Am I loved?

Thoughts for Cheri:

December 3, 2003 continued:

“I have noticed something about myself in the last couple of weeks.  I compare this to a cat.  When I think or feel like someone is trying to control me, I start to arch my back and hiss and spit like a cat does when it is cornered or threatened.”

“Dr. Cook preached about forgiveness Sunday night.  I know I need to forgive and I really do want to, not for him, but for me and because I want to be obedient to God’s word.  I am just not real sure how to do that either.  I think to myself, ‘I forgive him’ and mean it but then I get angry all over again.  How many time do I have to go through this?  Part of me wants to hang on to this anger because I want to see him pay for what he has done and it doesn’t seem like he is cause he doesn’t care.  It seems like he is just going on with his life with no consequences that matter to him.  I know in my head I need to leave him to God and that He will judge and repay him. But my heart wants to see him suffer worse than I have.  I also need to forgive others who have hurt me through this ordeal.  Even though I know they don’t care if I forgive them or not, I need to do it as Dr. Cook said, for me.”

“He sent Tanya a birthday card.  I hoped it was maybe a little sign that he was feeling something.  Pat and Tanya both seem to think it is just a ploy trying to make Tanya think he cares.  A way to get back into her life.  It didn’t work!  Why do I still hold onto this hope when others see him for what he really is?  Am I stupid, crazy, or just hopeless?”

“When I think or feel like someone is trying to control me, I start to arch my back and hiss and spit like a cat does when it is cornered or threatened.”  Wow!  I had forgotten about this period of time in my life.  Reading this reminds me of how defensive I was.  Looking back I believe this was a necessary step in the process of healing.  If you look at this as a meter I had spent years all the way to the left being controlled.  In order to find my balance I swung all the way to the right.  I’ll admit I’m still quite independent but I’ve learned to recognize the difference between being controlled by someone and living a life of compromise when possible.  Scripture has something to say about this:

“I know I need to forgive and I really do want to, not for him, but for me and because I want to be obedient to God’s word.  I am just not real sure how to do that either.  I think to myself, ‘I forgive him’ and mean it but then I get angry all over again.  How many time do I have to go through this?”  Forgiveness.  Not an easy thing to do, is it?  Too often it’s hard to forgive the little things in life.  It seems impossible to forgive the major offenses done by those who are supposed to love us best.  Actually it is impossible in my own strength.  However, I have learned over these years that when unforgiveness rears its ugly head if I ask God to give me the strength I need He does.  Even today reminders of those years will cause me to realize I still harbor some unforgiveness in my heart.  Its fewer and farther between but it happens.  A memory, a word, or a myriad of reasons brings back the pain and there I am.  Thankfully there God is also.  I give Him the pain and His rightful place in handling the situation as He knows is best.  I can actually pray for my ex and others now in ways I never thought possible.  I’m so grateful to a Father who not only forgives me but teaches and enables me to forgive as I’ve been forgiven.

“Am I stupid, crazy, or just hopeless?”  I am none of these things.  These are words Satan likes to whisper in my ears to discourage me.  God’s word tells me something totally different:

I am made in the image of my Creator.  So are you.  Don’t allow Satan or the world or anything else lie to you and make you doubt His love or your worth.  After all, Jesus died for you and me.  And He loves us even when we’re a hissing mess.  If that isn’t love, nothing is.

Father,

Thank You for Your infinite love and patience with Your child.

Thank You for reminding me that I matter.

Thank You for Jesus!

(I cannot say that enough)!

In His Name,

Amen