What Do I Want Counseling To Do For Me?

October 28, 2003

Cheri asked me to think about the following:

“What do I want counseling to do for me?  What do I want to be like?

“What do I want?  I want to be a whole person.  I want to be the ‘me’ God created me to be.  I want to use the talents, gifts, abilities, and personality He have me to serve Him by serving others.”

“I want to be a strong, God-reliant, God-dependent woman who can make decisions without being afraid.  I want to be able to face up to, take responsibility for, and correct when possible, mistakes I may make.”

“I want to be a strong, God-reliant, God-dependent woman who can make decisions without being afraid.  I want to be able to face up to, take responsibility for, and correct when possible, mistakes I may make.”

“I want to be willing to take risks even though it may mean failure.  I want to please God and not be a people-pleaser.  I want to be firm in my beliefs and my convictions and able to express them without fear of being rejected.  I want to know that even if everyone else rejects me, God will not!”

“I want to know I am a woman of worth.  That I matter; I count!  I want to feel a part of life instead of this terrible and lonely detachment I have lived with for so long.”

"I want to release the shame and guilt I have carried for so long and rest in the assurance that God has forgiven me.  I want to forgive myself.”

“I want to be a friend.  I don’t want to be needy, self-serving, desperate, or self-conscious.  I want to be caring, genuine, and loving.  I want to be firm, honest, and reliable.  I want my word to stand for something.”

“I want a sense of belonging; that I am not on the outside looking in.  I want to experience life, not just wish I could, I want this sense of belonging and this life to come from God.”

“I want to lose this sense of abandonment and not be afraid that people will abandon me if I do something to upset of anger them of if they get to know the real me.”

“I want to trust people while also having the wisdom that comes from God to know when I should not trust someone.”

The words in green reflect a God-given ache in my soul.  He is the ultimate Counselor and His Spirit was guiding me every step of the way.  However, He chose to allow His children to join in His kingdom work and be His hands and feet, or in this case, His ears and mouth.  He brought Cheri into my life to listen to my words and to give words that would help me heal and thrive in life.  That’s our mission because that’s what Jesus did.  We’re to be like Him.  I’m grateful that Cheri chose to obey God’s leading in her life.  She certainly touched mine in a very special way.

The words in blue sum up what I desired from counseling.  How I knew what I needed is such a gift from God.  Cheri once said that I had been made to feel invisible and Pat told me that my voice had been taken from me.  Yet here I was able to articulate quite well I think just what I needed and desired.  That can only be from God.  There’s no other explanation.  He placed these thoughts and desires in me through the presence of His Holy Spirit.  What a precious gift!

When I read this I see a woman who yearned to be the person God created her to be.  I see a woman who trusted Him to bring this about in her life.  I take no credit for this.  It comes from faith that was instilled in me before I was in the womb.  I am just thankful for His gift.

Father,

Thank You for the gift of faith.

Thank You for the gift of Cheri.

Thank You for the gift of the Holy Spirit.

Just Thank You!

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen

Godwinks

Journal Entry:

October 27, 2003

“Good day at work.  I made a mistake the other day and had to call a lady about it.  I didn’t feel panicked or try to lie.  Just admitted I goofed-big step for me!    ‘I love You Lord.’”

October 28, 2003

“Quiet day at work.  Didn’t have a sad time-big step for me!  Just a nice day.  ‘I love You Lord!’”

No red words.  Lots of blue words.  Two days in a row.  That’s what I call progress.  I previously wrote about how fearful I was of getting into trouble for making mistakes.  I would lie to keep from being blamed for something.  I remember this day well.  There was no fear and no seeking to avoid responsibility.  I admitted to the lady that I had goofed, apologized, and fixed the problem.  And guess what?  I survived and am still alive today to tell about it.  Amazing isn’t it!

Then there’s the “quiet, didn’t have a sad time, just a nice day” day.  Just a nice normal living life day.  Those were rare for me back then.  I like the fact that I was aware of how special these “normal” days and actions were. 

“Big step for me!”  Two big steps in two days!  Wow!  I’m impressed.  Not with me, but with what God was doing in and with me.  I still to this day stand amazed in His presence as He has proven over and over again to me how much He loves and cares for me. 

There have been “big” moments in these years; special events that are unexpected blessings:  Gaither concerts, meeting and getting hugs from David Phelps and Wes Hampton, trips to the beach with family and friends, swimming with dolphins just to name a few.  Things I would have never experienced in my old life and will treasure until the day I go Home. 

However, I have found in my new life that it’s the little things that also touch me deeply: 

a kind encouraging word,

a hug,

a butterfly landing on my wrist and staying there for several minutes, 

a brilliant red cardinal flying past my patio just as I step out the door,

seeing a blue heron in the creek behind my apartment,

and so much more. 

These are often called “Godwinks”; little heart touches that make me smile and glow inside.  Brief blessings that remind me I have a Father who loves me and enjoys surprising me in little ways just as much as He does in the big ways.  If I keep my ears, eyes, and heart open these winks are all around me every day.  I just need to be aware of what He’s doing in my life.  He will never tire of surprising me with gifts of and from the heart.

Father,

Giver of all that is good.

Thank You for the gifts of and from the heart you give each day.

Teach me to open my eyes to Your bountiful beauty.

Teach me to share Your generous gifts.

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen

No Fear Allowed

Journal Entry:

October 26, 2003

“Great day.  I woke up under attack from Satan.  Fear, shaking, near tears, wanting to hide, unable to breathe.  Called Cheri and asked her to pray.  Went to church and felt so loved.  Sunday School was great.  Dr. Cook preached on fear and serving God!  God dealt with me and I went forward and surrendered to full-time Christian service, what it is He wants me to do.  Went to choir and p.m. service.  Dr. Moore preached on being merciful-forgiving.  God really dealt with me today.  ‘Thank You Lord!  I love You!’”

Notes for Cheri from October 26, 2003:

“When I got home from church Sunday evening I was getting stuff ready for Monday.  I saw a small orange piece of paper lying on the bedroom floor.  I picked it up to throw away when something or Someone made me look at it.  It was a small construction paper butterfly.  I don’t remember where it came from or how or why it ended up on the floor at that particular time.  I just know that the sight of that small butterfly on the day I had surrendered to full-time Christian service blessed my soul.  I saw it as a sign from God that He is going to release me from the cocoon prison I’ve been in and I am going to burst forth as a new creation: a butterfly!  It’s a sign of hope for me.  Praise the Lord!”

Wow!  I’d forgotten about this particular day until I read this.  The memories came flooding back into my mind and heart.  I remember the panic I felt when I woke up.  It was frightening to say the least.  Knowing I could call Cheri and that she would pray for me meant so much.  I remember crying out to God the entire time I was getting ready for church.  He heard and He certainly answered in a big way.

First of all the fact that I made it out of bed and showered and dressed was a miracle.  I felt a heaviness around and in me that I know was evil trying to hinder me from going to church.  However, I serve a God who is bigger than anything that comes against me and when I call on Him He gives me the strength to go on.  I have experienced this many times in my life so I know it’s true.

Dr. Cook preached on fear and serving God!  If there is anyone who wants to tell me that the sermon topic was a coincidence I beg to differ.  I don’t believe in coincidences.  I believe in God who knows just what I need and provides it just when I need it.  Everything that happened that day was spoken into existence by God for me.  I remember sitting in the choir as he began preaching and my mouth just fell open.  I was astounded by God’s grace, mercy, and love that was shown just by this sermon. 

As I listened God’s Spirit moved in me convicting me and encouraging me to go forward and surrender to His will for my life.  I didn’t know what it would be but several months later God opened doors and today I am a ministry assistant and receptionist in a Baptist church.  My ministry is to serve others throughout my day as He leads and opportunities arise.  There are no enough words to express how grateful I am to Him for placing me where I am today. 

Dr. Moore preached on being merciful-forgiving.  At this point I was not ready to forgive.  I wanted him to suffer!  I’ve come a long way on that but I’ll admit there are still times when something happens that reminds me of hurts and I have to forgive all over again.  It does get easier with time. 

The butterfly!  I still have it:

Butterflies have become my symbol of new life and hope.  Everyone who knows me knows this.  I receive them as gifts and on cards all the time.  This day is where it started; this plain simple little butterfly.  It’s amazing the little touches God uses to encourage His child isn’t it?   

I saw it as a sign from God that He is going to release me from the cocoon prison I’ve been in and I am going to burst forth as a new creation: a butterfly!  It’s a sign of hope for me.  God has released me from that prison.  It’s taken years of struggle just as a butterfly has to struggle to break free from its cocoon.  Of course I haven’t reached the final goal yet; that’s called eternity in Heaven with Jesus.  But anyone who knew me then and knows me now will tell you I have emerged and have blossomed to live the life God wants for me.  I am soaring like a butterfly thanks to God!

Father,

You are amazing!

You use creation to touch lives.

Thank You for touching mine with a butterfly.

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen

Hope Peace Faith LOVE!

Journal Entries

October 20, 2003

“Still sad but trusting God.  Quiet evening at home.  ‘Thank You for protecting me and my children through the years.  I love You Lord!’”

October 21, 2003

“Long day at work.  I’m still sad but able to laugh.  Quiet evening at home.  ‘Thank You Lord for my many blessings. I love You!’”

October 22, 2003

“Quiet evening at home.”

October 23, 2003

“Good day at work.  We laughed and talked.  Quiet evening at home.  ‘I love You Lord!’”

October 24, 2003

“Good day at work.  Went to church for session with Cheri.  I’m making good progress-our session was great.  Home-made vegetable soup and puttered-I love puttering!  All in all-good day!  ‘I love You Lord!’”

October 25, 2003

“Stayed home today and worked on computer.  Watched UK win.  Just a day of doing what I wanted to do.  ‘I love You Lord!’”

Today I decided to concentrate on the positive.  “Quiet evening at home. (x4)  Home-made vegetable soup and puttered-I love puttering!  Stayed home today and worked on computer.  Watched UK win.  Just a day of doing what I wanted to do.”   Come to think of it I find it ironic that one day I’m crying about being lonely and the next I’m thankful for a quiet evening at home and a day of doing what I want to do.  Let me think about that for a moment!

I think when you are going through what I was at this time it’s natural to be confused.  My whole life had been turned upside down.  Everything I knew about myself had been stripped from me.  Now I was working hard to find the person I’d lost and that can be confusing too.  I’m so thankful that God’s word assures me that:

God didn’t cause my confusion but He didn’t leave me confused.  He saw my confusion and was providing resources and answers to carry me through it to the answers I needed.  In the midst of this storm of confusion raging around me I see His peace in the repetition of the words “quiet evening”.   

Another positive in this is that in the midst of my confusion my faith in God stood firm.  “Still sad but trusting God.”   ‘Thank You for protecting me and my children through the years.  I love You Lord!’  ‘Thank You Lord for my many blessings. I love You!’  ‘I love You Lord!’  ‘I love You Lord!’ ‘I love You Lord!’”  I knew where to go for answers.  I knew Who loved me in spite of my feeling unloved.  I knew Who was with me in spite of my feeling lonely.  I had no idea what the future held.  Still don’t as a matter of fact.  But I do know who holds my future and my faith is secure in Him:

Where is your faith?  In whom do you trust?  There is only one Person who will never fail you.  Put your hope and your trust in the One who gave His life for you and now stands with His Father interceding for His child:

Peace, Faith, Hope, LOVE

Father,

I’m thankful that You bring peace instead of confusion.

I’m thankful You bring peace in the midst of confusion.

I’m thankful for future is secure in You.

I’m thankful my hope in anchored in Jesus.

Thank You for loving me!

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen

What am I worth?

Excerpts from e-mail to Cheri:

October 19, 2003

“Cheri, it’s Sunday afternoon at about 4:15 p.m. and I’m not doing well at all. I had a wonderful Saturday. This morning at church was good too. Everyone was nice and caring. I talked to a few people and heard several making plans to go eat and watched friends and family leaving together. Then I went home alone and ate my microwave meal. I was down some but okay. One of the ladies in choir said they had a prayer meeting at 4 p.m. I wasn’t sure I wanted to go but I thought it would be a good chance to meet people and become more a part of the choir so I got ready and drove to church. I got there right at 4 and it was locked up. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back I guess. I got in my car and came home crying.”

“I haven’t been angry with God since this began but I’m afraid I’m getting that way now. I’ve never had a close friend but at least I had someone to do things with even if he didn’t treat me right. Now I feel like I have no one. I don’t have anyone to call and say let’s go get something to eat or let’s go shopping or to a movie or just hang out. I am so lonely. I know I have people who care but they all have lives of their own. I’ve been praying for months for a special friend and I’m so tired of it. I don’t understand why He doesn’t say yes to this and give me a friend. What have I done to deserve to be so alone? My ex has friends. At least he’s not alone. It’s not fair. I’m tired of being patient and I’m tired of trying and I’m tired of being alone. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I must be a terrible person because no one wants to be my friend. My husband threw me away and no one wants to get close to me. It hurts bad and I don’t know what to do. The only time my phone rings is when my family calls me. I am crying so hard right now that I can barely type this.”

“I don’t know if this makes sense, I just know I had to do something to get this out. I’m angry and hurt. I don’t blame people because they don’t know me but you already know I worry about things I have said or done alienating people so I feel like I’m not good enough to have friends. I must be doing something that keeps people from getting close to me. I don’t know what to do. I guess I’m just not worth much.”

“I can’t type anymore. I’m crying so hard my head hurts. I guess I won’t make it to church tonight because I’m now exhausted and there are a lot more tears to come.”

“I’m just angry and I have to yell at God. He can take it, can’t He? Please pray for me when you get this.”

I started to break this e-mail into at least 2 days blog postings but as I read it I realized it needed to stay as one heart cry for help.  I think the thing I like most about this is the honesty I see in these words.  I see a hurting soul who’s learning how to let out her emotions and to be honest with herself and at least one other person.  And I’m extremely grateful for God’s gift to me of Cheri, someone who listened, didn’t judge, and understood me.  If anything or anyone was ever a Godsend it was Cheri.

“I haven’t been angry with God since this began but I’m afraid I’m getting that way now.  I’m just angry and I have to yell at God.  He can take it, can’t He?”  Looking back I realize I wasn’t angry with God, I was angry with my situation.  I was angry with my ex.  I was angry with myself.  I felt safe with God because I knew He wouldn’t stop caring for and loving me if I yelled.  I think if I blamed Him I would’ve stopped talking to and trusting Him.  That has never happened to this day.  I learned that I can be totally honest with Him because He knows everything anyway.  And I learned that when I cry out to Him He listens.

Green words.  These words are interesting because the truth is my life is a lot like that today and I’m content.  I have lots of friends, people who love and like me.  However, I’m still alone much of the time except at work.  In the evenings I’m tired and prefer the quiet of my apartment and my puppy.  I like having caller ID so I don’t have to answer the phone unless I know who it is and I want to talk.  I have friends I go out to eat with and my friend Molly and I get together every so often and eat out, shop, or do whatever.  I think the key difference is found in:  “What have I done to deserve to be so alone?  I feel like I must be a terrible person because no one wants to be my friend.”  The truth is I don’t deserve what I have, a Savior who shed His blood on the cross so I would be saved and rose to new life so I would be with Him forever.  He didn’t deserve to be alone but He was when He was hanging on that cross.  Because He was willing to be forsaken I never will be.  And then there’s this:

I am never without a friend.  Everyone in this world could forsake me and I’d still have Jesus.  What an awesome comforting thought that is! 

Through God’s word, prayer, and counseling I’ve learned I’m never alone.  My last words to Cheri in the e-mail prove that even in the midst of this deep despair I knew I wasn’t alone.  “Please pray for me when you get this.”  I had a friend who would pray for me and a Father who would listen to her prayer. 

I want to end with thoughts about these words:  “I guess I’m just not worth much.”  If the Son of God was willing to leave His Father, walk as a man in this broken world, and suffer rejection, humiliation, pain, and death for me I am certainly not worthless.  Neither are you.  I am covered by the blood of Jesus Christ!  Are you?

Father,

You hear the heart cry of Your broken child.

You not only hear, You respond with love and compassion.

What an awesome God You are!

I love You so!

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen.

Love one another!

Journal entry:

October 18, 2003

“What a wonderful day! New members breakfast at a member’s home. Several people from my class were there helping. I enjoyed talking to the young seminary students. The food was excellent. Praise God for these wonderful people. Did some shopping, home, cleaned apartment, and puttered around. Listened to UK football game and watched a Gaither special. What a great day! ‘Thank You, Lord. You are so good to me! I love You!’”

October 19, 2003

“Sunday School and church were great. After that it was a hard day. I watched families and friends leave together and I felt so alone. Went home to a microwave meal. Back to church at 4 because there was supposed to be a choir prayer meeting. Locked up tight. I started crying. Went home and cried most of the rest of the day. I am so lonely. ‘Lord, please help me to focus on others and if I am doing something wrong please reveal it to me. Thank You for always being with me. I love You and I choose to believe You and Your word.’”

What a contrast in days.  Reading this these many years later I believe I see what happened.  On Saturday I attended an event where everyone was alone.  Except for the hosts and people helping them we were all new to Ninth & O.  I belonged.  I was one of them.  And my focus wasn’t on myself.   

“I enjoyed talking to the young seminary students.”  I was focused on others.  These were young people away from home and in a new environment.  I remember that they didn’t know anyone else there that day.  I had people from my class who knew my name and was welcomed warmly by them.  Two things to note about this:  I took the focus off myself and I was comfortable talking with people I didn’t know.  Big steps for this girl.

Sunday.  “I started crying.  Went home and cried most of the rest of the day.  I am so lonely.”    Notice who the focus is on: “I”.  Instead of being grateful for a sweet time of study, worship, and fellowship I pouted.  That’s just a plain fact.  I’m not saying my feelings didn’t matter.  I’m saying that instead of pouting I could have done something.  Reached out to someone.  And when no one was at church at 4 I reacted differently than I did on Saturday:  “Did some shopping, home, cleaned apartment, and puttered around.  Listened to UK football game and watched a Gaither special.”  Instead of enjoying my time at home I cried. 

Now listen, loneliness is a real emotion and it hurts.  However, I’ve learned that sometimes I choose loneliness instead of choosing to reach out to others.  I’ve realized over the years that a quick cure for loneliness is to find another lonely person and invite them into your life.  Sit by someone who’s alone at church, call an acquaintance who you know lives alone, call a family member and talk to them.  I will tell you there are days that I’m preaching this to myself.  I’ll admit that this is not easy for me even today, but I am doing better. 

Learn to seek out the lonely.  On days when you’re having a wonderful time don’t forget what it feels like to be lonely.  Don’t overlook the person sitting quietly in the corner.  Don’t pass by the stranger sitting in the pew.  Get out of your comfort zone because that’s where God works best.

I really like this quote:

When you care you will do something.  So ask God to help you to care.

After all, Jesus Himself said to:

Love like Jesus.  What a wonderful world that would be!

Father,

I want to love like Jesus.

I fall far short of that goal.

Place in my heart the love He has for me.

Then let it spill over onto others.

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen

Hands and Feet

Journal entry:

October 17, 2003

“I wrote my feelings and e-mailed them to Cheri. (cont.)

“I think I took another positive step Monday the 13th. I have been wearing my mother’s ring with my kids’ birthstones in it on my left hand where my wedding rings were. I moved it to my right hand. Up till then I felt like I had to have something on that finger. It feels like a major step to me, an acknowledgement that the marriage is over and I am single. I’m surprised that it actually feels good.”

“I will say that I hate being divorced. I don’t hate not being married to him because I don’t ever want to live like that again. I just hate the image the divorce conjures up in my mind. I never thought I would be a divorced person. I know it’s know my fault and that biblically I’m okay. I guess this is just another area to deal with.”

“I know I’m making progress. I’m glad I decided to write these thoughts. It’s helping me to remember, clarify, and deal with many things. I’ll continue to do this.”

       The ring. Seems like a small thing but it I remember how difficult it was. It wasn’t difficult to take the wedding rings off. I did that immediately the first night. It was difficult to not have a ring on that finger. I’d worn them for 32 years. I’ve stated before that I had a certain pride in being married and those rings represented that to the world. It made me sad when I looked at that ringless finger. I think I wore the ring representing my kids because it reminded me of the best that came out of those years.

       I remember the first day I went to work without a ring on that finger. No one fainted or pointed or ridiculed me in any way. No one even noticed. My friends and coworkers saw me. They didn’t shun me for having a naked ring finger. This may seem silly to some but for me like so many other experiences during this period it was freeing. Being able to conquer the smallest issues helps when the major ones hit.

      Divorced. All these years later I still don’t like being divorced. (I always hear Tammy Wynette sing when I say or type DIVORCE!) J I will say it has given me a greater understanding of and sympathy for those who have walked this journey. What some people don’t understand is that divorce is a death. A marriage once so full hope and life has died. It’s sad and it’s hard. The stigma that still goes with being divorced in some circles it difficult to cope with too. A person going through divorce walks through the grief process just as someone who experiences the loss of a loved one. The problem is often they walk it alone. I’m so grateful for family and friends who not just walked with, but on occasion carried me throughout this journey. God calls us to be His hands and feet and they certainly have been and still are that for me.

      If you or someone you know is going through a divorce or has been through one and has not dealt with the consequences, please seek out someone you can talk with, cry with, and heal with. Jesus is always with us if we have Him as our Savior. However, He asks each of us to be there for those who are hurting. I am available on this blog, Facebook, or at rejectedrestoredrevitalized@gmail.com for any woman who would like to contact me. My heart’s desire is to minister in the name of Jesus to women who are hurting just like I’ve been ministered to over the past 13 years.

Father,

You are my comfort and my refuge.

What a joy it is to know You are always with me.

Thank You for those who are willing to be Your hands and feet.

Thank You for the opportunity I have to give others the comfort You’ve given to me.

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen.

Passions from God

PASSIONS

Journal entry:

October 17, 2003

“I wrote my feelings and e-mailed them to Cheri.  (cont.)

“I never watched anything bad because I wasn’t interested, but any TV was a waste of time.  Reading was a waste of time.  Just being was a waste of time.  I did so many things and went to so many meetings that I didn’t really want to go to over the past 32 years that no wonder I am tired.  I am still working on the concept that I have the right to make decisions about what I want do or do not want to do.  It’s frightening and exhilarating at the same time.”

“I never watched anything bad because I wasn’t interested, but any TV was a waste of time.  Reading was a waste of time.  Just being was a waste of time.  I did so many things and went to so many meetings that I didn’t really want to go to over the past 32 years that no wonder I am tired.  All I can say about this is God has shown me that nothing He gave me as a passion like reading, writing, music, UK basketball, love for animals, etc. is ever a waste of time as long as I keep them in their proper place.  I’ve also learned that I can miss a meeting or an event and the world would keep on spinning. 

“I am still working on the concept that I have the right to make decisions about what I want do or do not want to do.  There’s so much meaning in this sentence.  I was 52 years old when I wrote this!  At that age I was discovering that I had the right to make my own decisions.  That’s sad on one hand and great on the other.  Sad because I was an adult but had not been treated like one for years.  Great because I had been delivered from a difficult situation and God was providing the way for me to grow and become the adult He created me to be.

I will say it took me several years to reach the point where I am comfortable doing what I want to do.  Even now in 2016 there are moments when I’m doing nothing that a slight tinge of guilt touches me.  Having fibromyalgia can make this interesting.  In the last few months the pain and fatigue have greatly increased.  I find that after pouring what energy I do have into my job every day I am exhausted when I get home.  I do what’s necessary for myself and my puppy and then I sit and rest.  And I’ve learned to reject the guilt and realize that it’s okay.

As an aside, those who know me will know why I love the fact that this is the symbol for fibromyalgia:

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I had been diagnosed with this disease while I was married.  I don’t think it would’ve been pretty.  I’m thankful God has placed me in a spacious place where I can rest in the evenings without being ridiculed or feeling guilty.  He has truly blessed me.

It’s frightening and exhilarating at the same time.”  I like this sentence.  I like that I wrote this back in 2003 just 6 months into this journey.  To me it’s proof that I was beginning to feel, to live life, to enjoy my passions.  I hadn’t done much of that except when it came to my kids.  The one thing that’s important to know is that I loved raising my kids.  Yes there are things I wish I’d done differently but I think we could all say that.  However, I loved and supported them the best I could.  They are the brightest and best results of those 32 years of my life.  But now God was opening up to me a life that was frightening because it was different and full of possibilities I’d never had before.  And it was exhilarating for the same reasons. 

I am finding that the things I have a passion for in this life are the things I use to connect and share with others.  Many times these things open doors to friendships and opportunities to minister to and witness to others.  God places passions into each life; it’s what we do with them that counts.  He wants us to use them for His kingdom but it’s our choice.  I didn’t have a choice for so long and it’s wonderful, affirming, and freeing to have that choice today.  I choose to live out my passions as a child of God.

Father,

You’ve given me a unique array of passions in this life.

Teach me how to serve You best with each of them.

Open me up to opportunities to share You with others because of them.

Thank You,

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen

Grace

Journal entry:

October 17, 2003

“I wrote my feelings and e-mailed them to Cheri.  (cont.)

Random Thoughts sent to Cheri:

“Even when he was on the road, I had to be busy all the time.  He had me so scared that if I wasn’t doing anything when I talked to him on the phone I would lie and say I was.  I would lie about watching UK games or other TV.  When I forgot to do something I would say I had done it and then did it.  I also lied for the kids.  I didn’t realize till now how scared I was of him and I still am to a certain degree but I’m getting over it.  I do still feel that knot in my stomach sometimes when I think about him or when I do something I know he wouldn’t like.”

Sharing this was not easy for me.  Admitting that I lied is humbling.  It’s taken me 13 years to be able to do this.  Up till now Cheri is the only one I’ve told about it.  I felt safe with her.  I’m sharing it now in the hope that someone who may be experiencing something similar reads this and will be encouraged. 

It helped me to know that the only reason I lied was to protect myself and my kids.  That doesn’t make it right but it is understandable.  I also know that the fear and the need to protect myself carried over into other parts of my life, especially my job.  Making a mistake at work was devastating.  If there was a way for me to lie my way out of it I did.  When I couldn’t I would tremble in fear and break down in tears. 

At the time I wrote this email I was still dealing with this fear.  It’s only been in the last couple of years that I’ve realized I don’t do this anymore.   When I make a mistake I admit it, apologize if appropriate, and try to remedy the situation.  No one has disowned me, unfriended me, or stopped loving me because I made a mistake.  I don’t using lies as a coping mechanism anymore because I no longer fear.  God’s perfect love has driven out fear just as His word promises.  What a relief.

Satan does try to throw my past lies in my face every now and then.  But you know what?  I’ve confessed my sins to my Father and He has forgiven me once and for all.  I just remind Satan of that and his voice is stilled.  I remind him that God’s word promises me that:

God doesn’t just forgive, He forgets.  When I stand in His presence at the end of my life He will not say, “Well, Ginny, I remember all those sins you committed in your life.  Let me just make an accounting here and see if the good outweighs the bad.”  No, Jesus will say, “Father, this is one of mine.  She’s covered by the blood I shed on the cross for her sins.”  And to me He will say, “Welcome Home!”

Because:

Father,

“Grace, grace God’s grace.

Grace that is greater than all my sins!”

Thank You for Your grace.

In Jesus’s Name

Amen 

A Father's Love

Journal entry:

October 17, 2003

“I wrote my feelings and e-mailed them to Cheri.  (This is the first paragraph).

Random Thoughts sent to Cheri:

“Wednesday afternoon after I got home from my follow-up mammogram I was physically, emotionally, and mentally worn out.  It was only about 3 pm.  I called everyone I needed to call to let them know how my test went and I was just sitting in my chair watching TV.  I started feeling guilty like I should be doing something, anything, that just sitting relaxing was wrong.  I realized that I had been programmed for 32 years.  Sitting and not doing anything any time at all was a sin.  You were supposed to be doing something from the time you got up until the time you went to bed.  When he was home and working outside I would be helping him or working inside.  If I sat down for a moment to rest and he walked in, he would either give me that “look” or say something like “It must be nice!”  If I happened to have the TV on, I would turn it off like a kid doing something wrong.  If I was eating something I would hide it.  If he smelled Doritos on my breath I was in big trouble.  Then he would be on me to do something.  Heaven forbid if you didn’t get dressed first thing in the morning and stayed dressed till bedtime.  I could never just lounge around in my pj’s and robe.”

I think this posting pretty well speaks for itself.  When everything you say, do, think, or enjoy is ridiculed you begin to believe you’re a failure.  You’re wrong about everything.  And you begin to try to be like the person who’s controlling you.  That’s what happened to me. 

People have asked me why I stayed.  First of all, I meant my vows before God.  That was enough.  However, I also relate to the story of the frog place in a kettle of cold water.  When the heat is slowly turned up and the water begins to warm she adapts to the change.  Finally it begins to boil killing her.  That’s what my life was like.  It was so gradual and it was being done by someone I trusted, someone who was supposed to have my best interest at heart.  It became my normal.

I’m so thankful today to know that there was Someone even then who had my best interest at heart.  Some might ask if that was true why He left me in that situation.  God never promises to remove us from troubles and trials.  He does promise to walk through them with us.  I can honestly say looking back that He was with me always.  I remember little and big moments when His presence was so very evident.  There was always a spark in me even in the darkest times that kept on keeping on.  My faith never wavered.  My love for my Savior never waned.  I can’t explain except to say it was the Holy Spirit guiding, protecting, and crying out for me when I couldn’t.  He walked beside me and even carried me through the darkest times.  I think this is why this is my favorite poem:

Why did I go through this?  First of all I made the decision to marry this man.  We reap the consequences of bad decisions.  That’s life. 

Most of all, God is using what I went through in those years as my ministry.  I love encouraging people who are hurting.  I love sharing my story as a witness to what God can and will do in His time.  I love reminding those who love God that His presence is always with them even if it can’t be felt.  He promised:

And His promise has proven true in my life.  Trust Him with and in yours.  He will NOT fail you. 

Father,

Thank You for the difficult times in my life.

These are what You use to grow my faith.

These are what You use to form my ministry.

Thank You for a Father’s love.

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen.