Thoughts for Cheri
November 19, 2003
“I also realized today as I was running some errands at lunchtime that for the first time I am beginning to feel like an adult. Does this make sense? I wasn’t allowed to be an adult. My ex acted more like a parent than a husband. What an amazing and freeing thought. Maybe this is why I’ve never thought I belonged in the adult or mature world. I always felt like other people knew something I didn’t know or had something I didn’t have. That is changing. I am becoming more confident in making decisions and doing things I want or need to do.”
“I also
realized today as I was running some errands at lunchtime that for the first
time I am beginning to feel like an adult” I remember this like it
was yesterday. It happened in a Kroger
parking lot on Shelbyville Rd. in Louisville, KY. I was walking to my car when the thought hit
me hard that “I feel like an adult”. I
don’t know what it was about that particular day or trip to the store that
triggered that but it was a strange feeling.
I had raised 3 kids, taken care of a household, graduated from college
with honors, helped run a dairy farm and a trucking business, worked various
jobs, and filled various church positions and I still didn’t feel like an
adult! Crazy.
Looking back at
this I believe I’ve figured out the problem.
Even though I’d done all those things I always felt like I had to get
someone’s permission or approval before I made a decision, made a purchase, or
did anything at all.
“My ex acted more
like a parent than a husband.” This
sentence is the heart of the matter I believe.
I was treated more like a child would be than a wife should be. I didn’t know how to make decisions for
myself. I realize now that’s one of the reasons
that on the Saturday after my ex ended our marriage I went to Walmart and
bought myself a pair of shoes. It was
rebellion, a show of independence!
“I am becoming more confident in making
decisions and doing things I want or need to do.” God has done a wonderful work in
my life in this area. In fact, a few
years ago when I had to buy a car I told my kids that I wished someone would
just find one for me, do all the paperwork, and I’d pay for it. It wasn’t that I couldn’t make a decision, I’ve
made many over the past 13+ years, I was just tired of making them by myself.
That last
statement needs amending. I do not make
decisions by myself. I try to live by
this:
When I find myself fretting
about a decision I remember these words and I turn it over to Him. That doesn’t mean I just sit and wait. I’m in the midst of making a life-changing
decision right now. I’m gather information,
seeking guidance from people I trust, and using the sense God has given me as a
guide. However, I am asking and trusting
Him to provide His clear answer when the time is right. God has never disappointed me. He has always shown me the way in His
time. He will do so in this situation.
One of the
ironies of this for me is that the more I become an adult, responsible for my
own decisions, the freer I feel. The
older I get the more my inner child emerges to allow me to enjoy the life God has
given to me. The more childlike my faith
is the stronger it grows. Jesus did say:
Today I choose to be an adult
who makes decisions based on my childlike faith in God. I like that!
Father,
Thank You for
instilling in me childlike faith while teaching me how to be an adult.
Thank You for hearing
my prayers, seeing my needs, guiding my thoughts.
Your love is amazing!
In Jesus’ Name,
Amen.
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