Who's in Control?

Thoughts for Cheri:

December 3, 2003 continued:

“Hal asked him why he got back together with me the first time we separated and he said it was because I had changed.  He knew what he had been doing and was still doing, and yet, I was the one who needed to change.  I know now that no matter what I did or didn’t do, it was never going to be enough.  And that makes me angry too.”

“I realize now that I lived in constant fear that I might do or not do something that would make him not love me and leave me.  What a laugh!  He didn’t love me anyway.  He treated me like a child.  He never comforted me when I was sick, sad, hurt, angry, or any other emotion I can think of.  He acted like it was an imposition whenever I was sick or hurt.  The kids too.  He has no compassion.”

“Why did I allow him to do this to me?  I am angry with him but I am also angry with myself for letting him do this to me.  And I’m angry with myself when I feel like I miss him or care about what he is doing now.  I don’t want to miss him.  I don’t even want to think about him.” 

“Sometimes I feel like I’m always going to be like this.  I couldn’t stand that.”

I started to omit this excerpt from my notes because I really am not into bashing my ex.  However, after thinking about it I realized that this is an important step in my journey.  It’s not about what he did, it’s about me.  I’m writing this blog to hopefully help someone else who may be in a similar situation.  I want to offer the hope that God gives to the life that is surrendered to Him.  I also want to let them know they’re not alone.  Others have walked this same path and can understand and help them if they only ask.  When I was going through this I didn’t tell anyone.  I thought I was alone.  If my experience can give just one person hope I must share all of my journey.

What do I glean from these thoughts for Cheri?  I realize that I am responsible for myself.  It’s my choice as to how I allow people to treat me.  I cannot control their actions but I can control my reactions.  I can’t go back and change what happened in my life but I have the opportunity today to share my experiences with others so that maybe someone else can benefit and make choices that improve their lives.  I hope so.

The most important thing I glean from this is that no matter what I am going through God is there with me.  He doesn’t say, ‘Oh Ginny, you messed up so I’m just going to see if you can get yourself out of this.’  No, He says, My child, I love you.  I’m waiting for you to ask for My help.  Just ask Me!’ 

And when I asked He answered.  “Sometimes I feel like I’m always going to be like this.  I couldn’t stand that.”  I am no longer like that.  God has worked in my life over the last 13 years and has changed me.  He has done it with love, comfort, and compassion, those things I was seeking from my husband.  In these years my heart has been broken, I have been hurt by words and actions, and I have been lonely.  However, He has made my life complete and has brought such joy and peace in even these toughest of times.  I’m no longer controlled by others or by my own emotions.  I have given control of me to the One who made me and knows me best.  This is the promise I keep going back to when I am tempted to feel abandoned and alone:

Father,

You have proven Yourself to be my Husband.

Thank You for Your love, comfort, and compassion.

I am blessed!

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen