Holy Spirit Led Life

Journal Entry:

July 6, 2003

“Church-felt uncomfortable in Bible Study for some reason.  I had a good talk with one of my friends but then felt so alone.  I had something in my eye so left class.  Sat and watched people which was good and bad.  Enjoyed it but seeing married couples hurt some.  Sat with my friends in church and then we went out to eat.  They are so good to me and make me laugh.  Stopped at Meijer-raining when I came out-I got soaked but it felt good.  Home-quiet afternoon.  Talked to Tim and Tanya-she got photo albums from the house.  Spent time with God.  I feel so lonely.  He is teaching me to depend on Him more and more. ‘Father, thank You for Your presence and for friends and family who care.’”

I remember this day very well.  I was still learning then, and sometimes have to be reminded today, to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit’s leading in my life.  “…felt uncomfortable in Bible Study for some reason.”  I cannot tell you how many times I’ve sensed an uneasiness or an assurance that proved true later. 

I’m going to go back to 1971 before I was married.  While in college I met, became friends with, and then started dating my future husband.  I was 19 years old when we met and very naïve.  I wanted to be married.  I wanted to be loved.  That’s just all there is to it.  I believed him when he said he loved me.  However, when he asked me to marry him I remember saying, “I need to think about it”.   His response was, “Do you really need to think about it?”  Hmmmm!  Years later when he blamed me and his parents for our getting married I thought of this statement.  (Still haven’t figured that out but okay.)  Wouldn’t this have been a wonderful opportunity for him to say "just forget it then"? 

Looking back I now believe it was the Holy Spirit warning me that I was making a mistake.  Instead of listening to His voice I allowed my then boyfriend to talk me into marrying him. 

Let me interject in here that although my marriage was not good, in fact most it was very painful, God’s blessings did not cease because of that decision.  The three greatest blessings He’s ever given me are Hal, Tim, and Tanya followed by my grandchildren.  I would do it all again to have them in my life.  There are so many more blessings God gave during those 32 years: friendships, opportunities, activities, answered prayers, miracles unnumbered, and so much more than I can name here.  Then to top it all off, He eventually delivered me in His perfect timing. 

This tells me that when one of His children veers onto the wrong path He knows it’s going to happen and He works in each life changing us to draw us back to the path He has laid out for each child.  It simply takes different methods and varied time periods for us to return.  Our usefulness to His kingdom work doesn’t cease even when we take the wrong path for a time as long as we’re willing to be used by Him.  I’ve come to realize He uses the things we learn in the hard times to minister to our sisters and brothers and to a dying world.

 Back to being sensitive to the Spirit’s leading.  God never led me to be unfaithful or to end my marriage in all the years I was with him.  I made my vows “till death do us part” and I meant them.  I was far from perfect in my marriage and I take my share of the blame but I did keep my vows.  In fact, I know it was His leading that led me to seek to be a better wife in the months leading up to our separation. 

I do know that in the last thirteen years the Holy Spirit has allowed me to become more sensitive to His leading and I am so grateful for that.  I’ve learned to listen (most of the time) and never been disappointed.  The only things I’ve done to aid in this is spend time with God through prayer, scripture, worship, and fellowship with other believers.  If anyone does this God will honor it with His presence and His guidance.

Just a short note on the blue statement.  “Stopped at Meijer-raining when I came out-I got soaked but it felt good.”  This statement makes me happy because I later discovered through counseling how totally shut down to my feelings I had become over the years.  The fact that I felt led to record feeling good about something as simple as rain shows how rare it was at that time.  Just to “feel” and to express those feelings was wonderful.  I give all the praise and glory to my Heavenly Father who loves me so!

Father,

Thank You for the gift of Your Spirit.

His presence enables me to grow more like Jesus every day.

Increase my sensitivity to His working in my life.

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen