Who Is Fighting for Me?

Journal Entries

September 1, 2003

“(Labor Day) Another quiet day at home.  I have really enjoyed this holiday weekend with the Lord.”

September 2, 2003

“Hard sad day.  It was a long afternoon.  Had a ‘mini-meltdown’ in the evening.  Talked to Pat-talked to God a lot!  During the night I realized Satan was attacking me after my weekend with God.  I must resist him.  ‘Lord, please guide me and protect me from the evil one.  I love You!’”

September 3, 2003

“’I am in a valley of depression.  Please deliver me.’”

September 4, 2003

“Day started out badly-felt awful and terrible headache.  My friends prayed for me.”

These entries reflect something I’ve learned over the years.  After every mountaintop experience there will almost certainly be a valley.  I had a wonderful quiet long weekend with God.  I distinctly remember waking up on Tuesday morning feeling lonelier and sadder than I ever had before.  When I say I had a ‘mini-meltdown’ I’m not exaggerating.  I remember sobbing and crying out in agony to God for relief and to be delivered. 

I love that God woke me in the middle of the night to answer my prayers.  “During the night I realized Satan was attacking me after my weekend with God.  I must resist him.”  I’ve realized over the years that, while any prayer is good, for me specific prayers mean so much more.  I like to know the details and why I’m praying.  I know God knows but I think something happens in my spirit when I know exactly for who, what, where, and when I'm praying. 

This is the first time I remember realizing that I needed to actively resist Satan.  I don’t know why that’s so; I do know it was God preparing me for a battle I was beginning in my life.  I needed to remember Peter’s warning:

But I also need to remember that he said “like a roaring lion”. 

Satan is a deceiver who has no power over my life unless I give it to him.

He is a pretender to the throne and will one day be destroyed.

However, there is one who has won the victory:

Jesus is the authentic Lion of Judah.

When Satan attempts to attack me all I have to do is rebuke him in the name of Jesus Christ.

He cannot stand, he must flee.

He is the heir to the throne of David and He sits there at the right hand of His Father today.

I also love the fact that these days start with me praying for myself and end with my friends praying for me.  I am not in this battle alone and neither are you.  As fellow believers we are to pray for one another.  Jesus Himself said:

Father,

We all have battles to fight here on this earth.

What a sweet joy to know that as Your child I am never left alone to fight.

Better yet the one who has already won the victory fights for me.

Teach me to be a prayer warrior in this fallen world.

Protect Your children from the evil one as Jesus asked.

Thank You!

In His Name,

Amen

Finding the Extraordinary in the Ordinary

Journal Entries

In reading over my journal for the rest of August of 2003 I noticed that they were for the most part calm ordinary days.  I decided to glean statements from that time period and just see where God leads me.

August 21-31, 2003

“Good day."

“’Thank You Lord for friendships that last.” 

“Good day.”

“Pat and Bill are taking me to Praise Gathering!”

“What a great day!”

“Wonderful Bible study and worship.”

“God is revealing things to me.”

“I’m going to have myself a retreat this weekend.”

“Spent day at home-didn’t see or speak to anyone but God.”

“Stayed home.  Listened to sermon Pat sent me.”

Ordinary days.  I hadn’t had too many of those during this time.  There were so many new things, new experiences, new people, and new places in my life.  And I was just getting started.  I know God gave me this respite because He knew what was ahead for me.  September would bring several major changes and decisions into my life.  I would experience some extremely difficult days that were necessary for my ultimate healing because they led me to a life-changing decision which I will be sharing in a later posting.  However, these eleven days were peaceful, calm, ordinary day given to me by an extraordinary God.

In these ordinary days I see extraordinary events.  "Good days, friendships, great day, Bible study, worship, God is revealing, retreat, home, sermon" are words that reflect for me the joy of the new everyday life with which God was blessing this wounded soul.  I’ve learned that it isn’t just in the spectacular or amazing events that joy is found.  In fact, I think the joy that comes from deep inside because I know Jesus is experienced on those ordinary days in a unique way.  On wonderful days I feel joy because of what I’m experiencing.  On difficult days if I truly have joy in Jesus it runs as an undercurrent to remind me of who holds me in His hands.  But on ordinary days it’s just a quiet peaceful stream of joy that flows through my life.  After all the years of abuse and fear I treasure those days and enjoy them immensely.   

“Pat and Bill are taking me to Praise Gathering!”  I highlighted this statement in purple  because it’s anything but ordinary.  Praise Gathering was a wonderful weekend worship event that Bill and Gloria Gaither hosted in Indianapolis for many years.  If you’ve read my blog much you’ve seen entries of “watched Gaither videos”.  Pat actually introduced me to them by giving me my very first video from their Homecoming series.  During my years of healing they became a lifeline for me.  I cried, laughed, worshiped, and sang my heart out.  So when they invited me to go with them I was ecstatic.  You will hear more about this when I reach the October entries in my journal.  At this time however the anticipation filled me with joy to overflowing.  To this day I’m still grateful for the gift of this wonderful experience.

I’m ending this posting by sharing a song from the Gaither Vocal Band that reflects the joy found in the glorious freedom God has given me on this earth and for eternity.  Glorious Freedom features my favorite singer of all time, David Phelps.  Enjoy! 

Father,

Thank You for ordinary days that bring extraordinary joy.

Thank You for extraordinary events that bring extraordinary joy.

Thank You for the joy that comes only from Jesus.

Thank You for Joy!

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen

Caterpillar to Butterfly

Journal Entries

Before I begin I just want to say that I debated over including the entries from these two days.  I prayed about it and felt like it was the right thing to do.  I’m not out to blame anyone but this is part of my journey and part of the pain and healing I had to go through to overcome the obstacles in my life.  I know there was hurt and pain on both sides and misinformation given to people about what really happened in my marriage.  Only five of us know the truth and only two of us know the entire truth of what happened in our home.  That truth is colored by our own sometimes selfish perceptions of what happened.  So here we go:

August 19, 2003

“I can’t do this anymore.  I am so tired.  Got an ugly e-mail from my ex’s lady friend attacking me.  ‘I don’t understand, Lord.  I am just trying to live my life.  Please help me.’”

August 20, 2003

“Better day.   My kids are so supportive.  Tim called his dad and told him for them to leave me alone.  All three said I have not tried to influence them.  Had a long talk with Hal.  Bible study was wonderful.  I love those ladies.  ‘Lord, I am ready, I think, to move on-please reveal to me Your plan as You see fit.  I love You!’”

What an unpleasant surprise I received when I checked my e-mail at work that morning!  I knew this person, I thought at one time we were friends.  I was wrong.  But I was now settling into my new life gradually.  I didn’t need this.  She accused me of influencing my children concerning their relationship with their father.  First of all, anyone who knows my kids knows they are not easily influenced.  They are all extremely independent and headstrong.  Secondly, I had enough on my plate without trying to tell them what to do even if I could.  No, their decision was theirs alone and based on past experiences.  That’s their story to tell, not mine.

When I read this e-mail it tore open the scabs of old wounds that were being healed.  I spent so many years being accused of things I didn’t do and learning to stuff my feelings deep down inside my soul and this brought all that back.  Fear, sadness, and anger swirled like a whirlwind through my entire body.  I didn’t know what to do so I just forwarded the e-mail to each of my kids and asked if they felt like I had tried to influence them in any way concerning their father.  I received answers from all three of “NO!”   I’m can’t say I was immediately able to let go of the hurt but this helped.

Looking back at this over thirteen years later after much counseling, soul-searching, praying, and seeking I see a purpose for this event.  Remember:

Being confronted this way led me to confront issues in my own life.  I had to learn how to express my feelings in the proper way and it took years for this to happen.  My sister occasionally reminds me that I went from one extreme to the other.  This is true.  I went from never expressing my feelings to often being obnoxious and rigid.  I believe this was necessary for me to find the proper balance.  I’m thankful for people in my life who understood and were kindly and lovingly firm with me.  Mostly, I’m thankful for a Father who listened to my rantings, loved me anyway, and did use this for my good.  

Seeing prayers written in black and white expressing my faith in and love for God means more to me than I can say.  I take no credit.  It’s God who held me fast and filled me with this sure knowledge that He would see me through this.  Knowing that I continued to seek His face and to trust His heart fills me with awe at His love for me.  My awareness of His love is the only way I can explain my faith at this time in my life.

I realize that the person who sent this e-mail had been told one side of the story and because of her desires believed what she was told.  I will admit that especially in the beginning I blamed everything on my ex.  I eventually, after much counseling, soul-searching, praying and seeking, reached the point where I could own, confess, and repent of my failings in my marriage.  God and I have had many talks about this and I know He’s forgiven me and moved me beyond that.  I will say even today Satan tries to dredge up old hurts, sins, and thoughts to use against me as I try to serve God.  I’m so thankful His word tells me that:

I said at the beginning that only two of us knew the entire truth.  That’s not really true either.  Only one knows the real truth because only He knows the heart and the motives of each person.  Only He knows the circumstances from our pasts that color our present.  The key is allowing Him access to my life and letting Him sort, remove, clean, replace, and renew our minds.  That’s why this is one of my favorite verses because to me it represents what God has done and is still doing in my life:

 

Anyone who knows me knows I love butterflies.  This is why I do.  I felt like a caterpillar for so long just inching along on the earth with no particular purpose.  God has slowly and lovingly transformed my life over the years until I can truly say He has allowed me find my wings and soar. For this I will be eternally grateful.

Father,

This journey has been amazing.

You’ve walked with and/or carried me every step of the way.

You’ve been with me when I’ve crawled, stumbled, run, and soared.

Thank You for Your amazing grace given to this seeking child.

I love You!

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen

Today's question is:

Journal Entries

August 16, 2003

“Sad day-went shopping alone and found nothing.  I am not going alone again.  Cried most of the afternoon.  It still hurts so much sometimes.  Had a good talk with Pat and one of my Bible study friends.  Also talked to Hal.  Cleaned apartment and watched Gaither videos.  God is so good-I am so thankful He never forsakes me!  ‘I love You, Lord.’”

August 17, 2003

“I feel heartsick-it has been a rough weekend but God has put people like family, old friends and new in my life.  I know I have to hurt.  I just pray I can turn this pain into a positive through service to others who are hurting.  ‘I love You, Lord.’”

August 18, 2003

“Another sad day.  My best friend at work helped by talking and listening.  My co-worker was off so I had all the mail to do which was good-it kept me busy.  Opened my savings account and bought a one year CD.  My lawyer is working up my will.  I am taking steps even in my grief and that is good.  ‘Thank You for walking with me and carrying me when I can’t go another step.  I love You, Lord.’”

Difficult few days.  “Sad, cried, hurts, heartsick, hurt, sad.”  Quite a collection of words isn’t it?  Starts and ends with “sad.”  I found a picture and scripture that portrays perfectly how I remember feeling at this time.

I was mourning.  Even though I wasn’t and knew I wasn’t alone I felt alone.  Sometimes even when your mind tells you the truth what your heart feels overshadows that truth.  This little bird being pummeled by snow and wind is what I felt like.  I believe Satan was using the sadness and pain trying to beat me down so that I would be of no benefit to anyone ever again, especially God.  I was in mourning over dreams lost and a life that seemed hopeless.  That’s where Matthew 5:4 comes in.  In my mourning I was being comforted by the one who comforts best.

“Had a good talk with Pat and one of my Bible study friends.  God has put people like family, old friends and new in my life. Also talked to Hal.  My best friend at work helped by talking and listening.  ‘Thank You for walking with me and carrying me when I can’t go another step,”   God did not leave me alone and comfortless.  He allowed me to mourn because that’s how I was healing.  The sadness, tears, hurts, heartsickness-the pain had to be acknowledged and dealt with for me to move forward in my life.  I think that’s why those who mourn are blessed.  When you mourn, call out to God and you allow Him to be the one who comforts you He will work in your life molding you to the purpose for which you were created.  He takes our hurts and pains and disappointments and turns them into assets we can use to comfort others.  We are blessed in being able to give to them what God has given to us:  Comfort.

‘I love You, Lord.’  I ended each day with these words.  I take no credit for this.  I know the Holy Spirit was wrapping me in the love of God as I walked this path.  And I know the very same Spirit was interceding for me as I cried out to God.

I give God all the glory for my words and actions.  I can honestly say I have never been angry with Him about what happened.  Angry at the situation, at myself, at my ex-husband, and at other people-YES!  Angry at God?  No.  All I have ever felt from God is love, acceptance, comfort, peace, and joy.  All I’ve ever felt for Him is love, gratitude, and a desire to please Him.  Yes, I’ve questioned Him about why but never in anger, just in sadness. 

If you are walking through a valley that is so dark and deep you don’t see how you’ll survive please call out to God.  If you don’t know Him, find someone who can tell You about His Son Jesus who died for you.  If you do know Him reach out and you’ll find that He is already reaching out to touch your life.  He’s just waiting for you to ask. 

Father,

Thank You for caring for me.

Thank You for taking care of me.

In Jesus' Name,

Amen

Emotions

Journal Entries:

August 11, 2003

“Went to Social Security office but too busy.  My supervisor told me to go in the middle of the morning tomorrow.  Talked to Pat.  My soul feels real joy like I’ve never felt before.  God is so good!  ‘Father, I love You!’”

August 12, 2003

“Finally got my Social Security card changed.  My friend from Mt. Washington called-meeting her and another friend Thursday after work for dinner.  Going to a play and out to eat with 2 other friends Friday night.  I’m getting a busy social life!  ‘Father, thank You for friends who stick by me-most of all for Jesus who never leaves.’”

August 13, 2003

"Bible study was good but home late.  Those ladies are so special.  ‘Father, thank You for new friends.’”

August 14, 2003

“Had a wonderful time with my friends at dinner-over 2 hours at Cracker Barrel.  God is so good!   I want to always stay close to Him no matter what my situation.  He is my rock and my refuge.  Praise the Lord!  ‘Father, I love You.  Let me feel Your presence.’”

August 15, 2003

“Met Tanya at Steak & Shake for lunch-good time.  Enjoyed evening with my friends-play was okay and supper was so-so but really enjoyed their company the most.  ‘Thank You for friends who care about me.  Heal me Lord.  Sometimes I hurt so badly.  I love You!’”

Words of note:

Social Security.  Name finally changed!  I remember appreciating my supervisor allowing me to leave work and go to the Social Security office.  This reminds me of a humorous incident with her.  She always received our paychecks and had them distributed by another employee.  On the first payday after my name was changed she came to my desk herself and told that when she was looking through them and saw the one for Virginia E. Holcombe she thought, “Who in the world is that?”  It took her a few minutes to realize it was my check.  She brought it to me herself so she could give me a laugh.  You’d have to know her to realize this was not in character.  She was nice but not overly friendly with her employees.  I appreciated that she took the time to share something with me that would make me laugh.  It’s the little things that often mean the most.

People.  This week is filled with people who cared about me.  I cannot express how important this was and how very much it meant to me at this time.  I had felt invisible and unloved for so long that just someone taking time to call me or have a meal with me-to spend time with me in any way, was encouraging.  This week included family, friends from my old life, and friends from my new life.  God does not tire of showing me how much He loves me. 

Hurt.  One pain-filled entry in this week that was filled with good things.  “Heal me Lord.  Sometimes I hurt so badly.”  Isn’t it wonderful to have a God who we can go to when we hurt and know that He listens and cares?  He didn’t say to me, “Ginny, just get over it.  Look at all the wonderful things I’ve blessed you with this week.”  His word tells me differently:

He cares about my pain and heartaches.  I cannot bother or annoy Him.  I cannot try His patience.  I am His child and He loves me.  All I have to do is look at the cross and know that.

Praise.  Every day my heart found something to be thankful for and to offer as praises to God.  Believe me when I say that wasn’t in my own strength that I did this.  I believe it was the gift of the Holy Spirit dwelling in me and reminding me of the gifts God had blessed me with that day.  Even in my pain I could see the love and compassion God was showering down on me because of the presence of His Spirit.  What a joy this is!

Joy.  Speaking of joy, I highlighted one sentence by itself with blue because it jumped out at me when I read it.  “My soul feels real joy like I’ve never felt before.”  My soul feels joy.  Not I’m happy or glad or giddy.  Actually, much of the time I was tired, sad, lonely, feeling forgotten, and in despair.  But deep down inside my soul that joy that only comes from God was present and it was beginning to bubble up and would one day burst into the very air around me.  That day is coming I promise and it’s still bubbling inside of me today even when I’m tired, sad, lonely, feeling forgotten, and in despair.  Because, yes, those moments still happen.  They just occur with much less frequency than they did in those days.  I can honestly say however, that joy has never left my soul.

Each day is filled with events that cause pain, hurt, loneliness, fatigue, despair, happiness, satisfaction, anger, and every other emotion I can think of.  When I give those feelings to the One who created me to experience them He takes of me.  God and God alone knows just exactly what I need when I need it and He’s never ever let me down. 

Father,

You have blessed Your child with emotions that enable me to express how I feel.

I choose to dive into the deep sea of joy that is Jesus Christ.

When I do this it overshadows every other emotion I may experience.

Thank You!

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen.

Surrender

Journal Entry:

August 10, 2003

“Good day of rest.  Went to Bible study and worship.  Home and just spent the day relaxing.  Talked to Hal, Tim, & Tanya.  They are such good kids!  I woke up during the night and felt led to get on my knees and surrender to whatever God is calling me to do.  I still don’t know what it is but I am willing. ‘Father, guide me.  Help me to show Your love and to work well.  I love You!’”

When I started reading through my next entries I was planning to cover at least one week’s worth.  I stopped on the 6^th & 7^th sentences on the first day.  When I wrote this I truly was seeking God’s will for and call on my life.  I just knew there was something special and big that He had planned for me.   That may be true but if it is I haven’t found it yet.  He and I have had many talks about it over the past 13 years.  We still do quite often.  Yet in those talks, in things I’ve experienced, in doors that have opened and closed, and just in daily living I’ve learned a little about His will for my life.

I love words.  I enjoy writing even if no one ever reads what I write. (I will admit that sometimes it gets discouraging to not get any feedback on what I write but that will not keep me from writing.  I try to remember Who I’m doing it for each time I sit down at my computer.)  I often lose track of time while I’m writing, especially when it’s a devotion, a piece about what God has done or is doing in my life, or for this blog.  I love sharing with people the miracles big and small with which God has blessed my life.

 I took an online writing course which I enjoyed very much.  I’ve had one devotional published in Mature Living Magazine.  I’ve submitted other things to magazines and contests with negative results.  I’ve been told I should and thought about writing a book but the attempts I’ve made have been less than satisfactory.  To be honest, so far the desire to that is not within me.  Most of the time I’m happy with writing on Facebook, my Facebook page, the website Mentoring Moments.org, and for this blog.  So even though I’ve wondered at times if a paid career in writing is in God’s plans for my life I don’t sense that right now.

A few years after my divorce I found online a young lady who was a Christian Life Coach.  I spent a wonderful weekend with her and it helped me more than I can say.  I even flew to California for training and met the woman who started this ministry.  I’m sure I’ll write more about this experience in later posts because that trip had a major impact on my life.  However, I did not become a life coach.  I tried.  I printed business cards and everything.  I even had a couple of clients but it didn’t last.  That door closed tightly.

Along with the life coach thing I felt like God might want me to be a Christian speaker to share my testimony.  I prepared and put that on my business cards too.  I publicized this in every way I knew.  I did speak at women’s events a couple of times and it went okay.  At this point in my life I would have to say God has effectively closed that door.  If He were to reopen it I’d go through it but I truly don’t have the desire to do this anymore. 

0ne year after my divorce God led me to Porter Memorial Baptist Church in Lexington Kentucky where I was hired as a ministry assistant to the Single Pastors and the Senior Adult Pastor.  Other than it being God’s will for my life, I’m not sure why this happened.  A few years later I also became the church receptionist.  Presently I’m the receptionist and work with Senior Adults.  I enjoy my job.  It’s like every other job; it has its good days and it has its bad days but I’m thankful for the opportunity God has given to me.  I’ve met so many wonderful people and had so many great experiences since I’ve been here.  I know this is where I’m supposed to be.  At this point in my life this is God’s will for me.  I love helping, encouraging, loving on, and sharing my life with these people.  This is my ministry and I am grateful for it.

I guess what I’m trying to say about finding God’s will for your life can be summed in this verse:

As I look back at my journal entry all those years ago I realize that what I did that night in surrendering to God’s will is something I must do every day of my life.  Sometimes I have to surrender multiple times a day.  I’ve even had days when it’s been minute to minute.  I’ve learned that if I’m following Micah 6:8 I don’t have to wonder what His will is for my life.  I know it’s to live every minute of every day walking with Him while I love and encourage others.  It’s sharing Jesus through my words and actions each day.  It’s getting up when I fall, trying again, and giving Him all the glory when success comes.  One day if He does have something “big” for me to do He’ll open that door in His time.  However, I have come to realize that what the world may see as big is no better or different in God’s eyes than the faithful “little” things His child does every day in service to His Kingdom.  Because in the end no matter what we do:

Our Father,

which art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy Name.
Thy Kingdom come.
Thy will be done in earth,
As it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom,
The power, and the glory,
For ever and ever.
Amen.

Quiet Joy!

Journal Entries:

August 3, 2003

“I really enjoy being at my apartment.  PTL!  ‘Father, thank You for a place of refuge.  Help me to open my heart to others who are hurting.'"

August 6, 2003

“Good uneventful day, the best day I’ve had in years feelings wise.  No feelings of stress or fear or sadness-just joy-a quiet joy and peace.  ‘Thank You Lord!’”

August 7, 2003

“Woke up with a sore big toe.  Went to the Immediate Care Center.  Doctor said it was infected-opened it up-gave me medicine-said to soak it.  He was a very kind person.  Went home, soaked it, and to bed early.  ‘Father, thank You for doctors, medicine, and healing.  Thank You for pain that lets me know something is wrong.  I love You, Lord!’”

August 8, 2003

“My toe is already better.  Oh yeah!  I finally got my paperwork from the divorce so I can get my name changed!  PTL!”

August 9, 2003

“Finally I have my name changed on my driver’s license, bank account, credit cards, and insurance.  Now I feel like I can get on with my new life.  ‘Father, thank You for new beginnings.  Please show me Your plan.’”

This was an interesting week.  Except for the toe infection (and even that had a bright side to it) it was a good week.  I pulled a few comments that represented the major happenings this week. 

I’m very thankful that God gifted me with my apartment as a place of refuge from the storms that threatened my life.  I remember it as a place of quiet and healing.  I could express all my emotions without fear of being ridiculed or punished in any way.  He listened and responded to my cries.  He gave me times of laughter, tears, joy, sorrow, pain, healing, and so much more.  As usual, He gave me exactly what I needed when I needed it.

I love this entry from the 6^th.  “Best day I’ve had in years feelings wise.  No feelings of stress or fear or sadness-just joy-a quiet joy and peace.”   Wow! That must have been a great day.  I don’t remember it particularly but am grateful for the gift of days and weeks like this because they made the difficult days and weeks more bearable.   I boisterous joy-filled day or even moment is wonderful but there’s something special about a quiet joy that fills my heart and soul.  It’s such a gift from God.

The infected toe was even a gift.  Yesterday I wrote about not feeling cared for when I got sick.  I remember going to have my toe treated and feeling so cared about by the staff there.  It gave me a sense of mattering to someone even if it was a stranger.  That was important to me at that time.

The paperwork.  I had decided with my kids blessings to go back to my maiden name.  I had never felt like I belonged in the family that bore my married name so it seemed right to do this.  I felt stuck in limbo between two worlds. I was divorced but I couldn’t move on until I could change my name.  Finally I could take another step towards my new life.

So the lesson I’m seeing in these entries is that God knows best what we need and when we need it.  Believe me, there are difficult days ahead for this girl as she moves into this new life.  I’m excited about being reminded of God’s presence and provision in those days.  I’m loving that fact that He’s still present and providing for me today.  He never stops. 

Father,

I’m so thankful for the quiet joy You’ve placed in my life.

I’m so thankful for the ways You provide for me in my life.

I’m so thankful for the good and bad days in my life.

All of this is given by You to me to fulfill the plans You have for me.

Thank You!

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen.