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Journal Entries

August 16, 2003

“Sad day-went shopping alone and found nothing.  I am not going alone again.  Cried most of the afternoon.  It still hurts so much sometimes.  Had a good talk with Pat and one of my Bible study friends.  Also talked to Hal.  Cleaned apartment and watched Gaither videos.  God is so good-I am so thankful He never forsakes me!  ‘I love You, Lord.’”

August 17, 2003

“I feel heartsick-it has been a rough weekend but God has put people like family, old friends and new in my life.  I know I have to hurt.  I just pray I can turn this pain into a positive through service to others who are hurting.  ‘I love You, Lord.’”

August 18, 2003

“Another sad day.  My best friend at work helped by talking and listening.  My co-worker was off so I had all the mail to do which was good-it kept me busy.  Opened my savings account and bought a one year CD.  My lawyer is working up my will.  I am taking steps even in my grief and that is good.  ‘Thank You for walking with me and carrying me when I can’t go another step.  I love You, Lord.’”

Difficult few days.  “Sad, cried, hurts, heartsick, hurt, sad.”  Quite a collection of words isn’t it?  Starts and ends with “sad.”  I found a picture and scripture that portrays perfectly how I remember feeling at this time.

I was mourning.  Even though I wasn’t and knew I wasn’t alone I felt alone.  Sometimes even when your mind tells you the truth what your heart feels overshadows that truth.  This little bird being pummeled by snow and wind is what I felt like.  I believe Satan was using the sadness and pain trying to beat me down so that I would be of no benefit to anyone ever again, especially God.  I was in mourning over dreams lost and a life that seemed hopeless.  That’s where Matthew 5:4 comes in.  In my mourning I was being comforted by the one who comforts best.

“Had a good talk with Pat and one of my Bible study friends.  God has put people like family, old friends and new in my life. Also talked to Hal.  My best friend at work helped by talking and listening.  ‘Thank You for walking with me and carrying me when I can’t go another step,”   God did not leave me alone and comfortless.  He allowed me to mourn because that’s how I was healing.  The sadness, tears, hurts, heartsickness-the pain had to be acknowledged and dealt with for me to move forward in my life.  I think that’s why those who mourn are blessed.  When you mourn, call out to God and you allow Him to be the one who comforts you He will work in your life molding you to the purpose for which you were created.  He takes our hurts and pains and disappointments and turns them into assets we can use to comfort others.  We are blessed in being able to give to them what God has given to us:  Comfort.

‘I love You, Lord.’  I ended each day with these words.  I take no credit for this.  I know the Holy Spirit was wrapping me in the love of God as I walked this path.  And I know the very same Spirit was interceding for me as I cried out to God.

I give God all the glory for my words and actions.  I can honestly say I have never been angry with Him about what happened.  Angry at the situation, at myself, at my ex-husband, and at other people-YES!  Angry at God?  No.  All I have ever felt from God is love, acceptance, comfort, peace, and joy.  All I’ve ever felt for Him is love, gratitude, and a desire to please Him.  Yes, I’ve questioned Him about why but never in anger, just in sadness. 

If you are walking through a valley that is so dark and deep you don’t see how you’ll survive please call out to God.  If you don’t know Him, find someone who can tell You about His Son Jesus who died for you.  If you do know Him reach out and you’ll find that He is already reaching out to touch your life.  He’s just waiting for you to ask. 

Father,

Thank You for caring for me.

Thank You for taking care of me.

In Jesus' Name,

Amen