Journal entries
June 3, 2003
“What a day! It was okay until H. called me at work to see why he hadn’t heard from the lawyer. I don’t know why he’s in such a hurry. I told him to talk to the lawyer, she’s in charge. He still affects me in a bad way. The lawyer who is handing the divorce for both of us (he was okay with that) said he can get his own lawyer (he threatened to) but it would take longer cause she would hold him to the letter of the law. I choose to trust God in this situation. Tim called and said he had changed the locks at the house so now the kids can’t get in to get their stuff. What’s wrong with him? I’m going to a Bible study Wednesday with some ladies for SECC. I am looking forward to it. ‘Father, thank You for giving me just what I need when I need it.’”
June 4 & 5, 2003
Not sure what was going on these two days because I didn’t write much. Highlight: “Went to Bible study-it was wonderful.”
I still
remember the feeling of dread that came over me that day when I heard his voice
on the phone. I felt like a kid who had
done something wrong and was about to be punished. I credit God with giving me the words to
say. I was not rude but I told him the
lawyer was taking care of everything and he needed to talk to her. I do remember crying after I hung up. I’m not sure if they were tears of relief,
sorrow, or fear. I do know that he always
made me feel worthless and stupid.
Harder than
that though was what the kids had and were experiencing. I’m trying hard not to say too much about my ex-husband. This is not a “blame it all on him” blog. I played my part in the troubles of our
marriage. However, when it comes to my
kids I have a harder time being kind. I’ve
had a harder time forgiving the things done to them over the years. That includes forgiving myself for not
standing up to him more. That’s one of
the things Satan throws at me still today but thankfully God has enabled me to
forgive myself and my ex so I just rebuke the evil one when he tries that junk. Sometimes I have to forgive all over again
but the intervals of time increase and the difficulty decreases over the years.
I’m writing
this blog revisiting this journey because God led me to do so. It’s turning out to be an enjoyable and therapeutic
exercise for me. However, if I had one
desire it would be that if even just one woman who’s walking a path of being
abused, thrown away, and/or rejected reads any of this she’ll find
encouragement to allow God to work in her life.
Or if there is one person who needs reminding that we’re not alone I hope
my experience gives them hope. Others have
been there and there is always One who understands. Remember:
No matter what
you’ve been through, are going through, or will face in the future, Jesus cares. I hope to show in the coming days the ways He
walked with, provided for, and loved me through all the days of my life.
As the picture
at the beginning of this post states, “your value doesn’t decrease based on
someone’s inability to see your worth”.
After all, God the Creator and Master of all decided you are worth the
sacrifice of His Son. And that same Son
was willing to give up His place in heaven to suffer unimaginable pain, agony,
and death for you. So, as Mark Lowry has
said, “the pot doesn’t get to tell the Potter how much the pot is worth. The Potter tells the pot what it’s worth”.
Father,
You created me.
I am not worthless.
My worth is found in
You.
Thank You!
In Jesus’ Name,
Amen
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