A Father's Love

Journal entry:

October 17, 2003

“I wrote my feelings and e-mailed them to Cheri.  (This is the first paragraph).

Random Thoughts sent to Cheri:

“Wednesday afternoon after I got home from my follow-up mammogram I was physically, emotionally, and mentally worn out.  It was only about 3 pm.  I called everyone I needed to call to let them know how my test went and I was just sitting in my chair watching TV.  I started feeling guilty like I should be doing something, anything, that just sitting relaxing was wrong.  I realized that I had been programmed for 32 years.  Sitting and not doing anything any time at all was a sin.  You were supposed to be doing something from the time you got up until the time you went to bed.  When he was home and working outside I would be helping him or working inside.  If I sat down for a moment to rest and he walked in, he would either give me that “look” or say something like “It must be nice!”  If I happened to have the TV on, I would turn it off like a kid doing something wrong.  If I was eating something I would hide it.  If he smelled Doritos on my breath I was in big trouble.  Then he would be on me to do something.  Heaven forbid if you didn’t get dressed first thing in the morning and stayed dressed till bedtime.  I could never just lounge around in my pj’s and robe.”

I think this posting pretty well speaks for itself.  When everything you say, do, think, or enjoy is ridiculed you begin to believe you’re a failure.  You’re wrong about everything.  And you begin to try to be like the person who’s controlling you.  That’s what happened to me. 

People have asked me why I stayed.  First of all, I meant my vows before God.  That was enough.  However, I also relate to the story of the frog place in a kettle of cold water.  When the heat is slowly turned up and the water begins to warm she adapts to the change.  Finally it begins to boil killing her.  That’s what my life was like.  It was so gradual and it was being done by someone I trusted, someone who was supposed to have my best interest at heart.  It became my normal.

I’m so thankful today to know that there was Someone even then who had my best interest at heart.  Some might ask if that was true why He left me in that situation.  God never promises to remove us from troubles and trials.  He does promise to walk through them with us.  I can honestly say looking back that He was with me always.  I remember little and big moments when His presence was so very evident.  There was always a spark in me even in the darkest times that kept on keeping on.  My faith never wavered.  My love for my Savior never waned.  I can’t explain except to say it was the Holy Spirit guiding, protecting, and crying out for me when I couldn’t.  He walked beside me and even carried me through the darkest times.  I think this is why this is my favorite poem:

Why did I go through this?  First of all I made the decision to marry this man.  We reap the consequences of bad decisions.  That’s life. 

Most of all, God is using what I went through in those years as my ministry.  I love encouraging people who are hurting.  I love sharing my story as a witness to what God can and will do in His time.  I love reminding those who love God that His presence is always with them even if it can’t be felt.  He promised:

And His promise has proven true in my life.  Trust Him with and in yours.  He will NOT fail you. 

Father,

Thank You for the difficult times in my life.

These are what You use to grow my faith.

These are what You use to form my ministry.

Thank You for a Father’s love.

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen.