2003

“Got 2 teeth filled.”

Journal entry from May 29, 2003

“Went to dentist for check-up-Sonja said I’m doing great; I’m a prize patient!”

Journal entry from June 3, 2003

“I went to the dentist and they were wonderful.  They are so nice.  They had me dip my hands into paraffin-it felt so good.”

Journal entry from June 17, 2003

“Went to dentist and got crown put on-I am finished!  PTL!  They are so nice!”

It was always a pleasant trip.  One thing I remember in particular is something Sonja, the dental hygienist said after I told her a little about my treatment during my marriage:

“I tell you what.  You just bring that man here and put him in my chair and I’ll show him what pain is!’

She made me laugh.  I needed that.  Looking back this is one of the Godwinks I see from that difficult time.  Sometimes the little things mean the most when the way is sad and difficult.

Why am I sharing about my dental experience on this blog about my journey after my marriage ended?  I had lived with abuse and neglect for so long that this kind attention touched me a very deep place.  The simple kindnesses done by the staff at this dentist office soothed my hurting soul like a healing stream rushing over and through me.  I see it as the beginning of God’s healing in my life.

When I look back on the small and big kindnesses done for and to me during the hard years I understand why it’s so important to me to be an encourager.  You never know when a welcome word, a sweet smile, a hardy hug, or a helping hand might be just the thing someone needs to make it through that day or even that moment.  I know because I’ve lived it. 

If I can help somebody I will not have lived in vain.

He is Risen!

 April 20, 2013, Easter Sunday Journal Entry:

“It is Easter morning.  I am so nervous about church.  Lord, please give me the right attitude and words to say.  Make this a day of new beginnings for me as it was for all creation when Jesus rose!  Hallelujah!”

“Sunday School and Service went well.  People were glad to see me.  H. was there too.  It hurt to see him act as if everything was wonderful.  It’s such a sad situation.”

We were very involved in this church.  It was the church he grew up in.  Our kids were baptized there.  We had left it for a time but had come back a couple of years before this and were quite at home there.  He was a deacon, I sang in the choir and in a trio, and we both taught Sunday School.  Our lives pretty much revolved around church.  We had friends who felt like family and it was home.  That’s why this was so hard for me. 

Again, I won’t go into some of what happened that Sunday or things that were said and done during this time.  Some of it was very hurtful but looking back I again see God’s hand of protection as He was leading me in the right direction.  There was one particular situation with a person who I thought was my friend.  Turns out she was anything but my friend.  There was a sense of unease in my spirit about that relationship that I know now came from the Holy Spirit protecting me.  To this day I am thankful for those who showed me so much love and support.  Some of them remain in my life today. 

As much as it hurt I needed to let go of the past even of the “good” things and move forward into the life He always had planned for me.  Letting go of this place and these people was difficult but necessary.  I claimed God’s promise found in Isaiah:

I won’t say letting go was immediate.  In the coming weeks I will share the twists and turns of the path I was on for several years to come.  In fact, there are still moments today when I believe God leads me to recall people, places, things, and events so that I can let go of them.  Some things I’ve had to let go of numerous times.  It’s amazing the many ways He has helped me to heal and find the Ginny He created me to be before I was born. 

My favorite hymn is “It Is Well with My Soul”.  I hope if someone reading this is in a difficult season that this song will encourage and strengthen your faith.  Listen and let God's Spirit minister to you.

AMEN!

Everyday Moments

This is the day that the Lord has made; 

let us rejoice and be glad in it.

Psalm 118:24

Over the next few weeks I did write in my journal.  Some days it was a sentence or two.  Other days I wrote more.  Much of what I wrote is about how my day went and what I did.  I also recorded scriptures, lessons, and prayers from my quiet time each day.  In the next several postings I’d like to share some of what I wrote. 

April 13:

“Joshua 9: ‘the people did not inquire of the LORD (v.14) so they made a bad decision and had to honor it’.  14:12-14: ‘God stopped the sun’. God gives us what we need when we as, when we trust Him, and seek His face and will.  Quoted: ‘Relax in Jesus’ arms’.  Father, I know You are preparing things for me even now.  Help me to relax in Your arms and to trust You.  Light my path one day and step at a time.  Give me Your strength, peace, and joy.  In Jesus’ Name, Amen”

April 14:

When I read over this day’s entry, I was amazed at a dream I’d had.  There was an unavoidable situation with friends that day that made me feel rejected all over again.  This is what I wrote:

“My mind understood.  My heart felt rejected.  I think God wanted me alone and sad.  He really spoke to me about forgiveness-mine and others.  Also, I dreamed H. (my husband) dropped a lot of things and I picked them up-like I am now picking up the pieces of my shattered life.  Then someone shot at me pointblank but I wasn’t hurt.  God always has, is and will always protect me.  Lord, thank You for Your presence in my life; please guide me and help me to hear Your voice only.”

April 16:

“Rough day.  I felt sad most of the day.  Signed divorce papers.  It does hurt so bad Lord. Spent time at the house packing.  Tim found an apartment in Bardstown.  I asked Ann about staying through May.  She didn’t give me a yes or no yet.  Please help me find a place for me Lord! 

April 17:

“Still a grieving day.  It was a rainy dark day and my mood matched.  I was on the verge of tears all day at work.  Went to the house to pack up stuff and a friend came by to talk.  I felt much better.  Swung through Mt. Washington to get a coke at McDonald’s and there was a full rainbow over Taylorsville.  God’s promise to me-He will not forsake me and His word never fails.  Ann said there would be no problem with me staying till June.  That does take some of the pressure off.  Father, thank You for Your promises, presence, and power in my life."

April 18:

This was Good Friday.  I spent time at the house until H. showed up.  There were several things that involved other people so I don’t want to go into detail but will say it was a most difficult day for me.  I was still trying to make choices on where to live, what to do about church, who to trust among the people with whom we had both been friends.  So much to sort out.  My prayer that day was:

“Father, give me strength and wisdom today.”

April 19:

“Spent the day quietly: reading, groceries, went with Ann to pick up Tanya’s dress, then we went to KFC and Walmart.  It was a nice easy day I needed.  Talked to all three kids.”

When I read this entry my thought was, “How great is our God!”  This was an emotional and difficult weekend for me.  He gave me a true day of rest and being loved on by family and friends on this Silent Saturday. 

Recently my sister gave me a keepsake box with a quote on it.  It sits on my desk at work.  I liked it so much that I bought a framed print of it for my apartment.  As I relive these days of my life I believe this quote expresses what God was teaching me to do.  My prayer is that when you (and you will) go through hard times you will look for God in the everyday and you will remember that:

Sisters

Preparing for the Wilderness Journey

The first week after my marriage ended was similar to the time following a death.  I think I was in shock.  Thankfully I had family and friends who walked beside me each step of the way.  My kids were especially supportive of me even though they were going through their own grieving process.  I won’t share their stories just because they are their stories.  Suffice to say they had too experienced difficulties as they grew up. 

I went to work on Monday and Tuesday of that week.  My sister Pat who lives in Georgia showed called to say she’d be there on Wednesday to help me with so many decisions that needed to be made as soon as possible.  She booked a room in a hotel for the first night so that I could just talk.  For the first time in a long time I was able to open up and be honest with someone about the state of my marriage.  It was my first taste of freedom. 

I wasn’t ready to permanently move out of the house but I didn’t want to stay there either.  I needed a refuge for a while.  A friend of my sister graciously allowed me to stay with her in her townhouse until I could make other arrangements.  This friend Ann became a dear friend to me during the time I was with her.  Her kindness and welcoming spirit were just what I needed at that time.  Pat also stayed with her for the rest of that week.  Being in the company of two such wonderful and godly women was just what this sad scared little girl needed.  The shared fellowship and food blessed me in ways I could never have imagined.  I am forever grateful.

My sister has always been older than me. J  When we were younger I resented the times when, in my opinion, she bossed me around.  (She knows this, we laugh about it now!)  As I look back I realize that most of the time she was just trying to take care of me.  Well let me tell you, I didn’t resent her caring for me at this time.  Those next few days she was with me at the lawyers when I filed divorce papers, when I opened a new bank account, and when I purchased my very first cell phone.  Her presence during this time gave me the confidence I needed to do what had to be done.  The most important thing she did was to listen to me.  Having a second pair of ears to listen as I made these decisions was invaluable to me. 

On April 12^th I wrote in my journal:

“In my Bible reading today the Israelites entered Canaan, the promised land.  They ate of its produce (Joshua 5:12) and there was no more manna.  God has been protecting and providing for me all these years but He has delivered me from Egypt (v. 9), my marriage and is bringing me into a better place.  Pat left today.”

When my sister went home she left me in the best place I could be at that stage of my journey.  Her love and support set me on the path I needed to be on to heal and eventually flourish.  What a blessing she is to my life.

There is a phrase in scripture I had never noticed before.  When I typed “sister” into Bible Gateway search I found:

“…and his mother’s sister…”  Mary was not alone at the cross.  She had the support of her sister.  I’m so thankful for my sister who stood by me during those difficult days.  The load I carried on my journey was lighter because she stood by my side.

I entitled this blog post as Preparing for the Wilderness Journey because I was no longer in Egypt but I certainly wasn’t in my own personal promised land.  It would take a long trek before I arrived there.  God was preparing me to enter the desert where I learned to solely depend on Him.  First a wedding, then the journey begins.

Healing Steams of Love

            I’ve seen this picture on my computer before and thought it was amazing.  When I saw it again today this time of reading my journal and recalling this major event in my life gave me a new thought about this miracle of God’s. 

When I look at the left half of this picture I see my life for the 32 years of my marriage.  I existed in a dark, murky atmosphere where the person I was meant to be disappeared from view.  I didn’t know what my purpose for living was.  Of course things didn’t become as clear as the water on the right the week after my marriage ended but my view of one aspect of those 32 years began to come into focus.  When I was told that he had never loved me I stopped wondering why I was treated badly by a person who claimed to love me and had vowed to be faithful till death did us part.  That was rather enlightening to say the least!

I love the ocean.  Anyone who knows me will tell you I love being near water and I’d live right on the ocean if I could.  Oceans, lakes, ponds, rivers, brooks, and creeks draw me closer to the Lord.  The sounds, scents, sights, and feel of water refresh my soul.  The ocean air rejuvenates my body, mind and soul.  

When I reflect on the happenings of the weeks following April 4 I see how God used people, places, and events to do the same.  He began to revitalize and refresh the innermost part of my being almost immediately.  At first it was tiny like a trickle from a rock formation but over time it has become a gushing flowing overwhelming assurance of His presence in my life. 

The Holy Spirit began pouring healing streams of love over me before April 4, 2003.  In the coming days I’ll share stories of the ways my life was amazingly impacted by these floods of sadness, despair, caring, and love.  The peace of God moved through my life just as Isaiah said:

Hold on.  The journey has just begun and God is about to take this daughter of His on an amazing and wild ride.  I hope you'll join me and be blessed in the doing so.

Ain't God Good!

God is good. I know that.  Reflecting on the days before and after my marriage ended has reinforced this many times over.  A couple of years before this God had provided me with a job at an insurance company in Louisville, Kentucky.  Soon after I started there my daughter also obtained a job in the same office.  It was a blessing to be working with her every day.  Now it became a lifeline for both of us.

I say a lifeline for a couple of reasons.  First of all it got me out of the house and with others every day.  Another reason was some of the people with whom I worked.  God had placed me in an environment with others who loved Jesus.  Every morning we would meet at a desk and share prayer concerns and pray for each other.  During the day we would encourage one another.  When I headed to work that Monday morning I knew I would have a support system as I faced whatever lay ahead.

           My daughter helped me share the news of what had happened. My friends were caring and loving as I knew they would be. My supervisor, who was not a Christian, shared her reaction later with me during an employee evaluation.

Her words were, “When you told me what had happened I expected you to fall to pieces and to be of no use in the days to come.  That’s not what happened.  Your attitude and work have actually improved.”  My reply was, “It’s because of my faith in God and the prayers of people around me.  He’s carrying me through this difficult season.”  “Well, whatever it is keep it up”

I don’t know if a seed of faith was planted in her mind but I’m grateful for the opportunity to share what God was doing in and for my life. 

That week I spent much time in prayer and combing God’s word.  I didn’t know what the next weeks would bring but somehow I knew it would be okay.  I simple put one foot in front of the other and did what needed to be done at any given moment.  I stayed at the house at nights during the week while he was gone.  That weekend I made sure I was gone when he was there.  I needed time to process everything before making any decisions or having to deal with his questions, etc.

Let me explain the situation with the house we lived in.  This was his family’s farm where he was born and raised.  To be honest I never like the house and never felt at home there except for the fact that my kids lived there.  I was not attached to it in any way but it was of utmost importance to him.  I enjoyed living in the country and I loved it when we were farming, especially working with the dairy cows.  However, once we lost the farm I had no desire to stay there.  I sure wasn’t going to fight him for the house.  Therefore, I needed to make plans for where I wanted to live and how I would achieve this.  Thankfully I had help.  I’ll share the story of those who came beside me, supporting and providing for me in the coming days.

Remembering that week has brought tears to my eyes.  Not out of sadness but tears of gratitude for my gracious and loving Lord who provides so richly for His child no matter the situation.  The hope that I have in Jesus is so real and reassuring no matter my circumstances.  He knew before I was even thought of what I was going to face on that day and on the days to follow.  He had already laid into place the plans He had for me.  I think this is why Psalm 139 is my favorite one, especially verses 13-16:

We never know what today, much less tomorrow holds.  We must cling to the promise that our Father sees what we cannot.  He knows, He cares, He provides before we know we need anything.  This is the blessed assurance we have as a child of the King.  Claim it and see His goodness.

Pink Tennis Shoes

On Saturday April 5, 2003 I awoke to a different world.  A new day brought a whole new life for me.  For the next few days I didn’t write in my journal.  I did spend a great deal of time talking to God and He listened.  I remember a sense of calmness and well-being those first few days.  Later I will share times of despair but I know God protected me whatever my situation.

That morning “that man” (as my family took to calling him) needed to come in, take a shower, wash his clothes (I certainly wasn’t going to do that anymore!), prepare food for the next week (again, not me!), etc.  I shut myself up in the office while he was in the house.  I needed time to begin processing things and I couldn’t do it in his presence.  My circumstances may have changed but my need to protect myself and withdraw had not. 

Looking back on it I’m able to see one of the things that happened while I was sitting in the office in a humorous light.  He actually came in the office and asked me if I was ready to walk around the house and divide up the furniture.  The day after his bombshell!  Amazing.  As I remember my response was, “No, leave me alone!”  And he did.  I never did do that.  When I moved out I just took what I wanted.

That morning my son, daughter and her fiancée, and our pastor and his wife sat around the dining table talking.  I don’t remember much of what was said but I do remember my pastor saying, “We expected you to be more upset.”  To be honest, although I was sad there was a sense of relief because things hadn’t been right for so long and I didn’t have to pretend any more.  Yes it hurt but I also felt like that after holding my breath for so long waiting for the other shoe to drop it had and I survived.  I could finally breathe. 

After they left I didn’t want to stay at the house while he was there so I jumped in my car and drove to my friend’s house.  I couldn’t find anyone at home so I drove to the nearest town.  I had no idea where I was going but somehow I ended up at Walmart of all places.

I need to share a little background before I tell you what I did at Walmart.  We never had much money while I was married.  I always felt guilty when I bought anything for myself and would not spend much on clothes, shoes, or anything else.

Back to my story.  There I am wandering around Walmart with no particular purpose in mind finally ending up in the shoe section.  I decided to try on shoes and ended up buying a pair of pink tennis shoes.  Don’t ask me why tennis shoes.  I believe there must be some psychological reason for this purchase but today I see an act of defiance or independence by a woman who just needed to vent. By the way, I never did wear those shoes! 

I couldn’t go home knowing he was there at least till Sunday afternoon.  I decided to drive back to my friend’s house to see if I could find her.  She welcomed me with open arms.  We sat sat side by side on her couch as I told her everything.  She was angry and upset for me and very kind and caring to me.  I told her I dreaded going home so I ended up sleeping in a recliner in her living room.  The kindness and respect I received from her family is something I will never forget. 

We didn’t have cell phones and I had no way to let my kids know where I was.  To be honest I really didn’t think about them being concerned about me.  I just need refuge.  Sometime that weekend the phone rang and my friend said, “Yes, she’s here.”  My son who was in Virginia found me in a house in the country in Kentucky.  When I asked him how he said, “I have my sources.”  That’s all I ever got out of him.  In retrospect I’m sorry I worried them but it’s nice to know someone cared enough to track me down.

I returned to the house Sunday evening.  My world may have changed but I still had to go to work on Monday.  One of the best things about my job was that my daughter worked at the same place so I would not be alone when I shared what had happened with my co-workers.  My son, daughter, and I came together that evening to love and support each other.

As I look back on this weekend I see God’s presence in every moment.  I didn’t fall to pieces.  Even my Walmart shoe purchase gave me a sense of control over my own life.  I believe He placed in my mind the thought to go to my friend’s house where I found love and shelter.  He blessed me with a calmness that was seen by others.  I think of Isaiah 43:2: 

The waters were deep but I was never alone.  God held my hand, guided my steps, and provided who and what I needed just at the right time.  As you will see, He has done so to this very day.  The journey has been one of mountains and valleys with a winding path but He has led me every step of the way.  His hand has never let go of me and His love has surrounded me in ways that I could never have imagined on that weekend in April 2003.  I wouldn’t have missed the trip for anything and I’m looking forward to sharing my memories with you.  I pray you may be blessed in some way if you choose to walk down memory lane with me. 

Tomorrow:  Monday comes

The Tsumami Slams Into My Life

Journal posting April 4, 2003

This day started like most any other Friday at that time in my life.  I got up, got dressed, ate breakfast, and drove to work.  I worked all day, came home, let the dog out, and waited for my husband to get home for the weekend.  He called to tell me that we were going out for pizza which suited me just fine.  He pulled in the driveway, shut off his truck, gave me a hug and kiss, and off we went to town. 

We had a nice supper at a local pizza place with our normal conversation.  I look back on it and realize that he did seem preoccupied but he was quite often that way with me.  I didn’t ever seem to be his focus of attention, I realize now I wasn’t important to him. 

When we got home he told me to sit down at the kitchen table because he knew I’d been wondering about what was going on with him and that he was ready to tell me.

This is what I wrote later about that moment.

“My world fell apart today.  My husband told me that he has had numerous affairs and one night stands for almost 20 years now and that he had never loved me.  He announced that it was God’s, his parents, and my fault and that he was going to divorce me.”

I think I was in shock just as you would be after any traumatic event.  I didn’t say a word.  I went to the bedroom and he went back out to his truck where he would spend the night.  To be honest with you the rest of the night is kind of a blur.  I remember my son coming in and asking me if I was okay.  At that point I really was.  Looking back I believe I was resting in God’s arms as He prepared me for the days to come.  I do remember some other things that happened as the night progressed but out of respect for others involved I won’t recount them.  Nothing terrible, just not my story to tell. 

The one thing that’s kind of funny now happened right after he went out to his truck.  When he came home he gave me a stuffed Tweety Bird as an “early” birthday present.  I remember grabbing it up, storming out to the truck, pulling open the door, and flinging it inside.  I think my words were something to the effect of, “I don’t want this; I don’t want anything from you!”  I slammed the door and that was that.  Isn’t it something that my first real show of independence was throwing poor little Tweety Bird?  Kinda sad.   Tweety hadn’t done anything to me.

 My oldest son called and checked on me too. I remember him asking me if I was okay and I said yes.  Back to my usual pulling into my shell of safety I had built over the years.  He had talked to his father and knew what had happened so he said, “Mom, I talked to dad, how are you really?” I think I said “I really don’t know how I am.”  And I didn’t.  That’s all I remember except being aware that my children would be there for me in the coming days.  My daughter wasn’t home so he said he’d call her and tell her what had happened.  I crawled into bed and fell asleep, one of the first of many gifts I would receive from God.

I view this as a death in my life.  My dream of an enduring God-centered Bible-based marriage was dead.  The man I thought I’d married died that night too.  I knew things weren’t the way they should be but I thought he was an honorable man.  In spite of everything else I trusted him to be faithful.  It was like a dagger to my heart to learn who he really was.

I didn’t know it that night but I was about to enter a period of mourning that would lead me into the most loving, kind, merciful relationship I could ever imagine.  An overwhelming desire to know my Father more deeply and intimately was birthed from deep labor pains.   Psalm 40:1-3 became real to me as I daily cried out to God. 

Tomorrow my new life begins.